http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2333784/
the expendables was a movie whose time had come and the expendables 2 was a movie that did not need to be made. expendables 3 connects those two data points and keeps going along the same trajectory; it is a movie which desperately needed to not be made.
what were the redeeming features of the first two expendables movies? hell if i remember. the third one's blitzkrieg of explosions and gunfire was quite effective as a memory wiping device. i think? hard to remember much of anything, really. i guess it is equally plausible that mel gibson climbed in my window and brainwashed me in my sleep. it could also have been aliens. aliens and mel gibson, working together? perhaps.
the expendables 3 gets one memory wipe.
2015-01-18
cleanskin
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1598873
cleanskin had pretty interesting characters and a nice twist, but the storytelling dragged far too much. by the time it got to the payoff, i was pretty well checked out, and checking back in was just too much effort. if i had had more patience, i think i would have liked it a lot more. also, the sympathetic character was a suicide bomber and the good guy was 1) not a good guy and 2) not likable. i am unclear on what vibe they were going for there, but it had to have been something like "self-loathing" or "sympathetic to terrorist causes." i therefore conclude that this movie was funded by the NSA as a way to find terrorist sympathizers among the movie-reviewing community. well tough luck, assholes. i saw right through your little charade.
cleanskin gets two suicide bombers.
cleanskin had pretty interesting characters and a nice twist, but the storytelling dragged far too much. by the time it got to the payoff, i was pretty well checked out, and checking back in was just too much effort. if i had had more patience, i think i would have liked it a lot more. also, the sympathetic character was a suicide bomber and the good guy was 1) not a good guy and 2) not likable. i am unclear on what vibe they were going for there, but it had to have been something like "self-loathing" or "sympathetic to terrorist causes." i therefore conclude that this movie was funded by the NSA as a way to find terrorist sympathizers among the movie-reviewing community. well tough luck, assholes. i saw right through your little charade.
cleanskin gets two suicide bombers.
2015-01-17
the machine
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2317225
based on netflix's description, i was expecting an action movie featuring a fighting robot machine kind of thing, but this was actually a touchy-feely flick about that old gem, the INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT, which can of course be programmed into a machine if you are smart enough. of course, of course. and if someone should attempt to reprogram the machine to be a killer? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course. and if the machine is instructed to kill its creator? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course. and if baby machine needs a mother? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course. and if the machine gets one INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course.
there are a lot more interesting things you can do in a movie with the INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT rather than make it just about how it supposedly always wins out. it is unfortunate that most of these robot movies seem to stop there, though. for example, contrast 80's robocop with the recent remake. the first one got it right, the second one not so much. humans need to get over themselves. they are glorified machines, totally susceptible to programming. ask anybody in advertising. the interesting part is what they can do within that constraint.
the machine gets one INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course.
based on netflix's description, i was expecting an action movie featuring a fighting robot machine kind of thing, but this was actually a touchy-feely flick about that old gem, the INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT, which can of course be programmed into a machine if you are smart enough. of course, of course. and if someone should attempt to reprogram the machine to be a killer? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course. and if the machine is instructed to kill its creator? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course. and if baby machine needs a mother? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course. and if the machine gets one INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT? INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course.
there are a lot more interesting things you can do in a movie with the INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT rather than make it just about how it supposedly always wins out. it is unfortunate that most of these robot movies seem to stop there, though. for example, contrast 80's robocop with the recent remake. the first one got it right, the second one not so much. humans need to get over themselves. they are glorified machines, totally susceptible to programming. ask anybody in advertising. the interesting part is what they can do within that constraint.
the machine gets one INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT. of course.
2015-01-16
drive hard
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2968804/
i loved thomas jane in the punisher and thought he was fine in deep blue sea, but everything else i can think of has been crap. in drive hard, we have an improbable car driver paired with an equally improbable bank robber. oh, he is not a bank robber, you say? very good, you watched the scene where the bank robber explained blah blah blah. but if you are so observant, then explain to me why this movie should have been called hard drive instead.
drive hard gets one hard drive.
i loved thomas jane in the punisher and thought he was fine in deep blue sea, but everything else i can think of has been crap. in drive hard, we have an improbable car driver paired with an equally improbable bank robber. oh, he is not a bank robber, you say? very good, you watched the scene where the bank robber explained blah blah blah. but if you are so observant, then explain to me why this movie should have been called hard drive instead.
drive hard gets one hard drive.
the equalizer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455944
the equalizer clearly demonstrated two things. the first is that it is still a lot of fun to watch denzel kick the crap out of anonymous bad guys. the second is that home depot is where you want to be when the zombies come. they have everything there. explosives, firearms, sharp things, pointy things, blunt force trauma things. you could kill a lot of zombies with stuff from home depot. if you do not have a route to the nearest home depot memorized, my friends, then you are *not* ready for the apocalypse. maybe you are thinking you will hole up in the supermarket or something. they have an aisle with some auto stuff and another aisle with some home improvement stuff, right? ho ho ho. you know what is going to happen when you take those supermarket lawn shears and try to cut off some zombie heads? they are going to get jammed up on you, that is what. you are going to get the first zombie, then the second zombie is going to get you. know what you need? professional grade lawn shears. know where you can find them? home depot. aisle nine.
the equalizer gets four nailguns. i devoutly hope they do not make a sequel. i just have a feeling.
the equalizer clearly demonstrated two things. the first is that it is still a lot of fun to watch denzel kick the crap out of anonymous bad guys. the second is that home depot is where you want to be when the zombies come. they have everything there. explosives, firearms, sharp things, pointy things, blunt force trauma things. you could kill a lot of zombies with stuff from home depot. if you do not have a route to the nearest home depot memorized, my friends, then you are *not* ready for the apocalypse. maybe you are thinking you will hole up in the supermarket or something. they have an aisle with some auto stuff and another aisle with some home improvement stuff, right? ho ho ho. you know what is going to happen when you take those supermarket lawn shears and try to cut off some zombie heads? they are going to get jammed up on you, that is what. you are going to get the first zombie, then the second zombie is going to get you. know what you need? professional grade lawn shears. know where you can find them? home depot. aisle nine.
the equalizer gets four nailguns. i devoutly hope they do not make a sequel. i just have a feeling.
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