http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101327/
american shaolin was infantile and racist. also, despite being made in the 90s, everybody had 80s hair.
they did a lot of moves that i am sure were meant to look fancy, but the flow was way off, which made it impossible to enjoy. the protagonist saw the love interest for about 5 minutes during the whole movie, so i am unclear on how he managed to woo her. what were those animated wooden kickboxing dummies, anyway? also, at the end, he took a giant dump on the chest of all the things he supposedly spent the entire movie learning.
this heinousness gets a single kick to the jaw. i would dearly love to kick it a few more times, but i am concerned that people might misconstrue the additional kicks as a higher rating.
2012-05-31
2012-05-30
the avengers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/
the avengers is pretty much what you would expect it to be: a lot of noise and flashing lights, tastefully arranged with humorous one-liners. it does not aspire to greatness, which is why it does not fail.
many people express a certain amount of incredulity regarding the ability of regular (albeit highly-trained) humans like black widow or hawkeye to contribute meaningfully to a team that also contains gods and indestructible green monsters. well, these people are idiots. the storyteller is god, and they need to shut up and just enjoy the flashing lights.
the avengers gets a left, a right, and an uppercut. body slam!
the avengers is pretty much what you would expect it to be: a lot of noise and flashing lights, tastefully arranged with humorous one-liners. it does not aspire to greatness, which is why it does not fail.
many people express a certain amount of incredulity regarding the ability of regular (albeit highly-trained) humans like black widow or hawkeye to contribute meaningfully to a team that also contains gods and indestructible green monsters. well, these people are idiots. the storyteller is god, and they need to shut up and just enjoy the flashing lights.
the avengers gets a left, a right, and an uppercut. body slam!
2012-05-24
young adult
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1625346/
i love the way charlize theron plays emotional train wrecks. in young adult, she plays the luckier and more socially privileged version of the character she played in monster. so, less with the killing, and more with the harlotry. the main downside was that i do not enjoy watching train wrecks; so while the film did a fine job of showing what it was trying to show, i had difficulty liking it. also, every single character that was not charlize theron was pretty uni-dimensional. that is smart-person talk for "one-dimensional." did you know they have thesauruses online now? a thesaurus is a reference book you can use to find synonyms and antonyms for words. a synonym is a word that means more or less the same thing as the word it is a synonym for. antonyms are the same, except opposite.
they have dictionaries online now, too.
anyway, young adult gets three little toy dogs left in a hotel room all by themselves.
i love the way charlize theron plays emotional train wrecks. in young adult, she plays the luckier and more socially privileged version of the character she played in monster. so, less with the killing, and more with the harlotry. the main downside was that i do not enjoy watching train wrecks; so while the film did a fine job of showing what it was trying to show, i had difficulty liking it. also, every single character that was not charlize theron was pretty uni-dimensional. that is smart-person talk for "one-dimensional." did you know they have thesauruses online now? a thesaurus is a reference book you can use to find synonyms and antonyms for words. a synonym is a word that means more or less the same thing as the word it is a synonym for. antonyms are the same, except opposite.
they have dictionaries online now, too.
anyway, young adult gets three little toy dogs left in a hotel room all by themselves.
2012-05-17
kungfu cyborg: metallic attraction
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1494775/
kungfu cyborg is the story of a cyborg in love and the woman who loves him back, but does not know he is a cyborg. and the other cyborg who loved the same woman when he was a human except then he got killed and the original cyborg rebuilt him out of his original dna and spare parts from a different cyborg. and the human who also loves that same woman, but later falls for her sister instead. her sister is like 16!
it all makes sense if you watch it from the beginning. i give it two hearts not beating as one.
kungfu cyborg is the story of a cyborg in love and the woman who loves him back, but does not know he is a cyborg. and the other cyborg who loved the same woman when he was a human except then he got killed and the original cyborg rebuilt him out of his original dna and spare parts from a different cyborg. and the human who also loves that same woman, but later falls for her sister instead. her sister is like 16!
it all makes sense if you watch it from the beginning. i give it two hearts not beating as one.
2012-05-15
legendary assassin
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1236370/
legendary assassin does for fighting what pornos do for romance. now imagine that it is one of those movies where the meager budget went into the storyline and special effects. "mmm," you are thinking. "that must be a really gripping and well-acted porno." well, pull your mind out of the gutter and remember that we are talking about a fighting movie here.
legendary assassin. he dies in the end, after killing 500 guys in three minutes. and saving the girl. i give it two deadly powerful kicks to the midsection.
legendary assassin does for fighting what pornos do for romance. now imagine that it is one of those movies where the meager budget went into the storyline and special effects. "mmm," you are thinking. "that must be a really gripping and well-acted porno." well, pull your mind out of the gutter and remember that we are talking about a fighting movie here.
legendary assassin. he dies in the end, after killing 500 guys in three minutes. and saving the girl. i give it two deadly powerful kicks to the midsection.
thursday
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0124901/
thursday is essentially a series of vignettes where thomas jane interacts with a variety of characters. i still identify thomas jane as the punisher, so i am always sad when he makes a new movie that is neither the punisher nor as awesome as the punisher. deep blue sea was the closest. anyway, this film was no punisher.
i give thursday three bodies in the garage.
thursday is essentially a series of vignettes where thomas jane interacts with a variety of characters. i still identify thomas jane as the punisher, so i am always sad when he makes a new movie that is neither the punisher nor as awesome as the punisher. deep blue sea was the closest. anyway, this film was no punisher.
i give thursday three bodies in the garage.
2012-05-13
dragon tiger gate
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0482930/
this review is for all the mothers out there.
dragon tiger gate is pretty clear on what it is about. the acting is just good enough to justify fighting. the plot is a device that moves the characters from fight to fight. the scenery is built to be pulverized in fights. the special effects are used to make cool-looking fighting techniques.
so it is a fighting vehicle, then. you can relax and forget about who this "scaly" guy is or why he wants to fight everybody. you can opt to not worry about how it is that dragon got so much better at fighting than tiger if he left the training hall at a young age, while tiger kept training. you can even decide that the preposterous liability of a haircut worn by every single main fighting character is of no consequence. just sit back and enjoy the fighting.
dragon tiger gate gets three flying knees to the face. happy mother's day!
this review is for all the mothers out there.
dragon tiger gate is pretty clear on what it is about. the acting is just good enough to justify fighting. the plot is a device that moves the characters from fight to fight. the scenery is built to be pulverized in fights. the special effects are used to make cool-looking fighting techniques.
so it is a fighting vehicle, then. you can relax and forget about who this "scaly" guy is or why he wants to fight everybody. you can opt to not worry about how it is that dragon got so much better at fighting than tiger if he left the training hall at a young age, while tiger kept training. you can even decide that the preposterous liability of a haircut worn by every single main fighting character is of no consequence. just sit back and enjoy the fighting.
dragon tiger gate gets three flying knees to the face. happy mother's day!
2012-05-07
swedish auto
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800228/
swedish auto is the kind of movie where, after about twenty minutes, you turn to the person next to you and say "so...want to make out?" you would say this no matter who was sitting next to you, because the point of making out would not be to get jiggy with it, but rather to distract yourself from the horrible horrible things being shown to you by the moving pictures box.
i rate it one swedish fish, begrudgingly. i do not like swedish fish.
swedish auto is the kind of movie where, after about twenty minutes, you turn to the person next to you and say "so...want to make out?" you would say this no matter who was sitting next to you, because the point of making out would not be to get jiggy with it, but rather to distract yourself from the horrible horrible things being shown to you by the moving pictures box.
i rate it one swedish fish, begrudgingly. i do not like swedish fish.
the promotion
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0803057/
i made it about 20 minutes into this train wreck before i decided it would be a good idea to double-check the recommendation i had gotten for it. as it turns out, the recommendation i had gotten was to avoid this movie at all costs. "i rescind all previous potentially positive comments," quoth the cheerleader. on the strength of the first 20 minutes, i wholeheartedly agree and give it one shopping cart.
i made it about 20 minutes into this train wreck before i decided it would be a good idea to double-check the recommendation i had gotten for it. as it turns out, the recommendation i had gotten was to avoid this movie at all costs. "i rescind all previous potentially positive comments," quoth the cheerleader. on the strength of the first 20 minutes, i wholeheartedly agree and give it one shopping cart.
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