http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0796302
the babysitters is one of those movies where i am not sure i should admit to seeing it. in this case, it is because the plot involves a bunch of minors prostituting themselves out with married men. the rationale for them doing so was basically just to make money, which seemed a little weak. or maybe the protagonist (aka the pimpstress) was motivated by a feeling of betrayal? it was not clearly communicated. anyway, this fell short of being soft core by a clear margin, but there was still enough skin to engender a kind of guilty titillation.
the babysitters has no surprises aside of the sheer number of "what?" moments. kudos for having the pimpstress solve her own problems instead of calling in one of the male characters to beat someone up, though. i give it two troubled dollars.
2013-12-24
2013-12-20
don jon
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2229499
don jon is a movie all about a bro. holy fucking christ do i dislike bros. sprinkle in some cheap shot porno clips, a channing tatum/anne hathaway cameo, and tony danza, and you have a movie with something for everybody. except for me, because i dislike bros and i am not a masochist.
don jon gets two dimes.
don jon is a movie all about a bro. holy fucking christ do i dislike bros. sprinkle in some cheap shot porno clips, a channing tatum/anne hathaway cameo, and tony danza, and you have a movie with something for everybody. except for me, because i dislike bros and i am not a masochist.
don jon gets two dimes.
2013-12-07
bangkok revenge
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1784600
(fifth in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
bangkok revenge is a life support device for a series of fight scenes. they are not even good fight scenes. this movie just completely fails to deliver along any axis of entertainment. everybody involved seemed to be completely aware of this fact, so they all just phoned in their performances. which is too bad, because by fully committing to the train wreck, they could have made this into a great bad movie.
bangkok revenge gets one scar on the left temple.
(fifth in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
bangkok revenge is a life support device for a series of fight scenes. they are not even good fight scenes. this movie just completely fails to deliver along any axis of entertainment. everybody involved seemed to be completely aware of this fact, so they all just phoned in their performances. which is too bad, because by fully committing to the train wreck, they could have made this into a great bad movie.
bangkok revenge gets one scar on the left temple.
2013-12-06
parker
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1904996
(fourth in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
parker is a thinly-veiled remake of the classic revenge flick payback. i do not mind that it is a ripoff because i like the general way these stories play out, but i do like to see a little more effort in the attempt to make it look as if it is not a ripoff. a little less plagiarism in the blatant ripoff, in other words. there is absolutely nothing interesting or original about this one.
parker gets two hay bales behind the livestock shed.
(fourth in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
parker is a thinly-veiled remake of the classic revenge flick payback. i do not mind that it is a ripoff because i like the general way these stories play out, but i do like to see a little more effort in the attempt to make it look as if it is not a ripoff. a little less plagiarism in the blatant ripoff, in other words. there is absolutely nothing interesting or original about this one.
parker gets two hay bales behind the livestock shed.
2013-12-05
zack and miri make a porno
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1007028
(third in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
zack and miri has to be the classiest movie that seth rogan has ever been in.
zack and miri gets one cappucino.
(third in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
zack and miri has to be the classiest movie that seth rogan has ever been in.
zack and miri gets one cappucino.
solomon kane
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0970452
(second in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
i heard that solomon kane was a classic, but it seems to me that the person who told me that needs to be severely punished. this was just a normal pile of crap. bad writing, bad acting, eye-rollingly bad plot, and plot twists that were in no way surprises because of the clear signage for miles ahead of them.
you might be thinking to yourself that i misheard the recommendation, and that it was a recommendation for *citizen* kane, which actually is a classic. but no. the recommendation came complete with imdb link and picture of box cover. and besides, i do not care. someone needs to pay for this outrage.
solomon kane gets one witch-boy.
(second in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
i heard that solomon kane was a classic, but it seems to me that the person who told me that needs to be severely punished. this was just a normal pile of crap. bad writing, bad acting, eye-rollingly bad plot, and plot twists that were in no way surprises because of the clear signage for miles ahead of them.
you might be thinking to yourself that i misheard the recommendation, and that it was a recommendation for *citizen* kane, which actually is a classic. but no. the recommendation came complete with imdb link and picture of box cover. and besides, i do not care. someone needs to pay for this outrage.
solomon kane gets one witch-boy.
red dawn
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234719
(first in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
red dawn was a fabulous 80s movie, both when they made it in 1984 and when they remade it in 2012. they did a fine job of not trying to do anything lofty or self-aware, just stuck to the formula and delivered a solid action flick. there should be an academy award for delivering the right movie, and red dawn should win it twice.
so what is red dawn? in a nutshell, thor and peeta take on north korea. do not trouble yourself with the details, such as questions about what kind of superweapon they used. no good will come of them. just shut up and enjoy the show.
red dawn gets three wolverines.
(first in a series of fever-induced reviews.)
red dawn was a fabulous 80s movie, both when they made it in 1984 and when they remade it in 2012. they did a fine job of not trying to do anything lofty or self-aware, just stuck to the formula and delivered a solid action flick. there should be an academy award for delivering the right movie, and red dawn should win it twice.
so what is red dawn? in a nutshell, thor and peeta take on north korea. do not trouble yourself with the details, such as questions about what kind of superweapon they used. no good will come of them. just shut up and enjoy the show.
red dawn gets three wolverines.
2013-11-25
prisoners
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1392214
prisoners is low grade torture porn. i was blindsided by the severity, having let myself be lulled by the cast listing, none of whom seemed the type to participate in a film which included maiming a mentally handicapped guy for days. i liked jake gyllenhaal's character, though.
prisoners gets two snakes.
prisoners is low grade torture porn. i was blindsided by the severity, having let myself be lulled by the cast listing, none of whom seemed the type to participate in a film which included maiming a mentally handicapped guy for days. i liked jake gyllenhaal's character, though.
prisoners gets two snakes.
2013-11-24
the host
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1517260
shortly before i was subjected to a viewing of the host, i saw ender's game and was sure that i had seen the worst that 2013 would have to offer. hoo boy. it all became clear when i learned that the host was based on a book written by the same person who wrote twilight.
you know what i am talking about. longing glances, piercing gazes, insipid dialogue. did somebody say LOVE QUADRANGLE? it was all very painful to experience, and i could only do it by breaking this two hour avalanche of atrocity into three separate viewings, one for each century it took to watch.
the host gets one wanderer whose back story is highly suspicious and does not make a whole lot of sense and who did not get to drive a lotus even once SADFACE.
shortly before i was subjected to a viewing of the host, i saw ender's game and was sure that i had seen the worst that 2013 would have to offer. hoo boy. it all became clear when i learned that the host was based on a book written by the same person who wrote twilight.
you know what i am talking about. longing glances, piercing gazes, insipid dialogue. did somebody say LOVE QUADRANGLE? it was all very painful to experience, and i could only do it by breaking this two hour avalanche of atrocity into three separate viewings, one for each century it took to watch.
the host gets one wanderer whose back story is highly suspicious and does not make a whole lot of sense and who did not get to drive a lotus even once SADFACE.
2013-11-08
ender's game
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1731141
i have heard that a lot of people are calling for a boycot of ender's game. i can only assume they are the ones who have seen it. this film whipsawed violently back and forth between attempts to stay faithful to the book and attempts to make a successful movie adaptation of the book. the resulting cringefest was not a success in either endeavor. speaking of cringefest, what is going on with harrison ford's career? i mean, i am sure he is making a lot of money, but...eesh.
back to ender's game. many things bothered me, far too many to try to convey here. let me give you a taste of my angst by discussing the bewildering display of WUT which might otherwise be described as "the main plotline." so the bugs came once before, like 50 years ago, and almost wiped out humanity. fine, ok. colonization did not succeed. but then they sit tight and wait for 50 years for the humans to come attack them at home? when does that start making sense? and how does the queen identify her future destroyer while he is still so far from being in the admiral's seat? was she spamming everybody who was a candidate for admiral? how could that possibly have escaped detection? and having identified ender, how did she hack the gibson to make it show him where her babby was planted? and why would you show your pupa-babby to THE PERSON WHO IS GOING TO DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES???!!???question mark
that is a lot of questions, and i guess i got a little carried away there. let me summarize with two final questions: what is this haberdashery? and why did i use a completely inappropriate word just now? this is the logic of ender's game.
all of those issues make sense if you have read the book, by the way, but if you want to use the book to fill in the gaps, you end up with a whole other set of problems, for example, a beloved story being gang raped for two hours on the big screen in front of you.
ender's game gets one bugger. if you have seen the book, you should not, under any circumstances, read the movie.
i have heard that a lot of people are calling for a boycot of ender's game. i can only assume they are the ones who have seen it. this film whipsawed violently back and forth between attempts to stay faithful to the book and attempts to make a successful movie adaptation of the book. the resulting cringefest was not a success in either endeavor. speaking of cringefest, what is going on with harrison ford's career? i mean, i am sure he is making a lot of money, but...eesh.
back to ender's game. many things bothered me, far too many to try to convey here. let me give you a taste of my angst by discussing the bewildering display of WUT which might otherwise be described as "the main plotline." so the bugs came once before, like 50 years ago, and almost wiped out humanity. fine, ok. colonization did not succeed. but then they sit tight and wait for 50 years for the humans to come attack them at home? when does that start making sense? and how does the queen identify her future destroyer while he is still so far from being in the admiral's seat? was she spamming everybody who was a candidate for admiral? how could that possibly have escaped detection? and having identified ender, how did she hack the gibson to make it show him where her babby was planted? and why would you show your pupa-babby to THE PERSON WHO IS GOING TO DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES???!!???question mark
that is a lot of questions, and i guess i got a little carried away there. let me summarize with two final questions: what is this haberdashery? and why did i use a completely inappropriate word just now? this is the logic of ender's game.
all of those issues make sense if you have read the book, by the way, but if you want to use the book to fill in the gaps, you end up with a whole other set of problems, for example, a beloved story being gang raped for two hours on the big screen in front of you.
ender's game gets one bugger. if you have seen the book, you should not, under any circumstances, read the movie.
2013-11-07
kumare
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1865425
kumare reminded me too much of pick-a-michael-moore film. i *think* the vibe he was going for was that he started off wanting to make fools of people who follow gurus only to discover that he had accidentally taken on a huge responsibility. i did not see any discussion of what the responsible action to take is when he had no idea what he was doing as a guru. nor did i see any followup about all the bogus techniques he taught people during the phase where he was trying to make them look stupid. kind of irresponsible, if you ask me. anyway, my point is that these persuasive documentaries bug the shit out of me and i would love it if everybody stopped making them.
kumare also completely misses the role of the guru with regard to serious training. sure, for half-assed training, you do not need a guru. any idiot can decide to take the advice that family and friends have probably been giving them for years. oh, but wait, they cannot. that is the problem, that is why a guru is useful.
kumare gets one orbital sander to the head.
kumare reminded me too much of pick-a-michael-moore film. i *think* the vibe he was going for was that he started off wanting to make fools of people who follow gurus only to discover that he had accidentally taken on a huge responsibility. i did not see any discussion of what the responsible action to take is when he had no idea what he was doing as a guru. nor did i see any followup about all the bogus techniques he taught people during the phase where he was trying to make them look stupid. kind of irresponsible, if you ask me. anyway, my point is that these persuasive documentaries bug the shit out of me and i would love it if everybody stopped making them.
kumare also completely misses the role of the guru with regard to serious training. sure, for half-assed training, you do not need a guru. any idiot can decide to take the advice that family and friends have probably been giving them for years. oh, but wait, they cannot. that is the problem, that is why a guru is useful.
kumare gets one orbital sander to the head.
2013-10-26
the bling ring
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2132285
the bling ring was painful to watch along multiple dimensions. i am not going into it here, you can figure it out for yourself.
when i am writing about a movie, it is easiest to write when the movie is very good or very bad. extreme in some direction. the bling ring was just bad. so i cannot even get a memorable review out of it. what can i say? "it was bad." i cannot even really get in any good digs, like calling it a pile of garbage. this is exactly the kind of mediocrity that is destroying our way of life.
the bling ring gets one bling. be cool, kids, stay in school. until you graduate. then get out.
the bling ring was painful to watch along multiple dimensions. i am not going into it here, you can figure it out for yourself.
when i am writing about a movie, it is easiest to write when the movie is very good or very bad. extreme in some direction. the bling ring was just bad. so i cannot even get a memorable review out of it. what can i say? "it was bad." i cannot even really get in any good digs, like calling it a pile of garbage. this is exactly the kind of mediocrity that is destroying our way of life.
the bling ring gets one bling. be cool, kids, stay in school. until you graduate. then get out.
2013-10-25
disconnect
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1433811
my main complaint about disconnect is that the person who named it clearly did not read the script, watch the filming, or talk to anybody involved in the production. i say that because disconnect is a movie that is clearly about connections.
disconnect gets two connections. it would get three, except for that i am extremely un-tertained by teenage angst.
my main complaint about disconnect is that the person who named it clearly did not read the script, watch the filming, or talk to anybody involved in the production. i say that because disconnect is a movie that is clearly about connections.
disconnect gets two connections. it would get three, except for that i am extremely un-tertained by teenage angst.
2013-10-22
movie 43
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1333125
movie 43 is a film whose time has clearly come. the specific time i am referring to is, of course, the end of times.
it has been said that the moviegoing public does not get the experience they wish for, but rather, the one they deserve. movie 43 disproves that statement by virtue of the fact that the moviegoing public would have to be made up completely of serial paedophile necromorph nazi power rangers in order to deserve an atrocity like this.
let me put it another way. suppose you were strapped down to a table while a serial paedophile necromorph nazi power ranger used a pair of pliers to pull out your hairs, fingernails, etc one-by-one, demanding that you laugh uncontrollably the entire time. suppose that he filmed the whole thing from multiple angles. suppose that he edited the resulting film, added a laugh track, and marketed it as a feature film. suppose he called it "movie 43." you might be asking yourself whether this actually happened. the answer is "maybe."
movie 43 gets one fart joke. YOYO!
movie 43 is a film whose time has clearly come. the specific time i am referring to is, of course, the end of times.
it has been said that the moviegoing public does not get the experience they wish for, but rather, the one they deserve. movie 43 disproves that statement by virtue of the fact that the moviegoing public would have to be made up completely of serial paedophile necromorph nazi power rangers in order to deserve an atrocity like this.
let me put it another way. suppose you were strapped down to a table while a serial paedophile necromorph nazi power ranger used a pair of pliers to pull out your hairs, fingernails, etc one-by-one, demanding that you laugh uncontrollably the entire time. suppose that he filmed the whole thing from multiple angles. suppose that he edited the resulting film, added a laugh track, and marketed it as a feature film. suppose he called it "movie 43." you might be asking yourself whether this actually happened. the answer is "maybe."
movie 43 gets one fart joke. YOYO!
2013-10-11
flight
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1907668
flight was great. i may have a teeny, tiny crush on THE DENZEL. just a very small one. FOR THE GREATEST ACTOR WHO HAS EVER LIVED. almost as cool as THE ROCK.
flight was also tragic. i am not sure what would happen if dwayne johnson tried to portray an alcoholic. werenazis, probably.
flight gets four inverted immelmanns.
flight was great. i may have a teeny, tiny crush on THE DENZEL. just a very small one. FOR THE GREATEST ACTOR WHO HAS EVER LIVED. almost as cool as THE ROCK.
flight was also tragic. i am not sure what would happen if dwayne johnson tried to portray an alcoholic. werenazis, probably.
flight gets four inverted immelmanns.
2013-09-27
mud
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1935179/
what i learned from watching mud is that women are precious princesses that need to be protected. with violence, if at all possible. also, that kids are like tiny adults, but wiser, more perceptive, and more honest. also also, that matthew mcconaughey is a wizard. my whole world has been turned upside down.
despite the ridiculousness, mud was a somewhat entertaining film espousing values that were not completely abhorent. it could have been a lot worse. for example, there could have been nazis. or a werewolf. or a werenazi. werenazis are tough, man. no. joke.
mud gets two nazis.
what i learned from watching mud is that women are precious princesses that need to be protected. with violence, if at all possible. also, that kids are like tiny adults, but wiser, more perceptive, and more honest. also also, that matthew mcconaughey is a wizard. my whole world has been turned upside down.
despite the ridiculousness, mud was a somewhat entertaining film espousing values that were not completely abhorent. it could have been a lot worse. for example, there could have been nazis. or a werewolf. or a werenazi. werenazis are tough, man. no. joke.
mud gets two nazis.
2013-09-22
sexy beast
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0203119
i had a hard time figuring out what sexy beast was trying to be about, but i am prepared to believe that i was just being obtuse. anyway, there was nothing exceptional about this film. there were no real surprises plot-wise, and there were *way* too many old fat guys in their underwear.
sexy beast gets two cigarettes.
i had a hard time figuring out what sexy beast was trying to be about, but i am prepared to believe that i was just being obtuse. anyway, there was nothing exceptional about this film. there were no real surprises plot-wise, and there were *way* too many old fat guys in their underwear.
sexy beast gets two cigarettes.
2013-09-14
world war z
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711
when the zombie apocalypse comes, i sure do hope that the zombies are slow. that was my big takeaway from world war z, where the zombies not only rival cheetahs speed-wise, but the transformation from human to zombie takes 12 seconds, tops. or as sun tzu said, there is no combat without movement, nor is there a zombie apocalypse.
world war z had plenty of issues that rendered the overall story incredibly implausible, but it also got me to thinking about how the zombies could possibly be explained as a realistic phenomenon. they said something about a virus in the movie, but i find it difficult to believe that any virus, bacteria, or parasite could have anything like that kind of effect, especially on the 10-12 second time scale. however, since i am basically stupid, i knew i would have to enlist the aid of an expert to really attempt to answer this question. that is how i ended up consulting with "jessica," who claims to have gotten a passing grade in a fungus class she took. we worked it out. the zombies are actually not completely implausible.
first, the pathogen is a fungus. it has to be placed correctly in order to thrive, which is why blood in the mouth was not enough to infect brad pitt. i mean, aside of that the plot called for him to not be infected right at the beginning of the movie. the spores take hold and start producing mycelium, which produces a neurotoxin. the neurotoxin hits the nervous system like a ton of bricks and just makes everything fire. this is the part where the victim is writhing on the ground groaning. there are also some enzymes or something in there that essentially program the reptile part of the brain to GO EAT EVERYTHING THAT SMELLS LIKE A HEALTHY HUMAN. the enzymes have to travel through the blood to get to the brain, but that is ok because the neurotoxin is keeping everything firing, which includes the heart. so that is why you have a bunch of twitching before the thirst for human flesh begins. the programming does not have to do anything complicated with the brain's higher-level functions, which is why zombies do not have memory or emotion or tool use.
i, um, may not have gotten all those details right, but i am far too lazy to have jessica edit my draft before i publish. anyway, the point is that this could kind of work. we could make zombies that were kind of like this. and if we do not do it ourselves, someone else will. that is why i am taking this project to kickstarter. look for it in the coming months! might i suggest the $25K membership level? it will come with a reservation for you and up to two loved ones in a bunker which is guaranteed to be zombie-free at the time the outbreak begins.
world war z gets two satellite phones.
when the zombie apocalypse comes, i sure do hope that the zombies are slow. that was my big takeaway from world war z, where the zombies not only rival cheetahs speed-wise, but the transformation from human to zombie takes 12 seconds, tops. or as sun tzu said, there is no combat without movement, nor is there a zombie apocalypse.
world war z had plenty of issues that rendered the overall story incredibly implausible, but it also got me to thinking about how the zombies could possibly be explained as a realistic phenomenon. they said something about a virus in the movie, but i find it difficult to believe that any virus, bacteria, or parasite could have anything like that kind of effect, especially on the 10-12 second time scale. however, since i am basically stupid, i knew i would have to enlist the aid of an expert to really attempt to answer this question. that is how i ended up consulting with "jessica," who claims to have gotten a passing grade in a fungus class she took. we worked it out. the zombies are actually not completely implausible.
first, the pathogen is a fungus. it has to be placed correctly in order to thrive, which is why blood in the mouth was not enough to infect brad pitt. i mean, aside of that the plot called for him to not be infected right at the beginning of the movie. the spores take hold and start producing mycelium, which produces a neurotoxin. the neurotoxin hits the nervous system like a ton of bricks and just makes everything fire. this is the part where the victim is writhing on the ground groaning. there are also some enzymes or something in there that essentially program the reptile part of the brain to GO EAT EVERYTHING THAT SMELLS LIKE A HEALTHY HUMAN. the enzymes have to travel through the blood to get to the brain, but that is ok because the neurotoxin is keeping everything firing, which includes the heart. so that is why you have a bunch of twitching before the thirst for human flesh begins. the programming does not have to do anything complicated with the brain's higher-level functions, which is why zombies do not have memory or emotion or tool use.
i, um, may not have gotten all those details right, but i am far too lazy to have jessica edit my draft before i publish. anyway, the point is that this could kind of work. we could make zombies that were kind of like this. and if we do not do it ourselves, someone else will. that is why i am taking this project to kickstarter. look for it in the coming months! might i suggest the $25K membership level? it will come with a reservation for you and up to two loved ones in a bunker which is guaranteed to be zombie-free at the time the outbreak begins.
world war z gets two satellite phones.
2013-08-31
against the dark
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1194271/
against the dark opens with a lame voiceover that lays out the exposition and then goes downhill from there. why was steven seagal even in this? he delivers a couple epic lines at wildly inappropriate times and hacks at some zompires. they could have filled this role with just about anybody. carrot top? sure, why not. i am confident that carrot top could play a paper-thin character at least as well as steven seagal.
the other--well, *one* other--thing that bothered me was that the female characters did not do anything other than walk around and wait until it was time to die/scream/escape. i would be writing an indignant treatise on the subject of objectification right now, except that they objectified every single character in the script, including steven seagal, which makes me think it is less a matter of objectification and more a matter of crappy writing. also, when did they find the time to do their hair? take a tip from your pal schmolli: when the apocalypse comes, you are going to want to do something with your hair that is easy to maintain and does not impede your combat capabilities. bald is beautiful, baby. you need to cover your noggin, get a hat.
against the dark gets one wasted hour of my life. literally! i applied the skip-forward button to the benefit of all.
against the dark opens with a lame voiceover that lays out the exposition and then goes downhill from there. why was steven seagal even in this? he delivers a couple epic lines at wildly inappropriate times and hacks at some zompires. they could have filled this role with just about anybody. carrot top? sure, why not. i am confident that carrot top could play a paper-thin character at least as well as steven seagal.
the other--well, *one* other--thing that bothered me was that the female characters did not do anything other than walk around and wait until it was time to die/scream/escape. i would be writing an indignant treatise on the subject of objectification right now, except that they objectified every single character in the script, including steven seagal, which makes me think it is less a matter of objectification and more a matter of crappy writing. also, when did they find the time to do their hair? take a tip from your pal schmolli: when the apocalypse comes, you are going to want to do something with your hair that is easy to maintain and does not impede your combat capabilities. bald is beautiful, baby. you need to cover your noggin, get a hat.
against the dark gets one wasted hour of my life. literally! i applied the skip-forward button to the benefit of all.
2013-07-05
iron man 3
more like iron man 2, part 2. which is basically what i expected. superhero movies come in two flavours: origin story and daily grind. the first movie is generally the origin story, and the rest of them are daily grind, unless you go back and redo the origin story. the origin story is where the bulk of the character development usually happens; it is where the superhero encounters all the change which guides them to choose to become a superhero/supervillain. the daily grind, on the other hand, might feature new gadgets/superpowers, but does not change much about the character's core. sometimes they try to invoke the origin story magic by having the superhero give up on being a superhero, then decide to become a superhero again, but it never seems as interesting as a real origin story. the iron man series has done a fine job of trying to do character development in the daily grind stories, but they are still daily grind stories.
iron man 3 shows a troubled tony stark wrestling with his experience from the avengers, but it was not clear to me what the problem was, exactly. it seemed that they meant to show he was hiding behind his armor or that he was thinking that the armor itself was iron man, and that his big character development was in casting off the armor and coming to realize that *he* is iron man. that is all very well and good, but it is not clear to me how that follows from the events of the avengers. i am also completely confused about why he blew up all his robots; they were perfectly good robots, and he is just going to have to go build more of them.
anyway, i did not find the character development that enthralling. the special effects and action and one-liners were well-executed, if standard, action movie fare. iron man 3 gets three prehensile robots.
now you see me
for a movie where the oft-repeated theme is to draw you in close so you cannot see the big picture, they sure did a terrible job of disguising the big plot twists. i want to say something positive about the magician caricatures, but i want to say something equally negative about everybody else. this was otherwise some pretty standard, if flashy, confidence movie fodder.
now you see me gets two...wait, where did they go?
2013-07-03
goon
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456635
goon is a movie about one thing: relationships. and winning. and sticking up for your team. and how youth and strength can beat out old age and treachery. and how it is ok to be a creepy stalker if the stalkee turns out to be into it. there was some hockey in there too, but this is not a movie about hockey. I do not think anybody makes movies about hockey because it is a lot cheaper and easier to just film some people playing hockey and call it a game.
there is one scene in this film that somewhat haunts me. it is the one where the old dog and the new dog meet in a diner in the middle of the night and talk about what they do for their teams. "if my team needs me to bleed, I bleed." that scene. it bothers me a lot that the old dog starts with the attitude that his team only values him for his ability to bleed and then switches to blind subservience to the good of the team by the next scene. serving the team is important, no doubt about it, but failing to understand that the team is not itself a thinking thing which gives a rat's ass about you is just naive. it takes very special, very specific training and focus before you can start thinking about your team that way without being completely wrong.
so anyway. between that and the creepy stalker thing, goon earned itself one Angus-the-creepy-stalker doll.
2013-07-01
hit and run
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2097307
bradley cooper is still not samuel jackson. tom arnold is still not funny. kristen bell is still not playing characters that are not insipid. there, see how bad this movie was? it has only inspired me to say mean things about people i do not know, who probably all tried really hard to make some nice entertainment for you, except it did not happen to work out. is that a crime? no, of course not. but maybe it should be.
hit and run is a comedy that looks sideways at you after every punchline to see why it is you are not laughing. like pennywise the clown, except that pennywise was funny, in between gruesome mutilation/murders.
just to be crystal clear, the comparison there had the sadistic child-slaughtering clown coming out on top.
the only part i liked about this film was the inspirational thing the guy told the girl, but you can see that in the first two minutes, then shut off the show and go on with your life. i think that is the way they should have packaged it. editing this movie down to a 45 second inspirational youtube clip would propel it from a two star meh-fest into a thumbs-up-and-share. you could twitter it at all your friends, then bookface it to your myspace. yahoo!
hit and run gets two mehs.
bradley cooper is still not samuel jackson. tom arnold is still not funny. kristen bell is still not playing characters that are not insipid. there, see how bad this movie was? it has only inspired me to say mean things about people i do not know, who probably all tried really hard to make some nice entertainment for you, except it did not happen to work out. is that a crime? no, of course not. but maybe it should be.
hit and run is a comedy that looks sideways at you after every punchline to see why it is you are not laughing. like pennywise the clown, except that pennywise was funny, in between gruesome mutilation/murders.
just to be crystal clear, the comparison there had the sadistic child-slaughtering clown coming out on top.
the only part i liked about this film was the inspirational thing the guy told the girl, but you can see that in the first two minutes, then shut off the show and go on with your life. i think that is the way they should have packaged it. editing this movie down to a 45 second inspirational youtube clip would propel it from a two star meh-fest into a thumbs-up-and-share. you could twitter it at all your friends, then bookface it to your myspace. yahoo!
hit and run gets two mehs.
2013-06-13
deadball
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1954374
i do not think i understand japanese humour.
deadball gets one deadball.
i do not think i understand japanese humour.
deadball gets one deadball.
2013-06-11
the thieves
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2330866
confusing korean caper. crafty criminals crack casino, confound clueless cops, cross cohorts. cannot complain considerably, cannot commend.
clap, clap.
confusing korean caper. crafty criminals crack casino, confound clueless cops, cross cohorts. cannot complain considerably, cannot commend.
clap, clap.
2013-06-07
side effects
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2053463
side effects has aspirations. aspirations of being described as having an unexpected twist, a tense game of cat and mouse, and perhaps even an electrifying climax. sadly, these high-minded aspirations go unfulfilled.
sure, there is a twist, but it was pretty obvious. will the protagonist be able to play the bad ladies against each other? of course he will. will he revenge on both of them? sure. will he get all his stuff back? you betcha. never mind how implausible it is. in the real world, the newspapers print the big story that ruins your career at the top of page one and the retraction at the bottom of page 12.
side effects gets two pills. i would give it more, but there was not enough channing tatum. worse, they dangled channing tatum in front of us and then took him away. mean! then they unexpectedly dangled hot girl on girl action in front of us and took that away too. i am too confused to know whether i think that was mean.
side effects has aspirations. aspirations of being described as having an unexpected twist, a tense game of cat and mouse, and perhaps even an electrifying climax. sadly, these high-minded aspirations go unfulfilled.
sure, there is a twist, but it was pretty obvious. will the protagonist be able to play the bad ladies against each other? of course he will. will he revenge on both of them? sure. will he get all his stuff back? you betcha. never mind how implausible it is. in the real world, the newspapers print the big story that ruins your career at the top of page one and the retraction at the bottom of page 12.
side effects gets two pills. i would give it more, but there was not enough channing tatum. worse, they dangled channing tatum in front of us and then took him away. mean! then they unexpectedly dangled hot girl on girl action in front of us and took that away too. i am too confused to know whether i think that was mean.
legend of the fist: the return of chen zhen
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456661
legend of the fist is basically the chinese version of all those cold war period hollywood movies where the bad guy was always a russian. is the main character a legendary historical figure? eh. maybe in name, but who cares. history is dead. racism is still alive and well, though.
there are two things that legend of the fist could have used WAY more of: zombies and strippers. so many people were getting killed, just about every scene was full of dead bodies. how much fun would it have been if those dead bodies had gotten back up and kept fighting? lots of fun, that is how much. i am not sure how the strippers would fit into it, but i am sure it could be done.
legend of the fist gets two fists, mainly on the strength of the quite impressively choreographed fight sequences. too bad they were drowned out by jingoistic propaganda.
legend of the fist is basically the chinese version of all those cold war period hollywood movies where the bad guy was always a russian. is the main character a legendary historical figure? eh. maybe in name, but who cares. history is dead. racism is still alive and well, though.
there are two things that legend of the fist could have used WAY more of: zombies and strippers. so many people were getting killed, just about every scene was full of dead bodies. how much fun would it have been if those dead bodies had gotten back up and kept fighting? lots of fun, that is how much. i am not sure how the strippers would fit into it, but i am sure it could be done.
legend of the fist gets two fists, mainly on the strength of the quite impressively choreographed fight sequences. too bad they were drowned out by jingoistic propaganda.
the prophecy
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114194
you know, i recognized both the guy and the girl, but just could not remember where i knew them from. i was an hour into this movie before it finally clicked and i realized that the guy was casey jones. it took another ten minutes for me to realize that the girl was april o'neil. the whole thing was through the looking glass for me after that. it was just impossible to take it at all seriously, not that i was taking it that seriously to begin with. they were smart to include zombies, but these were the lamest zombies ever. not only were they sentient, but they did not eat brains and they did not want anything other than to die. do not even get me started on the strippers that were not in this movie.
i dunno what really happened. there were some super-powerful angels and somehow the weak humans managed to overcome them and win. whatever. the prophecy gets one immolation.
you know, i recognized both the guy and the girl, but just could not remember where i knew them from. i was an hour into this movie before it finally clicked and i realized that the guy was casey jones. it took another ten minutes for me to realize that the girl was april o'neil. the whole thing was through the looking glass for me after that. it was just impossible to take it at all seriously, not that i was taking it that seriously to begin with. they were smart to include zombies, but these were the lamest zombies ever. not only were they sentient, but they did not eat brains and they did not want anything other than to die. do not even get me started on the strippers that were not in this movie.
i dunno what really happened. there were some super-powerful angels and somehow the weak humans managed to overcome them and win. whatever. the prophecy gets one immolation.
2013-06-01
fast & furious 6
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1905041
so first of all, somebody already wrote a great review of this movie, and you should go read it. i mostly agree with the main points of that review and would summarize by saying that if you are concerned about the plot or character development or acting or whatever, then you are missing the point. the fast and furious movies are just about fun. fast fun and furious fun.
and cars! remember? drive fast and race souped up cars and stuff like that? they forgot that a little bit in this one. sure, there were cars, but...were they driving BMW SEDANS? WHAT? i could not believe what i was seeing there. and then there was the tank and the airplane...again, there were cars involved, but...it was just...i dunno. like they were trying too hard. this is fast and furious. you do not have to try that hard. just go out there, drive fast, and drive furious. and have fun. and be safe. and family.
fast & furious 6 gets three families. only two of them were earned, the third is because this movie had THE ROCK *and* gina carano *and* gal gadot in it. if they had gone all the way and put mark wahlberg in it, i do not even want to think about what might have happened.
so first of all, somebody already wrote a great review of this movie, and you should go read it. i mostly agree with the main points of that review and would summarize by saying that if you are concerned about the plot or character development or acting or whatever, then you are missing the point. the fast and furious movies are just about fun. fast fun and furious fun.
and cars! remember? drive fast and race souped up cars and stuff like that? they forgot that a little bit in this one. sure, there were cars, but...were they driving BMW SEDANS? WHAT? i could not believe what i was seeing there. and then there was the tank and the airplane...again, there were cars involved, but...it was just...i dunno. like they were trying too hard. this is fast and furious. you do not have to try that hard. just go out there, drive fast, and drive furious. and have fun. and be safe. and family.
fast & furious 6 gets three families. only two of them were earned, the third is because this movie had THE ROCK *and* gina carano *and* gal gadot in it. if they had gone all the way and put mark wahlberg in it, i do not even want to think about what might have happened.
2013-05-27
butter
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1349451
for some reason, i expected butter to break out of its tiny mold and go big, but it started as a small story, developed as a small story, and finished as a small story. the jokes flopped for the most part, usually in that uncomfortable way where the actor has done their utmost to deliver it correctly, but it just happens to not be funny. the extent of the character development was that jennifer garner cried at the end. however, this was right after she lost the big butter carving competition that meant everything to her, so it is perhaps unwise to read too much into those tears. oh, by the way, this review may contain spoilers. as usual.
it seemed to me that they did what they could with the story, but it was just not that interesting. to make this heap much better, they would have had to take it in a completely different direction. for example, they could have centered the story on the stripper, who could have entered the butter-carving competition to try to win the cash prize so she could save her strip club from going under. she could have been joined by all the other strippers from the club, and zombies could have attacked the competition hall, forcing the strippers to use their butter-carving skills to defend themselves. maybe the zombies turn out to be allergic to butter or something. anyway, with dwindling butter supplies, they are forced to make a last stand around the stripper's award-winning butter sculpture, and she is forced to dismantle it for the butter to kill the zombie master once and for all. with the zombies defeated, the judges for the butter-carving competition finally arrive and disqualify the stripper's sculpture on account of it having been used to kill the zombie master. the stripper flings butter into the judges' faces climbs onto her motorcycle, and hits the road: a wanderer once again. i call it butter-carving zombie-slaying strippers and give it five academy awards.
butter, on the other hand, gets two sticks. all in all, it flopped hard. i vaguely remember laughing, though, so i am cutting it a little slack. truthfully, my memory is a little fuzzy. i might have been laughing because of something outside the movie, also we were watching SNL clips after it was over, so it could have been that.
for some reason, i expected butter to break out of its tiny mold and go big, but it started as a small story, developed as a small story, and finished as a small story. the jokes flopped for the most part, usually in that uncomfortable way where the actor has done their utmost to deliver it correctly, but it just happens to not be funny. the extent of the character development was that jennifer garner cried at the end. however, this was right after she lost the big butter carving competition that meant everything to her, so it is perhaps unwise to read too much into those tears. oh, by the way, this review may contain spoilers. as usual.
it seemed to me that they did what they could with the story, but it was just not that interesting. to make this heap much better, they would have had to take it in a completely different direction. for example, they could have centered the story on the stripper, who could have entered the butter-carving competition to try to win the cash prize so she could save her strip club from going under. she could have been joined by all the other strippers from the club, and zombies could have attacked the competition hall, forcing the strippers to use their butter-carving skills to defend themselves. maybe the zombies turn out to be allergic to butter or something. anyway, with dwindling butter supplies, they are forced to make a last stand around the stripper's award-winning butter sculpture, and she is forced to dismantle it for the butter to kill the zombie master once and for all. with the zombies defeated, the judges for the butter-carving competition finally arrive and disqualify the stripper's sculpture on account of it having been used to kill the zombie master. the stripper flings butter into the judges' faces climbs onto her motorcycle, and hits the road: a wanderer once again. i call it butter-carving zombie-slaying strippers and give it five academy awards.
butter, on the other hand, gets two sticks. all in all, it flopped hard. i vaguely remember laughing, though, so i am cutting it a little slack. truthfully, my memory is a little fuzzy. i might have been laughing because of something outside the movie, also we were watching SNL clips after it was over, so it could have been that.
2013-05-17
the place beyond the pines
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1817273/
the place beyond the pines is one of those movies where you definitely need to *not* watch the trailer. if you had watched the trailer, you would probably be expecting a ryan gosling movie, but then you would be sad. so very very sad. you would be sad because ryan gosling dies like 40 minutes into the movie and then it quite suddenly transforms from a ryan gosling movie into a bradley cooper movie. not cool.
but ok, maybe you do not mind bradley cooper, in which case who are you? do you exist? i bet you have watched all of the hangover movies. you are everything that is wrong with this world. anyway, whoever you are, you are only going to be happy for another 50 minutes, at which time bradley cooper becomes largely irrelevant and it transforms into a movie about some kids.
there was some symbolism in there or something, but it was not really that interesting.
the place beyond the pines gets two pines.
the place beyond the pines is one of those movies where you definitely need to *not* watch the trailer. if you had watched the trailer, you would probably be expecting a ryan gosling movie, but then you would be sad. so very very sad. you would be sad because ryan gosling dies like 40 minutes into the movie and then it quite suddenly transforms from a ryan gosling movie into a bradley cooper movie. not cool.
but ok, maybe you do not mind bradley cooper, in which case who are you? do you exist? i bet you have watched all of the hangover movies. you are everything that is wrong with this world. anyway, whoever you are, you are only going to be happy for another 50 minutes, at which time bradley cooper becomes largely irrelevant and it transforms into a movie about some kids.
there was some symbolism in there or something, but it was not really that interesting.
the place beyond the pines gets two pines.
john dies at the end
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1783732
just because it is weird does not mean it is good.
john dies at the end gets one packet of soy sauce.
just because it is weird does not mean it is good.
john dies at the end gets one packet of soy sauce.
2013-04-28
zombies vs strippers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2364997
zombies vs strippers. it has zombies, and it has strippers. what more could you want? you might be thinking that that question is rhetorical, but pretty much no. let me tell you about some of the things you could want.
zombies vs strippers. it has zombies, and it has strippers. what more could you want? you might be thinking that that question is rhetorical, but pretty much no. let me tell you about some of the things you could want.
- a script: other than the painful attempts at clever one-liners, there was little sign that there was an actual script associated with this film.
- THE ROCK: but then, i want to see the rock in pretty much every movie. it is a pretty far-fetched notion for this film because the rock is probably pretty expensive, and this film was clearly lacking...
- a budget: if they had doubled their budget to $2000, they could have afforded to hire *professional* hobos to play the zombies or real strippers to play the strippers. or with careful negotiating, both of those things.
- better communication between actors and the director: it seemed to me that the director could have done a better job of communicating to all the actors the kind of movie that they were making. if everybody had been on board with the fact that they were making a crappy straight-to-video movie, then they could have made a really great crappy straight-to-video movie. it worked for zombie strippers, and it could have worked here if no one had taken their roles seriously. in particular, i thought most of the zombies took their roles a bit too literally
i do not know what i was expecting, really. i knew it was going to be schlock, so i should not be surprised that it turned out to be schlock.
zombies vs strippers gets one zombie or one stripper, but not both.
2013-04-17
megamind
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001526
megamind teaches us that if you are blue and misunderstood and a super genius that you can can still win the day and the city and the girl. speaking only for myself--because i know a lot of people who are not me have not had this work for them--it is absolutely true. also, you can be an astronaut or a ninja or the president of the united states, no matter who you are.
those of you who are connected to "reality" of course realize how ridiculous that is. it is all chance and good luck and just happening to be at the right place at the right time. is that something we could take away from megamind? answer: no, not unless you want to remove the only thing that makes it stick together. but what am i doing, demanding that kind of quality from a film that 1) is animated and 2) stars will ferrel? i might as well complain about water being wet. you do not watch an animated will ferrel movie to get meaning, you watch it for cheap laughs. megamind had a few of those, i guess.
megamind gets two brainbots.
megamind teaches us that if you are blue and misunderstood and a super genius that you can can still win the day and the city and the girl. speaking only for myself--because i know a lot of people who are not me have not had this work for them--it is absolutely true. also, you can be an astronaut or a ninja or the president of the united states, no matter who you are.
those of you who are connected to "reality" of course realize how ridiculous that is. it is all chance and good luck and just happening to be at the right place at the right time. is that something we could take away from megamind? answer: no, not unless you want to remove the only thing that makes it stick together. but what am i doing, demanding that kind of quality from a film that 1) is animated and 2) stars will ferrel? i might as well complain about water being wet. you do not watch an animated will ferrel movie to get meaning, you watch it for cheap laughs. megamind had a few of those, i guess.
megamind gets two brainbots.
super hybrid
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1152827
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. stop whatever you are doing and go watch this movie. go now. the rest of the review will still be here when you get done.
---
there. did you learn something? peter lynch phrased it as "never take a hot tip on a stock."
super hybrid is just about completely pointless. the hook is the only interesting thing about it. all the rest is so completely formulaic that there is no doubt at any point what is going to happen. on second thought, that is not quite true; i was not sure whether at the end we were going to see more of the monsters or if they were going to zoom into a dark corner of the garage, where we would see that the thing had laid eggs. i actually zoned out for the middle 60 minutes or so, and when i woke back up, all the characters that i expected to be dead were dead and it turned out that i was just in time for the mandatory bit of trickery on the part of the monster, followed by the big win.
super hybrid gets one burmese tiger.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. stop whatever you are doing and go watch this movie. go now. the rest of the review will still be here when you get done.
---
there. did you learn something? peter lynch phrased it as "never take a hot tip on a stock."
super hybrid is just about completely pointless. the hook is the only interesting thing about it. all the rest is so completely formulaic that there is no doubt at any point what is going to happen. on second thought, that is not quite true; i was not sure whether at the end we were going to see more of the monsters or if they were going to zoom into a dark corner of the garage, where we would see that the thing had laid eggs. i actually zoned out for the middle 60 minutes or so, and when i woke back up, all the characters that i expected to be dead were dead and it turned out that i was just in time for the mandatory bit of trickery on the part of the monster, followed by the big win.
super hybrid gets one burmese tiger.
2013-03-29
extracted
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1757746
there are far more bad movies than there are ways i can think of to say they are bad. this is particularly true when the badness is itself not very good. the badness itself does not even have the common courtesy to be bad enough to say anything about.
therefore, i outsourced this review to a mysterious and shadowy correspondant known only as "the cheerleader," who had this to say:
eerily accurate, for someone who did not actually watch the movie.
there are far more bad movies than there are ways i can think of to say they are bad. this is particularly true when the badness is itself not very good. the badness itself does not even have the common courtesy to be bad enough to say anything about.
therefore, i outsourced this review to a mysterious and shadowy correspondant known only as "the cheerleader," who had this to say:
Extracted is the movie Inception would have been if it had been made as a bad movie. I was told that my time spent sitting around and waiting to be picked up for dinner was better spent sitting around and waiting to be picked up for dinner rather than watching this movie.
I think this movie does a have a few praises that deserve singing. It managed to hit that sweet middle-ground "bad" that's worse than not-so-bad, but not as bad as super bad. Since it was the movie of the night, Extracted made its way into the after dinner conversation quite frequently. The increased frequency with which it entered the conversation was facilitated by 1) the short period of time over which the movie was discussed during each incident of discussion, and 2) the high rate at which the focus of the conversation would change to movies that were either better, worse, or better because they were worse. Extracted is a good topic to start a conversation with if you do not want the conversation to be about the topic you started with.
If you become bored with whatever it is you are doing, say, cleaning the bathroom floor, or watching paint dry, I would suggest watching Extraction. My data suggests you will appreciate the beige tiling and/or the shiny, mustard yellow overcoat much more after watching this 2012 example of how not to use special effects.
eerily accurate, for someone who did not actually watch the movie.
2013-03-24
cop land
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118887
a lot of people do not like sylvester stallone on account of rambo and rocky, both characters with names that start with the letter 'r', being five letters long, and, arguably, fitting a consonant-vowel-consonant-consonant-vowel pattern. i have always like those characters, though, despite the muscle-bound badass aspect. for whatever reason, i usually identify with the aspects of the characters that are not the muscle-bound badass part. i had plenty to identify with in cop land, where stallone plays an overweight, half deaf, not-so-bright sheriff. i would have enjoyed it much more if this character had not stumbled along while the story happened around him. i got the impression that the script writers meant for his actions to be driving the city cops, but it came out a lot more like the city cops were motivated by what they thought he might do, maybe.
cop land gets three stuffed turtles.
a lot of people do not like sylvester stallone on account of rambo and rocky, both characters with names that start with the letter 'r', being five letters long, and, arguably, fitting a consonant-vowel-consonant-consonant-vowel pattern. i have always like those characters, though, despite the muscle-bound badass aspect. for whatever reason, i usually identify with the aspects of the characters that are not the muscle-bound badass part. i had plenty to identify with in cop land, where stallone plays an overweight, half deaf, not-so-bright sheriff. i would have enjoyed it much more if this character had not stumbled along while the story happened around him. i got the impression that the script writers meant for his actions to be driving the city cops, but it came out a lot more like the city cops were motivated by what they thought he might do, maybe.
cop land gets three stuffed turtles.
2013-03-23
out of reach
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377100
out of reach is another steven seagal vehicle, and you either already know what those are like or you are a very lucky person. i think this chat log says it all:
me: watching old steven seagal movie
out of reach
Jessica: What?
me: from 2004
Jessica: I still haven't seen any
me: it is AMAZINGLY CHEESY
Jessica: I love cheesy...
me: i am 3 minutes in
Jessica: ALL FLAVORS
me: and so far
HE SAVED A BIRD
HE WRITES LETTERS TO AN ORPHAN GIRL IN POLAND
THEY EXCHANGE CIPHERS
HE SENT ONE THAT SAYS FRIENDS 4EVER
Jessica: lolol
me: SHE IS TURNING 16
SISTER ONIDAS HAS "BIG PLANS" FOR HER
WHAT WILL HAPPEN
I WONDER
me: 15 minutes in
seagal is already in poland
the girl is alrady int he hands of the bad guys
the orphanage director is of course part of it
the best friend has been "made an example of"
and we have figured out how to validate the value pointed to by a pointer argument
out of reach is another steven seagal vehicle, and you either already know what those are like or you are a very lucky person. i think this chat log says it all:
me: watching old steven seagal movie
out of reach
Jessica: What?
me: from 2004
Jessica: I still haven't seen any
me: it is AMAZINGLY CHEESY
Jessica: I love cheesy...
me: i am 3 minutes in
Jessica: ALL FLAVORS
me: and so far
HE SAVED A BIRD
HE WRITES LETTERS TO AN ORPHAN GIRL IN POLAND
THEY EXCHANGE CIPHERS
HE SENT ONE THAT SAYS FRIENDS 4EVER
Jessica: lolol
me: SHE IS TURNING 16
SISTER ONIDAS HAS "BIG PLANS" FOR HER
WHAT WILL HAPPEN
I WONDER
me: 15 minutes in
seagal is already in poland
the girl is alrady int he hands of the bad guys
the orphanage director is of course part of it
the best friend has been "made an example of"
and we have figured out how to validate the value pointed to by a pointer argument
me: so far seagal has beaten up a room full of cops and a couple thugs
Sent at 7:58 PM on Saturday
Jessica: Was she raped?
Is that what happened?
me: who?
lol
seagal guesses detective's password on first try
he gave her a piercing gaze before he did it
he must be a keen observer of human nature
Jessica: So today us Saturday
Or caturday as the internet calls it
me: its caturday, someboyd post some fuckin' cats
Sent at 8:03 PM on Saturday
Jessica: Lolol
Sent at 8:06 PM on Saturday
me: what is happening
Jessica: ?
me: he is also an electronics expert
"this is a simple problem of digital versus signal transfer"
what does that even mean
Sent at 8:09 PM on Saturday
me: the girl plays chess
NO SURPRISE
Sent at 8:10 PM on Saturday
me: they renamed irana to "lola"
hmm
he is walking into a big open room
must be time for a fight
oops, no fight
for some reason this huge room has phones mounted on the walls
nobody answers them
but a robot does or something?
Jessica: Sounds like a drug trip
me: WILL SEAGAL ROMANCE THE YOUNG BLONDE POLICE DETECTIVE?
Sent at 8:16 PM on Saturday
me: OR WILL THEY MERELY BE COLLEAGUES
HE WILL HAVE TO SAVE HER EITHER WAY, OF COURSE
there we go
shooter hit the cop, missed the seagal
Jessica: Nice
Sharp shooter
me: he is doing surgery on her in the kitchen
Jessica: Lolol
me: why is he even doing this
SHE IS A COP
JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL
Sent at 8:19 PM on Saturday
me: she should totally sue him for malpactice
fucking surgery with a butterknife
if you do surgery on me with a butterknife when there is a perfectly good hospital down the road, i will drop you like a bad habit
Sent at 8:22 PM on Saturday
me: the cops who were after seagal in america are in poland now
connecting with teh bad guy
"we have a shared interesting...in putting an old dog out of his misery"
lulz
the bad guy drugged the girl to beat her at chess
Jessica: What the ef
me: i know, right
ogmomgomg
she encoded a message to seagal in the hors de ourvers
Sent at 8:27 PM on Saturday
me: huh oh
things getting dangerous
seagal sends the cop and kid out of town
Sent at 8:29 PM on Saturday
me: jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez
i am swimming in plot pointers here
Sent at 8:30 PM on Saturday
me: er
what
seagal is suddenly in a whorehouse
he was just at the embassy a second ago
i must have missed something
Jessica: How?
me: ?
Jessica: I think you're making this up
me: HE JUST RENTED A GIRL
I AM SO LOST
Sent at 8:37 PM on Saturday
me: ok i am back
thank goodness there is only about 20 minutes left to this train wreck
the cop and the kid are driving
SURPRISE
THEY ARE GOIG TO TURN AROUND AND GO BACK
Sent at 8:49 PM on Saturday
me: aw
touching reunion
Sent at 8:51 PM on Saturday
me: i feel like my brain is being gang raped
lulz
"how many men can you give me?"
"five should be enough"
FOR STEVEN SEAGAL?
HA!
Sent at 8:53 PM on Saturday
me: SHOOTOUT IN THE WHOREHOUSE
i am nto sure what happened there
four or five of the bad buys went down
but there are still five of the seven left
oh noes
the cop got a bar tipped over on top of her
Sent at 8:58 PM on Saturday
me: luckily steven seagal was able to kill everything that moves
alright
time to go save the girl
finally
XD
they are going to settle it outside "like men"
TREATCHERY
BAD GUY GRABBED A SWORD
WE SAW HIM PRACTICING AND BEING BLOODTHIRSTY AND AWESOME AT IT EARLIER
Sent at 9:01 PM on Saturday
me: this is some of the worst choreography i have ever seen
Sent at 9:03 PM on Saturday
me: i bet you are wondering who won
i will not tell you
i do not want to ruin the movie for you
Sent at 9:05 PM on Saturday
me: hello?
Jessica: Hullo!
Sent at 9:08 PM on Saturday
me: i think i am going to use the chat log as the movie review
i am going to give it one rose
2013-03-22
king kelly
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2062966
this is pretty much the worst movie that has ever existed? the dog was the least annoying character? i do not really like dogs?
king kelly gets one duckface?
ps do not watch this at work, you will probably get fired?
this is pretty much the worst movie that has ever existed? the dog was the least annoying character? i do not really like dogs?
king kelly gets one duckface?
ps do not watch this at work, you will probably get fired?
2013-03-21
maximum conviction
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2119474
maximum conviction is about 15 minutes of exposition, 70 minutes of shooting, and 15 minutes of decomposition. there was no pacing, acting, or character development. nobody learned anything. just shooting. bonus: stone cold steve austin does one-liners now!
maximum conviction gets two charges of attempted entertainment.
maximum conviction is about 15 minutes of exposition, 70 minutes of shooting, and 15 minutes of decomposition. there was no pacing, acting, or character development. nobody learned anything. just shooting. bonus: stone cold steve austin does one-liners now!
maximum conviction gets two charges of attempted entertainment.
2013-03-17
boy wonder
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456060
boy wonder is helped immensely by having low expectations. you should not take that to mean that i thought it was bad. in fact, i thought just about everything about it was quite reasonable, and the overall package is outright pleasing.
the main thing i want to complain about is the heavy reuse of this screechy background sound in some of the outdoor scenes. it was just enough in the background that i could not quite tell whether it was background in the movie or something happening outside my window. this lead to a comedic series of pause/unpause events where i attempted to determine where the sound was coming from, just in case there was a fire and i needed to evacuate the building or something. some people say you do not *really* need to evacuate unless you can smell smoke, but i am more of an exit-in-an-orderly-manner-long-before-it-is-emergency-time kind of guy.
by the way, hot tip: if you are a vigilante, maybe consider not hanging around the police station too much. you know who is at the police station? the police. idiot. i am not holding it against the movie because the character in question was only 16 or so, which makes this mistake more realistic than stupid. i am only calling it out in case there are any vigilantes reading this review who have not figured that one out yet. schmolli has your back.
boy wonder gets four obscure poison/chemicals.
boy wonder is helped immensely by having low expectations. you should not take that to mean that i thought it was bad. in fact, i thought just about everything about it was quite reasonable, and the overall package is outright pleasing.
the main thing i want to complain about is the heavy reuse of this screechy background sound in some of the outdoor scenes. it was just enough in the background that i could not quite tell whether it was background in the movie or something happening outside my window. this lead to a comedic series of pause/unpause events where i attempted to determine where the sound was coming from, just in case there was a fire and i needed to evacuate the building or something. some people say you do not *really* need to evacuate unless you can smell smoke, but i am more of an exit-in-an-orderly-manner-long-before-it-is-emergency-time kind of guy.
by the way, hot tip: if you are a vigilante, maybe consider not hanging around the police station too much. you know who is at the police station? the police. idiot. i am not holding it against the movie because the character in question was only 16 or so, which makes this mistake more realistic than stupid. i am only calling it out in case there are any vigilantes reading this review who have not figured that one out yet. schmolli has your back.
boy wonder gets four obscure poison/chemicals.
the crow: wicked prayer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0353324
since i watched the third crow movie, i figured i might as well watch the fourth crow movie. i really need to hire somebody to follow me around and slap me silly when i get a stupid idea like that.
i thought there might be trouble when i saw that david boreanaz was the headliner in this movie. however, it was not until the opening credits, when i saw that both tara reid and dennis hopper also starred, that i realized just how bad it was going to be. and then, when i discovered that danny trejo was also in it, i realized it was going to be truly abysmal. unfortunately, this pile of crap fully lived up to my expectations.
i like danny trejo, i really do. he usually plays awesome characters--this movie was an exception to that rule--but he also usually appears in terrible movies. for the other three, i do not like them and they always appear in terrible movies.
anyway, the point is that i give it one horseman. there are so many things i could say, but i feel that the most merciful option is to leave it at that.
since i watched the third crow movie, i figured i might as well watch the fourth crow movie. i really need to hire somebody to follow me around and slap me silly when i get a stupid idea like that.
i thought there might be trouble when i saw that david boreanaz was the headliner in this movie. however, it was not until the opening credits, when i saw that both tara reid and dennis hopper also starred, that i realized just how bad it was going to be. and then, when i discovered that danny trejo was also in it, i realized it was going to be truly abysmal. unfortunately, this pile of crap fully lived up to my expectations.
i like danny trejo, i really do. he usually plays awesome characters--this movie was an exception to that rule--but he also usually appears in terrible movies. for the other three, i do not like them and they always appear in terrible movies.
anyway, the point is that i give it one horseman. there are so many things i could say, but i feel that the most merciful option is to leave it at that.
the crow: salvation
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132910
i loved the first crow movie, and i must have watched it thirty times. i vaguely remember being especially impressed that the "good guy" was not a particularly good guy. also, i was really into the cure at the time.
i saw the second crow movie only once. i was not sleeping much in those days, so all i really remember about it was that the bad guy drank the crow's blood or something like that to become immortal. i have no idea whether my memory corresponds in any way to what actually happened in that one, but anyway, i intensely disliked it.
this is the third crow movie. given the second one, it could only get better, but it was stil not that good. it seemed to me that they recycled too many of the scenes from the first one, or possibly they were trying to do some kind of homage thing. as usual, the bad guy was a shadowy figure who was not directly responsible for the crow guy's death. as usual, the bad guy has a weird sister. as usual, the bad guy and his sister come up with a plan to take away the crow guy's super powers for the big showdown. as usual, the crow guy wins anyway. surprise!
the third crow movie gets two bloody tears.
i loved the first crow movie, and i must have watched it thirty times. i vaguely remember being especially impressed that the "good guy" was not a particularly good guy. also, i was really into the cure at the time.
i saw the second crow movie only once. i was not sleeping much in those days, so all i really remember about it was that the bad guy drank the crow's blood or something like that to become immortal. i have no idea whether my memory corresponds in any way to what actually happened in that one, but anyway, i intensely disliked it.
this is the third crow movie. given the second one, it could only get better, but it was stil not that good. it seemed to me that they recycled too many of the scenes from the first one, or possibly they were trying to do some kind of homage thing. as usual, the bad guy was a shadowy figure who was not directly responsible for the crow guy's death. as usual, the bad guy has a weird sister. as usual, the bad guy and his sister come up with a plan to take away the crow guy's super powers for the big showdown. as usual, the crow guy wins anyway. surprise!
the third crow movie gets two bloody tears.
identity
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0309698
identity was not formulaic, but it was only mildly suspenseful, and the characters were not that interesting. the ending was fairly obvious well before it arrived, though it seemed to me that the killer could have been anybody, including one of the people who had already died. it was that kind of movie.
i give this one two identities. GUESS WHICH ONE IS THE KILLER.
identity was not formulaic, but it was only mildly suspenseful, and the characters were not that interesting. the ending was fairly obvious well before it arrived, though it seemed to me that the killer could have been anybody, including one of the people who had already died. it was that kind of movie.
i give this one two identities. GUESS WHICH ONE IS THE KILLER.
2013-03-07
kill 'em all
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1928335
kill 'em all is just about the worst martial arts movie ever made. it is part saw, part battle royale, part buddy cop movie, part the tournament, part cube, part eden log, and part portal. the first hour of it was, anyway. i stopped trying to keep track after a while.
there was very little to like about this movie. the fighting was lame and relied primarily on the acrobatics of a few of the actors. the scenery was clearly an abandoned building or something that they were squatting in. the extras all wore masks so you could not tell it was the same 10 guys over and over. the characters were paper thin. there was so little substance to this movie that after the bad guy got deaded, they quite literally rolled credits immediately. because there was absolutely nothing else to do.
it did raise an interesting question, however. suppose you were knocked out, and when you woke up, you were trapped in a room--without your smartphone--and forced to battle to the death with the other people in the room. would you favor submission techniques, spend half your energy on yelling, and give your opponents plenty of time to stand back up and gather their wits after you knock them down? well. maybe you would go into it having that plan, but i bet you would either change your plan during the first fight or not win.
kill 'em all gets one assassin. not a very good assassin. more like a guy who claimed he could do the job for twelve thousand dollars, except actually, he had never killed anybody before and he not only bungled it completely, but then he led the police straight to you when they caught him.
kill 'em all is just about the worst martial arts movie ever made. it is part saw, part battle royale, part buddy cop movie, part the tournament, part cube, part eden log, and part portal. the first hour of it was, anyway. i stopped trying to keep track after a while.
there was very little to like about this movie. the fighting was lame and relied primarily on the acrobatics of a few of the actors. the scenery was clearly an abandoned building or something that they were squatting in. the extras all wore masks so you could not tell it was the same 10 guys over and over. the characters were paper thin. there was so little substance to this movie that after the bad guy got deaded, they quite literally rolled credits immediately. because there was absolutely nothing else to do.
it did raise an interesting question, however. suppose you were knocked out, and when you woke up, you were trapped in a room--without your smartphone--and forced to battle to the death with the other people in the room. would you favor submission techniques, spend half your energy on yelling, and give your opponents plenty of time to stand back up and gather their wits after you knock them down? well. maybe you would go into it having that plan, but i bet you would either change your plan during the first fight or not win.
kill 'em all gets one assassin. not a very good assassin. more like a guy who claimed he could do the job for twelve thousand dollars, except actually, he had never killed anybody before and he not only bungled it completely, but then he led the police straight to you when they caught him.
2013-02-19
never back down 2: the beatdown
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1754264/
where do i even begin. i dunno. it seems like there is no beginning, nor any end. all i can say for sure is that there were way too many tattoos and way too little blood.
i watched this movie because i thought, hey, michael jai white. he is awesome. there will have to be at least a few good moments, right? and sure, he beat the hell out of like twenty racist police officers with his hands cuffed, but that was pretty much it. the sexy time scenes (in a fighting movie???) were also pretty terrible and, disconcertingly, shot in the same style as the fighting scenes. there must have been an analogy or something that i missed, probably because i do not know any analogies about having sex with random strippers in a back room of a strip club.
oh, the fighting was fine, by the way. pretty fluid, and probably decently choreographed. good enough to fool me, anyway. unfortunately, it was all empty, and they were spouting most of the same platitudes as any other fighting movie. eg, control your anger so you can more effectively beat the hell out of people.
never back down 2 gets one beatdown. michael jai white is still awesome.
where do i even begin. i dunno. it seems like there is no beginning, nor any end. all i can say for sure is that there were way too many tattoos and way too little blood.
i watched this movie because i thought, hey, michael jai white. he is awesome. there will have to be at least a few good moments, right? and sure, he beat the hell out of like twenty racist police officers with his hands cuffed, but that was pretty much it. the sexy time scenes (in a fighting movie???) were also pretty terrible and, disconcertingly, shot in the same style as the fighting scenes. there must have been an analogy or something that i missed, probably because i do not know any analogies about having sex with random strippers in a back room of a strip club.
oh, the fighting was fine, by the way. pretty fluid, and probably decently choreographed. good enough to fool me, anyway. unfortunately, it was all empty, and they were spouting most of the same platitudes as any other fighting movie. eg, control your anger so you can more effectively beat the hell out of people.
never back down 2 gets one beatdown. michael jai white is still awesome.
2013-02-18
lockout
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1592525/
look, here is the thing. if you are going to build a super futuristic prison, why would you include any kind of stasis technology? what would have to be wrong with your brain in order for that to be a thing? you would have to be a capitalist or something.
perhaps you are thinking of demolition man right now and thinking to yourself that it is clearly a data point that contradicts me, but you are wrong. see, demolition man had a *rehabilitating* stasis--the criminals who came out of it were all peaceful and stuff. theoretically. lockout's stasis was sort of the opposite, it amplified the violent tendencies in a bold move to *increase* recidivism, and thereby increase demand for the super-prison's services. this is what happens when you let major corporations run prisons as for-profit enterprises. they develop stasis technology and feed it to the prisoners.
i like to think that prisons count as systems that should have a degree of high reliability to them. when you are developing a reliable system, you basically go through the system piece by piece and ask yourself: "what if this piece fails?" the prison featured in lockout seems to have had some of that planning built into it, but it really bothers me that they do not seem to have planned for the case where the thing that goes wrong is that a prisoner gets loose in the interrogation room. typically, an obvious failure scenario like that one should not lead to the prisoner single-handedly taking over the prison and releasing all of the other prisoners. who are, technically, no longer prisoners at that point.
lockout gets one frozen cupcake.
look, here is the thing. if you are going to build a super futuristic prison, why would you include any kind of stasis technology? what would have to be wrong with your brain in order for that to be a thing? you would have to be a capitalist or something.
perhaps you are thinking of demolition man right now and thinking to yourself that it is clearly a data point that contradicts me, but you are wrong. see, demolition man had a *rehabilitating* stasis--the criminals who came out of it were all peaceful and stuff. theoretically. lockout's stasis was sort of the opposite, it amplified the violent tendencies in a bold move to *increase* recidivism, and thereby increase demand for the super-prison's services. this is what happens when you let major corporations run prisons as for-profit enterprises. they develop stasis technology and feed it to the prisoners.
i like to think that prisons count as systems that should have a degree of high reliability to them. when you are developing a reliable system, you basically go through the system piece by piece and ask yourself: "what if this piece fails?" the prison featured in lockout seems to have had some of that planning built into it, but it really bothers me that they do not seem to have planned for the case where the thing that goes wrong is that a prisoner gets loose in the interrogation room. typically, an obvious failure scenario like that one should not lead to the prisoner single-handedly taking over the prison and releasing all of the other prisoners. who are, technically, no longer prisoners at that point.
lockout gets one frozen cupcake.
fight night
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0756707
the only thing that impressed me about fight night was the number of extras they appear to have used. i know they were not computer generated people because the entire effects budget had to have been used up on slow-mo punches. all ten dollars of it.
anyway, fight night gets one night of fighting. everything about it was horrible.
the only thing that impressed me about fight night was the number of extras they appear to have used. i know they were not computer generated people because the entire effects budget had to have been used up on slow-mo punches. all ten dollars of it.
anyway, fight night gets one night of fighting. everything about it was horrible.
2013-02-05
bunraku
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1181795
bunraku is told with the same comic book styling as sin city, and it looks, sounds, and plays great. the choreography was well-done and totally appropriate to the flavour of the movie. very watchable, thoroughly enjoyable. if i were going to complain about something, it would be the length. it seems to me that they did not really need to have quite so many killers, though i grant that they did a fine job of giving them all their own styles.
bunraku gets four bunrakus.
bunraku is told with the same comic book styling as sin city, and it looks, sounds, and plays great. the choreography was well-done and totally appropriate to the flavour of the movie. very watchable, thoroughly enjoyable. if i were going to complain about something, it would be the length. it seems to me that they did not really need to have quite so many killers, though i grant that they did a fine job of giving them all their own styles.
bunraku gets four bunrakus.
2013-01-31
tactical force
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1458915
yet another stone cold steve austin film. he is getting better at the whole acting thing, and he is getting better co-stars (michael jai white!), but even stone cold can get blindsided by a terrible script with absolutely no redeeming values. it is like when you are in a tag-team wrasslin' match and one of your opponents starts mouthing off. so you walk over there to have a quiet word with him, but he just keeps laying into you with the insults. you stand there, mouth hanging open, clearly unable to believe what you are hearing, but still trying to reason with him. it is your firm believe that all humans deserve the benefit of the doubt and your best effort at understanding their viewpoint. meanwhile, behind your back, your opponent's partner and one of his friends has snuck into the ring with a folding chair. suddenly, BAM! you are seeing stars as you are simultaneously hit with a folding chair, a flying kick from the top of the turnbuckle, and a 2x4 that was inexplicably lying around near the ring. incredibly, the force of all these blows knocks you over the top rope, and you go flying out of the ring. your fall is broken when you land on the judge's table at ringside, which collapses underneath you.
tactical force gets one folding chair.
yet another stone cold steve austin film. he is getting better at the whole acting thing, and he is getting better co-stars (michael jai white!), but even stone cold can get blindsided by a terrible script with absolutely no redeeming values. it is like when you are in a tag-team wrasslin' match and one of your opponents starts mouthing off. so you walk over there to have a quiet word with him, but he just keeps laying into you with the insults. you stand there, mouth hanging open, clearly unable to believe what you are hearing, but still trying to reason with him. it is your firm believe that all humans deserve the benefit of the doubt and your best effort at understanding their viewpoint. meanwhile, behind your back, your opponent's partner and one of his friends has snuck into the ring with a folding chair. suddenly, BAM! you are seeing stars as you are simultaneously hit with a folding chair, a flying kick from the top of the turnbuckle, and a 2x4 that was inexplicably lying around near the ring. incredibly, the force of all these blows knocks you over the top rope, and you go flying out of the ring. your fall is broken when you land on the judge's table at ringside, which collapses underneath you.
tactical force gets one folding chair.
2013-01-18
seven psychopaths
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1931533/
seven psychopaths is great. funny, good writing, awesome characters, very watchable. the psychopaths were all caricatures, of course, which is why the movie was great and funny instead of sickening and terrifying.
nothing enlightening here, just good, clean, vicious, incredibly bloody fun. seven psychopaths gets four stolen dogs.
seven psychopaths is great. funny, good writing, awesome characters, very watchable. the psychopaths were all caricatures, of course, which is why the movie was great and funny instead of sickening and terrifying.
nothing enlightening here, just good, clean, vicious, incredibly bloody fun. seven psychopaths gets four stolen dogs.
2013-01-10
haywire
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1506999/
i was expecting a decent action flick, but haywire far exceeded my expectations. the story was interesting and the combat was beautifully choreographed, though a little flashy. i also liked how the movie ran straight ahead towards the conclusion without flinching or turning aside. it was nice and efficient, and i like that in a movie.
haywire gets four leaping punches.
i was expecting a decent action flick, but haywire far exceeded my expectations. the story was interesting and the combat was beautifully choreographed, though a little flashy. i also liked how the movie ran straight ahead towards the conclusion without flinching or turning aside. it was nice and efficient, and i like that in a movie.
haywire gets four leaping punches.
2013-01-07
transformers 3: dark side of the moon
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1399103/
if you have read my reviews of the previous transformers movies, you were probably assuming that i would not bother to see the third one. this was a pretty safe bet up until the point at which somebody waved a free viewing of a movie about giant robots in front of my face. i love giant robots almost as much as i love vampires.
transformers 3 is essentially another three hours of the same drek that the first two were made out of. i heard that the destruction of chicago was something not to be missed, but i do not believe that is really true. they showed some building getting knocked over, but much in the same way that the robots all looked the same after a while, the destruction of landmarks also took on an air of monotonousness. i actually meant to type "anonymousness" there, but apparently auto-correct thinks that is not a word. i decided that auto-correct's suggestion was completely fitting, so i let it stand. why not. adjectives all around.
i am tempted to give them points for trying to fit their plot around the space race/moon landing back in the seventies, but the resulting timeline and plot points just do not make sense. shia laboof continues to nauseate, and megan fox replacement brought even less to the picture than megan fox did. this is an accomplishment in and of itself.
transformers 3 gets two transformers, mostly because i am a sucker for giant robots. here is hoping that transformers 4 has vampires in addition to giant robots.
if you have read my reviews of the previous transformers movies, you were probably assuming that i would not bother to see the third one. this was a pretty safe bet up until the point at which somebody waved a free viewing of a movie about giant robots in front of my face. i love giant robots almost as much as i love vampires.
transformers 3 is essentially another three hours of the same drek that the first two were made out of. i heard that the destruction of chicago was something not to be missed, but i do not believe that is really true. they showed some building getting knocked over, but much in the same way that the robots all looked the same after a while, the destruction of landmarks also took on an air of monotonousness. i actually meant to type "anonymousness" there, but apparently auto-correct thinks that is not a word. i decided that auto-correct's suggestion was completely fitting, so i let it stand. why not. adjectives all around.
i am tempted to give them points for trying to fit their plot around the space race/moon landing back in the seventies, but the resulting timeline and plot points just do not make sense. shia laboof continues to nauseate, and megan fox replacement brought even less to the picture than megan fox did. this is an accomplishment in and of itself.
transformers 3 gets two transformers, mostly because i am a sucker for giant robots. here is hoping that transformers 4 has vampires in addition to giant robots.
the stranger
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1407078/
stone cold steve austin stars in another terrible movie that, like an ugly child, you can only love. the lack of pretentiousness in this film made it impossible for me to take it seriously enough to be disappointed by the lack of positive attributes. on the other hand, austin's fight scenes are getting better--he spends less time standing there waiting to get hit--and his one-liners are getting better. the two main things i note as downturns from his preceding films is the extensive use of shaky cam and flashbacks. i guess neither of those things is something i can blame on steve austin, though.
the stranger gets two flashbacks.
stone cold steve austin stars in another terrible movie that, like an ugly child, you can only love. the lack of pretentiousness in this film made it impossible for me to take it seriously enough to be disappointed by the lack of positive attributes. on the other hand, austin's fight scenes are getting better--he spends less time standing there waiting to get hit--and his one-liners are getting better. the two main things i note as downturns from his preceding films is the extensive use of shaky cam and flashbacks. i guess neither of those things is something i can blame on steve austin, though.
the stranger gets two flashbacks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)