world war z

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711

when the zombie apocalypse comes, i sure do hope that the zombies are slow.  that was my big takeaway from world war z, where the zombies not only rival cheetahs speed-wise, but the transformation from human to zombie takes 12 seconds, tops.  or as sun tzu said, there is no combat without movement, nor is there a zombie apocalypse.

world war z had plenty of issues that rendered the overall story incredibly implausible, but it also got me to thinking about how the zombies could possibly be explained as a realistic phenomenon.  they said something about a virus in the movie, but i find it difficult to believe that any virus, bacteria, or parasite could have anything like that kind of effect, especially on the 10-12 second time scale.  however, since i am basically stupid, i knew i would have to enlist the aid of an expert to really attempt to answer this question.  that is how i ended up consulting with "jessica," who claims to have gotten a passing grade in a fungus class she took.  we worked it out.  the zombies are actually not completely implausible.

first, the pathogen is a fungus.  it has to be placed correctly in order to thrive, which is why blood in the mouth was not enough to infect brad pitt.  i mean, aside of that the plot called for him to not be infected right at the beginning of the movie.  the spores take hold and start producing mycelium, which produces a neurotoxin.  the neurotoxin hits the nervous system like a ton of bricks and just makes everything fire.  this is the part where the victim is writhing on the ground groaning.  there are also some enzymes or something in there that essentially program the reptile part of the brain to GO EAT EVERYTHING THAT SMELLS LIKE A HEALTHY HUMAN.  the enzymes have to travel through the blood to get to the brain, but that is ok because the neurotoxin is keeping everything firing, which includes the heart.  so that is why you have a bunch of twitching before the thirst for human flesh begins.  the programming does not have to do anything complicated with the brain's higher-level functions, which is why zombies do not have memory or emotion or tool use.

i, um, may not have gotten all those details right, but i am far too lazy to have jessica edit my draft before i publish.  anyway, the point is that this could kind of work.  we could make zombies that were kind of like this.  and if we do not do it ourselves, someone else will.  that is why i am taking this project to kickstarter.  look for it in the coming months!  might i suggest the $25K membership level?  it will come with a reservation for you and up to two loved ones in a bunker which is guaranteed to be zombie-free at the time the outbreak begins.

world war z gets two satellite phones.