http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1614989
headhunters was a pleasant surprise for me and a lovely reminder that i like a lot of norwegian films. honestly, i could do with less blood, but i am willing to take the good with the bad, especially in this case. the plot was complicated enough to be interesting, but not so intricate that i had to take notes to follow it. acting, sound, costumes, etc were all done well enough to be immersive. for some reason i am feeling a little moralistic, so i want to complain a bit about there not being much in the way of punishment for the protagonist. perhaps i should conclude that the experience itself was punishment enough, though.
headhunters gets four hunted heads.
2014-12-28
2014-12-26
looper
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1276104
everything i heard about looper was bad, and i can see how you might condemn the film's handling of time travel with some variation on screaming and shaking your fists at the sky. the time travel part was definitely bad, to be sure, but i got a lot of mileage out of taking my cue from the diner scene where bruce willis says to ignore all the paradox stuff and just enjoy the ride. you cannot really do that wholeheartedly, because they then turn around and deliberately invoke paradoxical conditions. however, if you shut your eyes a little and concentrate on the characters, it is not a bad movie. well. not a horrible movie, anyway.
the most impressive part by far was the way they got the young bruce willis guy, an actor with his own style and such, to act like a young bruce willis, which i would never in a million years have expected. that for me was the real twist and reason to watch this movie.
looper gets two exploding bad guys.
everything i heard about looper was bad, and i can see how you might condemn the film's handling of time travel with some variation on screaming and shaking your fists at the sky. the time travel part was definitely bad, to be sure, but i got a lot of mileage out of taking my cue from the diner scene where bruce willis says to ignore all the paradox stuff and just enjoy the ride. you cannot really do that wholeheartedly, because they then turn around and deliberately invoke paradoxical conditions. however, if you shut your eyes a little and concentrate on the characters, it is not a bad movie. well. not a horrible movie, anyway.
the most impressive part by far was the way they got the young bruce willis guy, an actor with his own style and such, to act like a young bruce willis, which i would never in a million years have expected. that for me was the real twist and reason to watch this movie.
looper gets two exploding bad guys.
2014-12-22
whiteout
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365929
yaaaaaaaaaaawn. were they making the whiteout metaphorical? not sure. who cares.
they completely failed to translate the terror of an actual whiteout to the screen, much in the same way that one movie about the unstoppable train also did not translate well. how can you be afraid of a big, friendly choo-choo train? having a fight during a whiteout would be petrifying, of course, it just does does not *sound* scary. i bet you are doubting me right now, but i am going to help you out.
imagine that canadian terrorists said they were going to make you eat seven almond butter sandwiches. does not sound so bad, right? is that the worst they can come up with? ha! bring it on!
so ok, you wolf down the first sandwich, smirking *just* a little. you are going to show those canadians a thing or two, eh? the second sandwich goes down about the same, and your smirk gets a little bigger.
but then, around the third sandwich, things start to get a little thirsty. can you have a little milk to wash it down? sorry, no milk, says the terrorist, and you see that now *she* is starting to smirk. a cold pit forms in your stomach, and you finish number three a little more slowly, in discomfited silence. sandwich number four stares you in the face now, and even though you are pretty sure what the answer is going to be, you ask for water, ginger ale, and coconut milk, all to no avail. there will be no washing down of the almond butter sandwiches. there are only your mandibles and your saliva, and the saliva is pretty well used up, spent too early and unwisely on those first sandwiches. sandwich number four draws the remaining moisture from your mouth and now even your eyeballs seem to be drying up.
as you take your first bite of number five, a mad, giggly voice in the back of your head whispers to you that you could always drink your own urine, but no...surely you will not become that desperate? meanwhile, the first four sandwiches have congealed into a cannonball-like lump in your stomach, and it occurs to you for the first time that you are really, really, really in trouble. sandwich number five fights you the whole way, and by the time it is over, the only moisture left in your body is south of the small intestine. resigning yourself to the inevitable, you ask the canadian for a cup.
sorry, she says, evil grin splitting her face wide open. no cup.
like moisture, there is no surprise left in your body. you bend over and put your desiccated fingers to work on taking a shoe off. you will have to drink fast to avoid having too much of the...liquid...soak into the shoe. you do not even bother to ask for a privacy curtain.
later, when it is all over, you reflect back on your life Before and see how much simpler everything was. almond butter was tasty, canadians were harmless, and bear grylls memes were funny. and whiteouts? they were terrifying.
whiteout gets two almond butter sandwiches.
yaaaaaaaaaaawn. were they making the whiteout metaphorical? not sure. who cares.
they completely failed to translate the terror of an actual whiteout to the screen, much in the same way that one movie about the unstoppable train also did not translate well. how can you be afraid of a big, friendly choo-choo train? having a fight during a whiteout would be petrifying, of course, it just does does not *sound* scary. i bet you are doubting me right now, but i am going to help you out.
imagine that canadian terrorists said they were going to make you eat seven almond butter sandwiches. does not sound so bad, right? is that the worst they can come up with? ha! bring it on!
so ok, you wolf down the first sandwich, smirking *just* a little. you are going to show those canadians a thing or two, eh? the second sandwich goes down about the same, and your smirk gets a little bigger.
but then, around the third sandwich, things start to get a little thirsty. can you have a little milk to wash it down? sorry, no milk, says the terrorist, and you see that now *she* is starting to smirk. a cold pit forms in your stomach, and you finish number three a little more slowly, in discomfited silence. sandwich number four stares you in the face now, and even though you are pretty sure what the answer is going to be, you ask for water, ginger ale, and coconut milk, all to no avail. there will be no washing down of the almond butter sandwiches. there are only your mandibles and your saliva, and the saliva is pretty well used up, spent too early and unwisely on those first sandwiches. sandwich number four draws the remaining moisture from your mouth and now even your eyeballs seem to be drying up.
as you take your first bite of number five, a mad, giggly voice in the back of your head whispers to you that you could always drink your own urine, but no...surely you will not become that desperate? meanwhile, the first four sandwiches have congealed into a cannonball-like lump in your stomach, and it occurs to you for the first time that you are really, really, really in trouble. sandwich number five fights you the whole way, and by the time it is over, the only moisture left in your body is south of the small intestine. resigning yourself to the inevitable, you ask the canadian for a cup.
sorry, she says, evil grin splitting her face wide open. no cup.
like moisture, there is no surprise left in your body. you bend over and put your desiccated fingers to work on taking a shoe off. you will have to drink fast to avoid having too much of the...liquid...soak into the shoe. you do not even bother to ask for a privacy curtain.
later, when it is all over, you reflect back on your life Before and see how much simpler everything was. almond butter was tasty, canadians were harmless, and bear grylls memes were funny. and whiteouts? they were terrifying.
whiteout gets two almond butter sandwiches.
2014-12-12
after the dark
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1928340
after the dark is the philosophical version of masturbation. they pretty much came right out and said that by way of some tongue-in-cheek joke during the denouement, and i thought it was an absolutely correct, if not insightful, meta-meta-comment. the only thing which was at all surprising is that i figured the poet that kept getting shot in the head was going to turn out to somehow know the bunker's exit code.
the overall feeling and execution of this film was similar to the man from earth, but with a bigger location budget--which was quite frankly wasted because i can see pictures of pretty scenery on the intarwebs anytime--and more insipid actors. philosophy, my ass.
after the dark gets two bunker exit codes. i give them to you up front and recommend you use them to get out while you can.
after the dark is the philosophical version of masturbation. they pretty much came right out and said that by way of some tongue-in-cheek joke during the denouement, and i thought it was an absolutely correct, if not insightful, meta-meta-comment. the only thing which was at all surprising is that i figured the poet that kept getting shot in the head was going to turn out to somehow know the bunker's exit code.
the overall feeling and execution of this film was similar to the man from earth, but with a bigger location budget--which was quite frankly wasted because i can see pictures of pretty scenery on the intarwebs anytime--and more insipid actors. philosophy, my ass.
after the dark gets two bunker exit codes. i give them to you up front and recommend you use them to get out while you can.
teenage mutant ninja turtles
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1291150
tmnt is so much worse than you expect. to be fair, i did have overly generous expectations, mostly because the 1990 version was so incredibly epic. who could forget great lines like "never lower your eyes to an enemy" and characters like the inimitable casey jones? this remake is by comparison a line of baking soda disguised as cocaine--not a good idea in the first place and then, oops, you are dead. actually, i am not sure what happens if you snort baking soda, but i doubt it is good. at the very least, you are going to have to wipe all that powder off your nose.
tmnt gets one inexplicable plot line involving harvesting mutant blood to create an antidote to a toxin that has existed for a decade, thus mirroring some story about a thing that supposedly happened in japan?
tmnt is so much worse than you expect. to be fair, i did have overly generous expectations, mostly because the 1990 version was so incredibly epic. who could forget great lines like "never lower your eyes to an enemy" and characters like the inimitable casey jones? this remake is by comparison a line of baking soda disguised as cocaine--not a good idea in the first place and then, oops, you are dead. actually, i am not sure what happens if you snort baking soda, but i doubt it is good. at the very least, you are going to have to wipe all that powder off your nose.
tmnt gets one inexplicable plot line involving harvesting mutant blood to create an antidote to a toxin that has existed for a decade, thus mirroring some story about a thing that supposedly happened in japan?
2014-12-05
crazy heart
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1263670
crazy heart has got to win some kind of award for duration in my to-watch queue, followed by another award for the time it took me to finish watching it once i started. the last award is for biggest letdown.
i think jeff bridges is great, but even he could not quite bring this one off. he handily succeeded at making me *want* to like this film, but then almost everything else about it succeeded at convincing me not to. the other thing i want to give a nod to is the music; bad blake's big hits were pretty good. country music is full of feels, you know.
crazy heart gets two mcclure's. make 'em doubles.
crazy heart has got to win some kind of award for duration in my to-watch queue, followed by another award for the time it took me to finish watching it once i started. the last award is for biggest letdown.
i think jeff bridges is great, but even he could not quite bring this one off. he handily succeeded at making me *want* to like this film, but then almost everything else about it succeeded at convincing me not to. the other thing i want to give a nod to is the music; bad blake's big hits were pretty good. country music is full of feels, you know.
crazy heart gets two mcclure's. make 'em doubles.
sabotage
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1742334
sabotage is pure crap. half of it is completely transparent, like the part where everybody knows arnie took the money. the other half is just random, like the part where the crazy woman turns out to be the killer. why? because she is pissed off? not exactly a fulfilling payoff. and then we wrap back around to the cartel guys from guatemala? there are like five million ways this could have been done better.
sabotage gets ten million dollars split one way and then apparently used to bribe just one guy. you guys are killing me here.
sabotage is pure crap. half of it is completely transparent, like the part where everybody knows arnie took the money. the other half is just random, like the part where the crazy woman turns out to be the killer. why? because she is pissed off? not exactly a fulfilling payoff. and then we wrap back around to the cartel guys from guatemala? there are like five million ways this could have been done better.
sabotage gets ten million dollars split one way and then apparently used to bribe just one guy. you guys are killing me here.
snowpiercer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1706620
in snowpiercer, we have a post-apocalyptic world where the world is frozen and the only people who survived are on board a train that completes a circle on its track once a year. i am going to give you a paragraph break to let that sink in.
really? the last bastion of humanity is a *train*? we were not able to survive anywhere else? and if the train stops moving, everybody dies? what kind of super train is this, anyway? who has been maintaining the track for the last 18 YEARS? i know a thing or two about system reliability, and let me tell you, on an earth where the environment is hostile enough to have extinguished all but a small pocket of human life, the outlier is not going to be a train, and if it is, i guarantee that it is not going to last 18 years. also, 18 years is obviously not long enough for the herd to need to be thinned out by three quarters, especially when it has been thinned on at least two prior occasions. unless, of course, post apocalyptic humans reproduce and mature much more quickly. but enough of the factual nitpicking. the facts are not there to advance the story, they are there to set up the elements that allow this story to function as a metaphor for...whatever it is a metaphor.
i absolutely detest movies that only work as metaphors. get it straight, people. first, the story has to make sense. then, and only then, are you allowed to add layers. metaphors are the challenge mode, not the top line priority. to do otherwise is to make a metaphor where the part which is supposed to be grounded in reality is...deconstructivism or something. you might as well light a match and blow it all to hell.
snowpiercer gets two protein bars. i am awarding a full protein bar for chris evans's recounting of the train's early days because it was that good.
in snowpiercer, we have a post-apocalyptic world where the world is frozen and the only people who survived are on board a train that completes a circle on its track once a year. i am going to give you a paragraph break to let that sink in.
really? the last bastion of humanity is a *train*? we were not able to survive anywhere else? and if the train stops moving, everybody dies? what kind of super train is this, anyway? who has been maintaining the track for the last 18 YEARS? i know a thing or two about system reliability, and let me tell you, on an earth where the environment is hostile enough to have extinguished all but a small pocket of human life, the outlier is not going to be a train, and if it is, i guarantee that it is not going to last 18 years. also, 18 years is obviously not long enough for the herd to need to be thinned out by three quarters, especially when it has been thinned on at least two prior occasions. unless, of course, post apocalyptic humans reproduce and mature much more quickly. but enough of the factual nitpicking. the facts are not there to advance the story, they are there to set up the elements that allow this story to function as a metaphor for...whatever it is a metaphor.
i absolutely detest movies that only work as metaphors. get it straight, people. first, the story has to make sense. then, and only then, are you allowed to add layers. metaphors are the challenge mode, not the top line priority. to do otherwise is to make a metaphor where the part which is supposed to be grounded in reality is...deconstructivism or something. you might as well light a match and blow it all to hell.
snowpiercer gets two protein bars. i am awarding a full protein bar for chris evans's recounting of the train's early days because it was that good.
2014-11-23
rage
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2401807
rage is the kind of [NOUN] where the form is already [ADJECTIVE], you just need to plug in a few specific [PL NOUN]. so no surprise that this is a nicholas cage [NOUN]. one thing that i think would have helped a lot is if [POPULAR ACTOR] had played the role of the [NOUN]. it would really have helped make this [NOUN] suck [ADVERB]. unfortunately, it would also have given away the completely [ADJECTIVE] ending by [PRESENT PARTICIPLE] attention to this otherwise unremarkable [NOUN].
rage gets one gerund.
rage is the kind of [NOUN] where the form is already [ADJECTIVE], you just need to plug in a few specific [PL NOUN]. so no surprise that this is a nicholas cage [NOUN]. one thing that i think would have helped a lot is if [POPULAR ACTOR] had played the role of the [NOUN]. it would really have helped make this [NOUN] suck [ADVERB]. unfortunately, it would also have given away the completely [ADJECTIVE] ending by [PRESENT PARTICIPLE] attention to this otherwise unremarkable [NOUN].
rage gets one gerund.
2014-11-06
the kids are all right
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0842926
this is a crying movie. i think everybody cried, except peeta, who you may recall was genetically engineered to not cry. (they show that part in the after-credit scenes.)
in addition, i suffered no small amount of confusion about the direction this film took in the last half hour or so. i got the part where there was reconciliation and crying, but i am unclear on what is going on with mark ruffalo. did he get his garden? is he the asshole? where is his family? is he still "hitting that?" what are the origins of the phrase "hitting that?"
oh, hey, no. i know what you are thinking, but actually, i am making an incredible hulk reference here. hulk smash.
the kids are all right gets two heirloom tomatoes.
this is a crying movie. i think everybody cried, except peeta, who you may recall was genetically engineered to not cry. (they show that part in the after-credit scenes.)
in addition, i suffered no small amount of confusion about the direction this film took in the last half hour or so. i got the part where there was reconciliation and crying, but i am unclear on what is going on with mark ruffalo. did he get his garden? is he the asshole? where is his family? is he still "hitting that?" what are the origins of the phrase "hitting that?"
oh, hey, no. i know what you are thinking, but actually, i am making an incredible hulk reference here. hulk smash.
the kids are all right gets two heirloom tomatoes.
non-stop
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2024469
i am up in the air about whether i think this was a horrible movie because it was horrible or it was a great movie because it prominently displays everything that is wrong with typical usian attitudes towards so-called security. i am going to go with "horrible" because otherwise i assume the tsa is going to feel me up more than usual the next time i have to fly. no need for any of that, i love america! pass the pringles and let us go root for our favorite sportsball teams!
ugh. and let me tell you, all of these chatty terrorists are killing me. not that i want to give tips to terrorists here, but guys, please. we have to talk. actually, you have to not talk. just whack the protagonist, escape, and blow the plane. if hollywood ever writes a terrorist who can manage to just operate that way, i will give them a dollar. the terrorists do not have to succeed, they just have to not blow it with excessive dialoguing. actually, if they could succeed by not blowing it with excessive dialogue, then i think that would be great because it would establish them as good role models for other hollywood terrorists to look up to.
non-stop gets 150 million dollars in a bank account in my name, or else i will write another horrible review every 20 minutes.
i am up in the air about whether i think this was a horrible movie because it was horrible or it was a great movie because it prominently displays everything that is wrong with typical usian attitudes towards so-called security. i am going to go with "horrible" because otherwise i assume the tsa is going to feel me up more than usual the next time i have to fly. no need for any of that, i love america! pass the pringles and let us go root for our favorite sportsball teams!
ugh. and let me tell you, all of these chatty terrorists are killing me. not that i want to give tips to terrorists here, but guys, please. we have to talk. actually, you have to not talk. just whack the protagonist, escape, and blow the plane. if hollywood ever writes a terrorist who can manage to just operate that way, i will give them a dollar. the terrorists do not have to succeed, they just have to not blow it with excessive dialoguing. actually, if they could succeed by not blowing it with excessive dialogue, then i think that would be great because it would establish them as good role models for other hollywood terrorists to look up to.
non-stop gets 150 million dollars in a bank account in my name, or else i will write another horrible review every 20 minutes.
2014-11-05
the dukes of hazzard
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377818
the good part of watching a piece of crap like this is that by the time you get to the end, you are so messed up that the outtakes seem really funny. however, that is just the endorphins talking. you know, like when you are exercising, and then you stop? let me give you an example. say a bear is chasing you. you climb a tree. bear does not care, knocks the tree down. you run some more. hide in a cave. bear does not care, it is his cave and he finds you. so you run some more. bear still does not care, he catches you and starts mauling you. but then he gets bored and wanders away. that feeling you get, right there, where you are no longer being chased or mauled by an angry bear? endorphins.
the dukes of hazzard gets one flying car.
the good part of watching a piece of crap like this is that by the time you get to the end, you are so messed up that the outtakes seem really funny. however, that is just the endorphins talking. you know, like when you are exercising, and then you stop? let me give you an example. say a bear is chasing you. you climb a tree. bear does not care, knocks the tree down. you run some more. hide in a cave. bear does not care, it is his cave and he finds you. so you run some more. bear still does not care, he catches you and starts mauling you. but then he gets bored and wanders away. that feeling you get, right there, where you are no longer being chased or mauled by an angry bear? endorphins.
the dukes of hazzard gets one flying car.
2014-10-06
butch cassidy and the sundance kid
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064115/
butch cassidy and the sundance kid is the greatest movie ever made. sound, lighting, effects, it has all of the components that are required to make a movie. and the actors! wow. just, wow. the one guy and the other guy, they play off of each other like the peanut butter and the chocolate in a reese's peanut butter cup, and it is pretty good. and the ending! quite a scene.
but enough about that, let me tell you about a new service i am offering: paid-for movie reviews!
now, you might be thinking to yourself that surely, schmolli is not blatantly offering to write good reviews for movies that he has not even watched, for money. however, let me assure that this is exactly what i am doing. my philosophy is that if you are going to go to the trouble of selling out, you should at least make a lot of money off of it.
anyway, here is how it works:
BCATSK gets twenty sellouts.
butch cassidy and the sundance kid is the greatest movie ever made. sound, lighting, effects, it has all of the components that are required to make a movie. and the actors! wow. just, wow. the one guy and the other guy, they play off of each other like the peanut butter and the chocolate in a reese's peanut butter cup, and it is pretty good. and the ending! quite a scene.
but enough about that, let me tell you about a new service i am offering: paid-for movie reviews!
now, you might be thinking to yourself that surely, schmolli is not blatantly offering to write good reviews for movies that he has not even watched, for money. however, let me assure that this is exactly what i am doing. my philosophy is that if you are going to go to the trouble of selling out, you should at least make a lot of money off of it.
anyway, here is how it works:
- write review: $1 per star
- require enough research to make it sound like i watched the movie: $1
- actually watch movie: $5
- product placement: $1-$20 (sliding scale based on product and difficulty of placement.)
- deny that review has been paid for: FREE
that reminds me, all the things i said about BCATSK above were completely true and were based off of my viewing of this film.
BCATSK gets twenty sellouts.
2014-09-01
pacific rim
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1663662
i hear that pacific rim was not intended to be a good movie, but rather, something of an homage to the japanese big robot movies. ok, sure. i agree with the part about it not being a good movie.
i can only take so much nonsense before i give up on a movie. pacific rim had multiple violations of the most severe magnitudes on multiple axes. for example, what was that crap about analog meaning they are immune to EMP? did they mean MECHANICAL? i sure hope not, because they clearly had GLOWY SCREENS onboard that bad boy. also, they had it on the same comms network as everything else, so i guess it was digital after all. oh well.
pacific rim gets one analog rim shot.
i hear that pacific rim was not intended to be a good movie, but rather, something of an homage to the japanese big robot movies. ok, sure. i agree with the part about it not being a good movie.
i can only take so much nonsense before i give up on a movie. pacific rim had multiple violations of the most severe magnitudes on multiple axes. for example, what was that crap about analog meaning they are immune to EMP? did they mean MECHANICAL? i sure hope not, because they clearly had GLOWY SCREENS onboard that bad boy. also, they had it on the same comms network as everything else, so i guess it was digital after all. oh well.
pacific rim gets one analog rim shot.
2014-08-15
lucy
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2872732
lucy is an amateur. she gets up to 50% and starts dissolving? whatever, i have been using over 250% of my brain for years. you might think i am joking, but actually, i am notly. lucy is like the i cannot believe it is not science of butters, if that makes any sense. i sure hope it does not because that string of words bears only a passing resemblance to something something.
is your mind blown yet? keep reading.
i invented the usb stick way back in 1970, but the plans were stolen by *supposed* cheese merchants, who were only able to puzzle them out years later. my original design was able to fit 500 hojillion gigabytes on it, which is over thirty times as much as the one lucy made. the cheese merchants only managed a few megabytes.
all of this is real. none of this is fake.
sudo make me a sandwich.
i sort of want to give a thumbs up to this movie for not objectifying the main character, but i cannot really do it because they just switched to objectifying korean mobsters instead. plus lucy was paper-thin and operating on the thinnest of motivations, so it is still almost objectification.
lucy gets one thumbs up drive.
lucy is an amateur. she gets up to 50% and starts dissolving? whatever, i have been using over 250% of my brain for years. you might think i am joking, but actually, i am notly. lucy is like the i cannot believe it is not science of butters, if that makes any sense. i sure hope it does not because that string of words bears only a passing resemblance to something something.
is your mind blown yet? keep reading.
i invented the usb stick way back in 1970, but the plans were stolen by *supposed* cheese merchants, who were only able to puzzle them out years later. my original design was able to fit 500 hojillion gigabytes on it, which is over thirty times as much as the one lucy made. the cheese merchants only managed a few megabytes.
all of this is real. none of this is fake.
sudo make me a sandwich.
i sort of want to give a thumbs up to this movie for not objectifying the main character, but i cannot really do it because they just switched to objectifying korean mobsters instead. plus lucy was paper-thin and operating on the thinnest of motivations, so it is still almost objectification.
lucy gets one thumbs up drive.
2014-08-04
riddick
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1411250
riddick is an attempt to go back to the formula that worked for the original riddick movie, pitch black. the tie-in to the previous movie where he took over the necronomicon kingdom was clumsy at best. it seemed like they were trying extra hard to bring the expectations down a notch, since he was going from fighting a multi-planet kingdom of hardcore pain fanatics in the last movie to fighting a double handful of mercenaries, many of whom were incompetent, in this one.
i leave you with a single question. on a world filled with ferocious scorpion-monsters that bury themselves in mud and are capable of surviving long dry spells, what do they eat when they wake up? shirley, the answer is not "mercenaries and gazelle-dogs." unless the rain clouds themselves are sentient beings that only release moisture when a sufficient number of mercenaries and gazelle-dogs are present to feed the scorpion-monsters.
riddick gets two necromorphs, but only because of big hearts for vin diesel.
riddick is an attempt to go back to the formula that worked for the original riddick movie, pitch black. the tie-in to the previous movie where he took over the necronomicon kingdom was clumsy at best. it seemed like they were trying extra hard to bring the expectations down a notch, since he was going from fighting a multi-planet kingdom of hardcore pain fanatics in the last movie to fighting a double handful of mercenaries, many of whom were incompetent, in this one.
i leave you with a single question. on a world filled with ferocious scorpion-monsters that bury themselves in mud and are capable of surviving long dry spells, what do they eat when they wake up? shirley, the answer is not "mercenaries and gazelle-dogs." unless the rain clouds themselves are sentient beings that only release moisture when a sufficient number of mercenaries and gazelle-dogs are present to feed the scorpion-monsters.
riddick gets two necromorphs, but only because of big hearts for vin diesel.
2014-07-13
2 guns
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1272878
denzel and mark wahlberg are pretty watchable by themselves, but when you put them together, they are just sort of watchable. kind of like duct tape. there is a light side and a dark side and in the middle a bunch of stringy bits arrayed in a grid that give the light side and dark side some structure.
two guns should have been more entertaining than it was. the twists and betrayals were pretty well telegraphed, and ultimately it was only about 43 million dollars. what was the big deal? was it really worth burning all those resources for only 43 million dollars? well maybe. 43 million is kind of a lot of money. between you and me, i would probably not have killed quite so many people for only 43 million, though.
two guns gets two guns.
denzel and mark wahlberg are pretty watchable by themselves, but when you put them together, they are just sort of watchable. kind of like duct tape. there is a light side and a dark side and in the middle a bunch of stringy bits arrayed in a grid that give the light side and dark side some structure.
two guns should have been more entertaining than it was. the twists and betrayals were pretty well telegraphed, and ultimately it was only about 43 million dollars. what was the big deal? was it really worth burning all those resources for only 43 million dollars? well maybe. 43 million is kind of a lot of money. between you and me, i would probably not have killed quite so many people for only 43 million, though.
two guns gets two guns.
cheap thrills
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2389182
well, they got the "cheap" part right. phew. "what would you do for $X?" is not really a new question, nor was any other part of this movie.
cheap thrills gets one dog choking on a severed finger. i hope that is spoiler enough to dissuade you from sitting through this crap.
well, they got the "cheap" part right. phew. "what would you do for $X?" is not really a new question, nor was any other part of this movie.
cheap thrills gets one dog choking on a severed finger. i hope that is spoiler enough to dissuade you from sitting through this crap.
odd thomas
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1767354
odd thomas would have been a fine b-movie, and maybe that is what it is, at these days' rates. i tend to think that if you spend 27 million on a movie, you should get a bit more out of it than this. the effects were fine, the story was also basically fine, and all the actors seemed to be putting their best foot forward. the script was painfully sloppy, though. i mean, seriously. written by a 14 year old, perhaps? or maybe written *for* a 14 year old. i recently saw frozen and was shocked at how terrible children's movies are. perhaps the fault is in my stars. OR LACK THEREOF.
odd thomas gets two startling contrasts between the quality of its various aspects.
odd thomas would have been a fine b-movie, and maybe that is what it is, at these days' rates. i tend to think that if you spend 27 million on a movie, you should get a bit more out of it than this. the effects were fine, the story was also basically fine, and all the actors seemed to be putting their best foot forward. the script was painfully sloppy, though. i mean, seriously. written by a 14 year old, perhaps? or maybe written *for* a 14 year old. i recently saw frozen and was shocked at how terrible children's movies are. perhaps the fault is in my stars. OR LACK THEREOF.
odd thomas gets two startling contrasts between the quality of its various aspects.
2014-06-27
rollerball
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246894
what do i want to say about rollerball. not a whole lot.
rollerball gets one number tattooed on its face.
what do i want to say about rollerball. not a whole lot.
rollerball gets one number tattooed on its face.
escape plan
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1211956
the ideal 80s action movie is a three-star movie. there is a kind of juxtaposition of three-star quality and perfection when it comes to hitting that mark exactly on the head. it really calls your whole worldview into question when you ask yourself whether you should give a movie three stars because it is a three star movie, or if you should give it five stars because it is a three-star movie that is a three star movie. this is why i do not give out stars when i do movie ratings.
escape plan is another non-80s 80s movie that is made up of many of the cliches you know and love. key guy in criminal organization is secretly head of the organization. uncrackable prison is actually crackable. hero has devoted life to making prisons safe because an unsafe prison killed his family. prisoners overcome diversity by banding together against the man. you can make a sextant out of an ink pen, spectacles, and stiff paper. friends are enemies and enemies are friends. sadistic prison guard is sadistic. war is freedom and freedom is justice. it is all there.
escape plan gets three five-star ratings.
the ideal 80s action movie is a three-star movie. there is a kind of juxtaposition of three-star quality and perfection when it comes to hitting that mark exactly on the head. it really calls your whole worldview into question when you ask yourself whether you should give a movie three stars because it is a three star movie, or if you should give it five stars because it is a three-star movie that is a three star movie. this is why i do not give out stars when i do movie ratings.
escape plan is another non-80s 80s movie that is made up of many of the cliches you know and love. key guy in criminal organization is secretly head of the organization. uncrackable prison is actually crackable. hero has devoted life to making prisons safe because an unsafe prison killed his family. prisoners overcome diversity by banding together against the man. you can make a sextant out of an ink pen, spectacles, and stiff paper. friends are enemies and enemies are friends. sadistic prison guard is sadistic. war is freedom and freedom is justice. it is all there.
escape plan gets three five-star ratings.
2014-05-22
pain & gain
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1980209
pain & gain was a fun little flick, though the second half dragged somewhat. i think that what happened is that the second half of the story covers the part which was well documented because various investigators had gotten involved, while they had a freer hand with the telling of the first half. to be clear, both halves were entertaining, i just found the change in tone to be a bit jarring. you should know that i researched this extensively for about five seconds, mostly by thinking about it really hard.
the best part of this movie had to be THE ROCK wearing a "team jesus" shirt, trying to convert the half-jewish kidnapped guy. i do not know how anyone could fail to love this man. maybe if they had only ever seen him in the second half of this movie. mark wahlberg was similarly lovable, but like THE ROCK, much less so in the second half, where he just walked around with bug eyes the whole time.
pain & gain gets three CIA strippers.
pain & gain was a fun little flick, though the second half dragged somewhat. i think that what happened is that the second half of the story covers the part which was well documented because various investigators had gotten involved, while they had a freer hand with the telling of the first half. to be clear, both halves were entertaining, i just found the change in tone to be a bit jarring. you should know that i researched this extensively for about five seconds, mostly by thinking about it really hard.
the best part of this movie had to be THE ROCK wearing a "team jesus" shirt, trying to convert the half-jewish kidnapped guy. i do not know how anyone could fail to love this man. maybe if they had only ever seen him in the second half of this movie. mark wahlberg was similarly lovable, but like THE ROCK, much less so in the second half, where he just walked around with bug eyes the whole time.
pain & gain gets three CIA strippers.
2014-05-16
robocop
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234721
the first robocop was a great 80s action movie. this pile of drek is a mediocre action movie with aspirations of social consciousness. to put it in layman's terms, they fucking ruined it. no, not just ruined. desecrated. smashed. violated. past this point, i generally have to start making up words. like "destroyulated," or even "viomashecrated."
this is otherwise just another sloppy rendition of the humans-will-overcome-machines formula, replete with symbolism worthy of any third grader. robocop gets one killing.
the first robocop was a great 80s action movie. this pile of drek is a mediocre action movie with aspirations of social consciousness. to put it in layman's terms, they fucking ruined it. no, not just ruined. desecrated. smashed. violated. past this point, i generally have to start making up words. like "destroyulated," or even "viomashecrated."
this is otherwise just another sloppy rendition of the humans-will-overcome-machines formula, replete with symbolism worthy of any third grader. robocop gets one killing.
2014-05-14
the family
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2404311
well, what did you expect. that the kids would scatter and run away? in a movie called "the family?" what is even wrong with you.
still, it is kind of cute to watch robert de niro and michell pfeiffer be badasses. in this imaginary world, we have a mafia family blending into a french village seamlessly...cough, cough...witness protection agents moving the family every time they mess up...cough, cough...and various hijinks like blowing up a grocery store and getting away with it even though you are the only obvious suspect. that is hollywood, or perhaps france. my money is on hollywood, though.
the family gets two witness protection agents providing constant surveillance. in france.
well, what did you expect. that the kids would scatter and run away? in a movie called "the family?" what is even wrong with you.
still, it is kind of cute to watch robert de niro and michell pfeiffer be badasses. in this imaginary world, we have a mafia family blending into a french village seamlessly...cough, cough...witness protection agents moving the family every time they mess up...cough, cough...and various hijinks like blowing up a grocery store and getting away with it even though you are the only obvious suspect. that is hollywood, or perhaps france. my money is on hollywood, though.
the family gets two witness protection agents providing constant surveillance. in france.
city by the sea
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0269095
city by the sea is about cops and junkies and intra-generation strife. de niro makes it work, kind of. i was unable to connect to any of the other characters.
city by the sea gets two surprise grandchildren.
city by the sea is about cops and junkies and intra-generation strife. de niro makes it work, kind of. i was unable to connect to any of the other characters.
city by the sea gets two surprise grandchildren.
2014-05-09
most wanted
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119709
most wanted is great. no wait, that is the delirium talking. anyway, the best part was where damon wayans was being chased by the nearest 500 random passerby, zombie hoard style. how does he get away? by running across a freeway, where the steady stream of cars helpfully mows down all the pedestrians, who blindly ran out onto the freeway after him, resulting in a 5000 car pileup. does it sound ridiculous? maybe. however, it is completely representative of the rest of the movie.
most wanted gets one improvised plan.
most wanted is great. no wait, that is the delirium talking. anyway, the best part was where damon wayans was being chased by the nearest 500 random passerby, zombie hoard style. how does he get away? by running across a freeway, where the steady stream of cars helpfully mows down all the pedestrians, who blindly ran out onto the freeway after him, resulting in a 5000 car pileup. does it sound ridiculous? maybe. however, it is completely representative of the rest of the movie.
most wanted gets one improvised plan.
2014-05-08
the double
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1646980
the double is pure crap. they showed richard gere to be cassius so early in the movie that it was obvious something else was going to happen. i would greatly have appreciated if they had lead up to the real twist in any way, really, rather than just kind of making it magically appear.
i realize that the idea of a long-awaited revenge is a staple of the film industry, but i am just too tired of the blatant implausibility of such a thing to stop from rolling my eyes when i see it. 25 years? really? how do you make it that long without dying of being an asshole somewhere along the way?
also, i guess this is obvious, but richard gere as an elite agent, let alone an elite double agent, is completely unbelievable. topher grace as the inexperienced agent, on the other hand, was much more believable, but he still somehow manages to be annoying. this is frustrating to me, because i *want* to like topher grace.
the double gets one surprise russian agent.
the double is pure crap. they showed richard gere to be cassius so early in the movie that it was obvious something else was going to happen. i would greatly have appreciated if they had lead up to the real twist in any way, really, rather than just kind of making it magically appear.
i realize that the idea of a long-awaited revenge is a staple of the film industry, but i am just too tired of the blatant implausibility of such a thing to stop from rolling my eyes when i see it. 25 years? really? how do you make it that long without dying of being an asshole somewhere along the way?
also, i guess this is obvious, but richard gere as an elite agent, let alone an elite double agent, is completely unbelievable. topher grace as the inexperienced agent, on the other hand, was much more believable, but he still somehow manages to be annoying. this is frustrating to me, because i *want* to like topher grace.
the double gets one surprise russian agent.
mindhunters
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0297284
mindhunters sacrifices everything--and i mean *everything*--in its attempt to provide you with just one more plot twist. i was quite frankly expecting the bad guy to turn out to be christian slater, somehow miraculously resurrected from having been flash-frozen and shattered into pieces. it was just that kind of movie. the story does not so much develop as bludgeon you into submission.
a good plot twist is a magic trick. misdirection, rather than the simple withholding of information, is key. the sixth sense was a magic trick. the prestige was a magic trick. the usual suspects was great, but not a great *magic trick*, as the key data points that would point to the twist were not available until the big reveal. and then there is mindhunters, which was just a series of plot pointers uttered by whichever of the characters that still happens to be alive.
mindhunters gets one wristwatch set to RIGHT NOW.
mindhunters sacrifices everything--and i mean *everything*--in its attempt to provide you with just one more plot twist. i was quite frankly expecting the bad guy to turn out to be christian slater, somehow miraculously resurrected from having been flash-frozen and shattered into pieces. it was just that kind of movie. the story does not so much develop as bludgeon you into submission.
a good plot twist is a magic trick. misdirection, rather than the simple withholding of information, is key. the sixth sense was a magic trick. the prestige was a magic trick. the usual suspects was great, but not a great *magic trick*, as the key data points that would point to the twist were not available until the big reveal. and then there is mindhunters, which was just a series of plot pointers uttered by whichever of the characters that still happens to be alive.
mindhunters gets one wristwatch set to RIGHT NOW.
say anything
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098258
this is the movie where john cusack holds the boombox playing peter gabriel over his head. i basically watched it to observe that scene in its natural setting and was otherwise not expecting much from the film. so i was pleasantly pleased that, despite the predictability of the plot, this was still a pretty palatable offering. i particularly appreciated the ending, if only because when there is symbolism in a scene, i *usually* do not get it.
say anything gets three kick boxes.
this is the movie where john cusack holds the boombox playing peter gabriel over his head. i basically watched it to observe that scene in its natural setting and was otherwise not expecting much from the film. so i was pleasantly pleased that, despite the predictability of the plot, this was still a pretty palatable offering. i particularly appreciated the ending, if only because when there is symbolism in a scene, i *usually* do not get it.
say anything gets three kick boxes.
2014-04-25
gi joe: retaliation
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1583421
this gi joe movie was no better than the last one. this is the kind of movie that features ultra-elite soldiers who are mostly elite at slow-motion walking while ill-advisedly pointing their high-powered rifles at their commanding officers. "woops."
is there anything good? well, THE ROCK. but that is about it. even THE ROCK cannot pull this one off, though.
gi joe gets one ridiculously under-armoured tank that is somehow able to take out three supergun tank things.
this gi joe movie was no better than the last one. this is the kind of movie that features ultra-elite soldiers who are mostly elite at slow-motion walking while ill-advisedly pointing their high-powered rifles at their commanding officers. "woops."
is there anything good? well, THE ROCK. but that is about it. even THE ROCK cannot pull this one off, though.
gi joe gets one ridiculously under-armoured tank that is somehow able to take out three supergun tank things.
doomsday book
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2297164
doomsday book is a set of three vignettes about the end of the world and what happens afterwards. it turns out that life goes on. this should not come as a surprise to anyone, especially if they read smbc. the individual stories had good variety amongst themselves and presented some interesting viewpoints, but they were a bit choppy and i could not connect to any of the characters.
doomsday book gets two doomsdays in dead tree format.
doomsday book is a set of three vignettes about the end of the world and what happens afterwards. it turns out that life goes on. this should not come as a surprise to anyone, especially if they read smbc. the individual stories had good variety amongst themselves and presented some interesting viewpoints, but they were a bit choppy and i could not connect to any of the characters.
doomsday book gets two doomsdays in dead tree format.
blitz
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1297919
jason statham is a bad police officer. luckily, the tired and predictable plot of this tripefest called for a bad police officer. unluckily, the plot called for him to be bad in a moral sense, not just bad at his job.
blitz gets one whatever.
jason statham is a bad police officer. luckily, the tired and predictable plot of this tripefest called for a bad police officer. unluckily, the plot called for him to be bad in a moral sense, not just bad at his job.
blitz gets one whatever.
2014-04-11
jackass presents: bad grandpa
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3063516
bad grandpa is a movie that lets you know what is going on right from the start. and let me tell you, what is going on is bad. this is the kind of movie you use a word like "travesty" on. who even watches these things? oh, right.
bad grandpa gets one multi-state shooting spree.
bad grandpa is a movie that lets you know what is going on right from the start. and let me tell you, what is going on is bad. this is the kind of movie you use a word like "travesty" on. who even watches these things? oh, right.
bad grandpa gets one multi-state shooting spree.
2014-03-20
out of the furnace
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1206543
i gets me a real hankerin fer a christian bale movie ever now an agin. he gots him a way, if you gnome sane. he doan allus play him a fancypants rich man, no sir. sometimes he plays him that unlikely anti-hero archetype.
out of the furnace tells a real simple story, but they done complexed it up wit a bunch a winder dressin. coulda cut half the screen time if they cut some of the fat. overall, i wanted tur like it. it were beautifully shot, acted, and musicked. if only that story been done cleaner.
out of the furnace gets three winder dressins. this should be taken as testerment to their acting and cinnamertogrify.
i gets me a real hankerin fer a christian bale movie ever now an agin. he gots him a way, if you gnome sane. he doan allus play him a fancypants rich man, no sir. sometimes he plays him that unlikely anti-hero archetype.
out of the furnace tells a real simple story, but they done complexed it up wit a bunch a winder dressin. coulda cut half the screen time if they cut some of the fat. overall, i wanted tur like it. it were beautifully shot, acted, and musicked. if only that story been done cleaner.
out of the furnace gets three winder dressins. this should be taken as testerment to their acting and cinnamertogrify.
2014-03-14
dead man down
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2101341
dead man down was a pretty ok movie about revenge. it was a solid film, if not outstanding in any way. i had mixed feelings about most parts. for example, i liked how he adjusted his plan when it went bad, but not so much how he basically turned into super action hero man. the neighbor's revenge fixation was a nice counterpoint, but she was a bit one-dimensional. dimension and a half, maybe. could have done with more.
dead man down gets three dead men down.
dead man down was a pretty ok movie about revenge. it was a solid film, if not outstanding in any way. i had mixed feelings about most parts. for example, i liked how he adjusted his plan when it went bad, but not so much how he basically turned into super action hero man. the neighbor's revenge fixation was a nice counterpoint, but she was a bit one-dimensional. dimension and a half, maybe. could have done with more.
dead man down gets three dead men down.
2014-03-07
double dragon
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106761
double dragon is one of the movies that they are talking about when they say that movie adaptations of video games are all horrible. it was basically on par with the super mario brothers movie. they did not even get the fighting parts right. honestly. the person you have in the role of the martial arts master should at least be able to kick above the level of her knees. it was bad enough to make me feel alive again, though to be fair, the main feeling was a kind of revulsion that i could frankly have done without. or perhaps feeling alive is overrated. better to be dead inside, and thus immune to this filth that rots us away from the inside. lo, i am become ripe with disease, covered over in sores and maggot-filled.
double dragon gets one half of a dragon medallion.
double dragon is one of the movies that they are talking about when they say that movie adaptations of video games are all horrible. it was basically on par with the super mario brothers movie. they did not even get the fighting parts right. honestly. the person you have in the role of the martial arts master should at least be able to kick above the level of her knees. it was bad enough to make me feel alive again, though to be fair, the main feeling was a kind of revulsion that i could frankly have done without. or perhaps feeling alive is overrated. better to be dead inside, and thus immune to this filth that rots us away from the inside. lo, i am become ripe with disease, covered over in sores and maggot-filled.
double dragon gets one half of a dragon medallion.
olympus has fallen
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2302755/
if you love god and murica, then this is the movie for you. though if i were you, i would be really mad that the muricans were portrayed as such wimps. also, what idiot designs a system for detonating all the nukes without even requiring them to be armed first? so it seems to have portrayed them as stupid, too. and ugly. oddly, it did *not* portray them as obese, which i would have thought to be the easy one.
olympus has fallen gets one one-headed dog.
if you love god and murica, then this is the movie for you. though if i were you, i would be really mad that the muricans were portrayed as such wimps. also, what idiot designs a system for detonating all the nukes without even requiring them to be armed first? so it seems to have portrayed them as stupid, too. and ugly. oddly, it did *not* portray them as obese, which i would have thought to be the easy one.
olympus has fallen gets one one-headed dog.
2014-02-28
philomena
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2431286
i am pretty sure that my new thing is going to be to quash all debate by yelling "DID YOU TAKE YOUR KNICKERS DOWN???!?" i got that from the first five minutes of philomena. the rest of it was the predictable voyage of discovery where everybody learns something. i know i learned something. mamas, don't let your babies get sold by nuns to usians.
philomena gets one all-expenses-paid trip to murica.
i am pretty sure that my new thing is going to be to quash all debate by yelling "DID YOU TAKE YOUR KNICKERS DOWN???!?" i got that from the first five minutes of philomena. the rest of it was the predictable voyage of discovery where everybody learns something. i know i learned something. mamas, don't let your babies get sold by nuns to usians.
philomena gets one all-expenses-paid trip to murica.
nebraska
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1821549
i have not seen such a great performance out of will forte since the punching people while they are eating skit.
nebraska is exactly the movie you thought it would be, a mournful elegy for times past. will forte's ever-smirking mug was completely out of place at all points. but at least you could kind of tell that he was trying not to smirk. i know how it goes. "could you not smirk, please?" "what? i am not smirking." "um, ok...well could you not do that thing with your mouth?" "what thing?" "the thing that looks like smirking?" talk about a page from my life.
nebraska gets two long, flat stretches of road.
i have not seen such a great performance out of will forte since the punching people while they are eating skit.
nebraska is exactly the movie you thought it would be, a mournful elegy for times past. will forte's ever-smirking mug was completely out of place at all points. but at least you could kind of tell that he was trying not to smirk. i know how it goes. "could you not smirk, please?" "what? i am not smirking." "um, ok...well could you not do that thing with your mouth?" "what thing?" "the thing that looks like smirking?" talk about a page from my life.
nebraska gets two long, flat stretches of road.
2014-02-21
the last stand
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1549920
i am really glad that schwarzenegger is making movies again. i am even more glad that he is making *80s* movies again. the last stand has holes a-plenty, but who cares. dirty cop cliche? super fast car? bad guys magically know where all the roadblocks will be? eh. i cannot get too upset about these trivialities because we all know that the point of this movie is to be a metaphor for schwarzenegger's career. i am not too good at the metaphors, but i will take a crack at explaining it. in this metaphor, schwarzenegger represents...arnold schwarzenegger. the bad guy represents...um...adversity. lessee, there was a girl, she must be fate, which makes the reformed deputy guy kratos. forest whittaker represents poseidon, while the car guy is hades. i am not sure who zeus is. this metaphor business is pretty tiring.
the last stand gets three career refreshes.
i am really glad that schwarzenegger is making movies again. i am even more glad that he is making *80s* movies again. the last stand has holes a-plenty, but who cares. dirty cop cliche? super fast car? bad guys magically know where all the roadblocks will be? eh. i cannot get too upset about these trivialities because we all know that the point of this movie is to be a metaphor for schwarzenegger's career. i am not too good at the metaphors, but i will take a crack at explaining it. in this metaphor, schwarzenegger represents...arnold schwarzenegger. the bad guy represents...um...adversity. lessee, there was a girl, she must be fate, which makes the reformed deputy guy kratos. forest whittaker represents poseidon, while the car guy is hades. i am not sure who zeus is. this metaphor business is pretty tiring.
the last stand gets three career refreshes.
2014-02-20
the forger
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1368858
the forger is a movie where peeta attempts to cash in on his association with the hunger games movie. i have heard that every actor has to do some really bad movies before they can move on to doing good movies. i figure that is probably true, so i am going to go easy on him. for example, i will refrain from complaining about the poor dialogue, pacing, plot, acting, timing, and chemistry. i will also not make too big of a deal out of the number of holes i put in the wall with my head while trying to beat myself unconscious as this lumbering beast of a movie plodded its way towards its improbable and inevitable conclusion.
also, pro tip: if you are going to make a forgery and you want it to stand up to testing by the anti-forgery police, try running the tests yourself ahead of time. also consider not making the anti-forgery testing part of your auction process.
the forger gets one forgery.
the forger is a movie where peeta attempts to cash in on his association with the hunger games movie. i have heard that every actor has to do some really bad movies before they can move on to doing good movies. i figure that is probably true, so i am going to go easy on him. for example, i will refrain from complaining about the poor dialogue, pacing, plot, acting, timing, and chemistry. i will also not make too big of a deal out of the number of holes i put in the wall with my head while trying to beat myself unconscious as this lumbering beast of a movie plodded its way towards its improbable and inevitable conclusion.
also, pro tip: if you are going to make a forgery and you want it to stand up to testing by the anti-forgery police, try running the tests yourself ahead of time. also consider not making the anti-forgery testing part of your auction process.
the forger gets one forgery.
sudden death
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114576
i am working on clearing my backlog of bad action movies. i have missed a lot of the jcvd ones...including jcvd. so that is how i ended up watching this particular bad action movie.
sudden death was pretty bad, but that was to be expected. see previous paragraph. what was unforgivable was how *lame* it was. jcvd plays an ex-firefighter whose primary superpower is knowing some things about bombs. he is not credible as a fight scene powerhouse, and indeed, they do not portray him as such. however, because he just kind of bobbles along getting beat up, the film is not much fun to watch. the most entertaining part was watching powers boothe overcome the secret service's security and laughing at how unlikely it is that the secret service would actually be so dumb.
sudden death gets one puck to the face.
i am working on clearing my backlog of bad action movies. i have missed a lot of the jcvd ones...including jcvd. so that is how i ended up watching this particular bad action movie.
sudden death was pretty bad, but that was to be expected. see previous paragraph. what was unforgivable was how *lame* it was. jcvd plays an ex-firefighter whose primary superpower is knowing some things about bombs. he is not credible as a fight scene powerhouse, and indeed, they do not portray him as such. however, because he just kind of bobbles along getting beat up, the film is not much fun to watch. the most entertaining part was watching powers boothe overcome the secret service's security and laughing at how unlikely it is that the secret service would actually be so dumb.
sudden death gets one puck to the face.
the lego movie
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1490017
i kind of expected the lego movie to be one big long product placement. it was, of course, but at least it was not over-done. they even had a moral that i could get behind. the most amazing part, however, is that they apparently made and animated a giant will ferrel lego doll. fabulous.
the lego movie gets three part number 85959s.
i kind of expected the lego movie to be one big long product placement. it was, of course, but at least it was not over-done. they even had a moral that i could get behind. the most amazing part, however, is that they apparently made and animated a giant will ferrel lego doll. fabulous.
the lego movie gets three part number 85959s.
2014-01-23
hansel and gretel: witch hunters
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/
hansel and gretel is one of those horror movies where the real horror is that in the final minutes, they were clearly lining up a sequel. please, no more. think of the children. not the children in the movie. the children outside the movie. the ones that are in danger of being exposed to such dangerous materials as grand white witches and trolls-with-hearts-of-gold. also, how do you spend your whole life hunting evil witches and still be completely unaware that not only do good witches exist, but that you-or-your-sister is one of them? do not even talk to me about acting, plot, sound, music, lighting, or cinematography.
hansel and gretel get one half witchblade each.
hansel and gretel is one of those horror movies where the real horror is that in the final minutes, they were clearly lining up a sequel. please, no more. think of the children. not the children in the movie. the children outside the movie. the ones that are in danger of being exposed to such dangerous materials as grand white witches and trolls-with-hearts-of-gold. also, how do you spend your whole life hunting evil witches and still be completely unaware that not only do good witches exist, but that you-or-your-sister is one of them? do not even talk to me about acting, plot, sound, music, lighting, or cinematography.
hansel and gretel get one half witchblade each.
2014-01-17
the wolf of wall street
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0993846
the wolf of wall street was deeply entertaining for the first two hours. it was unfortunately a three hour movie. for the last hour, you have to watch leonardo circle the drain. after three hours, i do not have the strength to write any more.
the wolf of wall street gets two quaaludes.
the wolf of wall street was deeply entertaining for the first two hours. it was unfortunately a three hour movie. for the last hour, you have to watch leonardo circle the drain. after three hours, i do not have the strength to write any more.
the wolf of wall street gets two quaaludes.
american hustle
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1800241
i love confidence movies. i have a lot of fun guessing who is getting conned at any particular time. i like to imagine what i would do if i was the confidence person. of course, i would be a terrible confidence person. can i lie? no. can i devise a complicated swindle? surely not. am i tall? the jury is in, and they say "not guilty."
american hustle suffered from a failure to decide whether it was a documentary or a confidence movie. i mean, it was a confidence movie, but it was also sort of based on some real event or something, which really cut it off at the knees. confidence movies are fun when the twist goes *bigger* than you expected. american hustle's twist was pretty lame. really? they only wanted to con the feds? and they got no money out of it? booooooring. but that is what happens when you constrain yourself to so-called reality.
american hustle gets two perms.
i love confidence movies. i have a lot of fun guessing who is getting conned at any particular time. i like to imagine what i would do if i was the confidence person. of course, i would be a terrible confidence person. can i lie? no. can i devise a complicated swindle? surely not. am i tall? the jury is in, and they say "not guilty."
american hustle suffered from a failure to decide whether it was a documentary or a confidence movie. i mean, it was a confidence movie, but it was also sort of based on some real event or something, which really cut it off at the knees. confidence movies are fun when the twist goes *bigger* than you expected. american hustle's twist was pretty lame. really? they only wanted to con the feds? and they got no money out of it? booooooring. but that is what happens when you constrain yourself to so-called reality.
american hustle gets two perms.
2014-01-10
bko: bangkok knockout
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1770650
bangkok knockout is one of those arena movies where one or more protagonists make their way through a series of fights. do not look for plot or acting, there is only enough of each to move from one fight to the next. bko's plot was actually better than most of its brethren's, but you still cannot study it too closely without finding lots of nits to pick.
the fights were well done. good choreography, an astonishing amount of variety, and not too predictable in flow or outcome. they were a lot of fun to watch.
bangkok knockout gets four knockouts for knowing what it is, and more importantly, what it is not.
bangkok knockout is one of those arena movies where one or more protagonists make their way through a series of fights. do not look for plot or acting, there is only enough of each to move from one fight to the next. bko's plot was actually better than most of its brethren's, but you still cannot study it too closely without finding lots of nits to pick.
the fights were well done. good choreography, an astonishing amount of variety, and not too predictable in flow or outcome. they were a lot of fun to watch.
bangkok knockout gets four knockouts for knowing what it is, and more importantly, what it is not.
2014-01-05
stand up guys
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1389096
stand up guys is a tired, threadbare plot coupled with lackluster performances. it breaks my heart to see pacino and walken in this heap. i must also, with heavy heart, retract the assertion i have made on numerous occasions that al pacino can make anything great. also, he is apparently pretty short.
stand up guys gets one steak. rare.
stand up guys is a tired, threadbare plot coupled with lackluster performances. it breaks my heart to see pacino and walken in this heap. i must also, with heavy heart, retract the assertion i have made on numerous occasions that al pacino can make anything great. also, he is apparently pretty short.
stand up guys gets one steak. rare.
the bodyguard
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450996
the bodyguard? you mean that movie from the 90s that starred whitney houston and kevin kostner? no, not that one. well then, you must mean the kurosawa movie which is better known as yojimbo? no, not that one either. rather, this is the thai slapstick martial arts movie which distinguishes itself from its contemporaries by aiming for horrible and then wildly exceeding expectations. not in a good way. i sat all the way through it--not proud of that--because at every point i thought to myself that it could not possibly get any worse. as it happens, at every point, i was wrong. so very, very wrong. i am covered in the stench of wrongness, set adrift in a sea of sorrow and regret, captain and crew of a tugboat named misery.
why am i so stupid. netflix recommendations have screwed me time after time, and still, i let myself be intrigued by the things they suggest. here is how netflix described this one: "With plenty of martial arts action and a hefty dose of Thai humor, this crime comedy tells the story of hapless personal bodyguard Wong Kom." they also list tony jaa as the headliner. hoo boy. where do the lies begin? it is hard to tell because there are so many of them.
first of all, tony jaa, who is exceedingly watchable in a fight scene, only appears for a cameo. he shows up to beat down a couple people for no discernible reason, then takes off. this is the kind of movie where that sort of thing happens all the time.
secondly, the "martial arts action" is some of the stupidest stuff i have ever seen. wire work for the sake of wire work? wu shu? kickboxing? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
third, "thai humor" apparently consists of ridiculing homosexuals, poor people, and the mentally handicapped. this aspect was probably the least offensive part of the movie.
the body guard gets one migraine.
the bodyguard? you mean that movie from the 90s that starred whitney houston and kevin kostner? no, not that one. well then, you must mean the kurosawa movie which is better known as yojimbo? no, not that one either. rather, this is the thai slapstick martial arts movie which distinguishes itself from its contemporaries by aiming for horrible and then wildly exceeding expectations. not in a good way. i sat all the way through it--not proud of that--because at every point i thought to myself that it could not possibly get any worse. as it happens, at every point, i was wrong. so very, very wrong. i am covered in the stench of wrongness, set adrift in a sea of sorrow and regret, captain and crew of a tugboat named misery.
why am i so stupid. netflix recommendations have screwed me time after time, and still, i let myself be intrigued by the things they suggest. here is how netflix described this one: "With plenty of martial arts action and a hefty dose of Thai humor, this crime comedy tells the story of hapless personal bodyguard Wong Kom." they also list tony jaa as the headliner. hoo boy. where do the lies begin? it is hard to tell because there are so many of them.
first of all, tony jaa, who is exceedingly watchable in a fight scene, only appears for a cameo. he shows up to beat down a couple people for no discernible reason, then takes off. this is the kind of movie where that sort of thing happens all the time.
secondly, the "martial arts action" is some of the stupidest stuff i have ever seen. wire work for the sake of wire work? wu shu? kickboxing? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
third, "thai humor" apparently consists of ridiculing homosexuals, poor people, and the mentally handicapped. this aspect was probably the least offensive part of the movie.
the body guard gets one migraine.
2014-01-04
ninja 2: shadow of a tear
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2458106
i dunno. ninja basically worked, but ninja 2 took a hard left onto taking itself too seriously street. cutting everything having to do with the dead wife other than the death scene would have gone a long way towards fixing that issue. the pregnancy thing was completely unnecessary. as if the protagonist's personality was nuanced enough to need that extra motivation for revenge.
fight scenes: we got thems. they were plentiful and adequately impressive. i could have done with fewer stutters in the action, though. grimacing and posing do not get the job done. try punching or kicking or something like that. i also could have done with less focus on the stupid barbed wire strangling weapon thing. it was not even that good of a weapon. here is a tip. you want to knock somebody off, just shove them down the stairs or in front of a car. way easier, and it looks accidental. not when you do it to an entire encampment of armed guards, though. there is that.
also, who sends thugs bearing knives with the school logo on them after a guy you are certain will be able to beat the crap out of them? maybe the same guy who TAKES DRUG DELIVERIES IN THE DOJO OFFICE DURING BROAD DAYLIGHT WHILE THE PROTAGONIST WATCHES. i just, what.
ninja 2 gets two symbols for happiness.
i dunno. ninja basically worked, but ninja 2 took a hard left onto taking itself too seriously street. cutting everything having to do with the dead wife other than the death scene would have gone a long way towards fixing that issue. the pregnancy thing was completely unnecessary. as if the protagonist's personality was nuanced enough to need that extra motivation for revenge.
fight scenes: we got thems. they were plentiful and adequately impressive. i could have done with fewer stutters in the action, though. grimacing and posing do not get the job done. try punching or kicking or something like that. i also could have done with less focus on the stupid barbed wire strangling weapon thing. it was not even that good of a weapon. here is a tip. you want to knock somebody off, just shove them down the stairs or in front of a car. way easier, and it looks accidental. not when you do it to an entire encampment of armed guards, though. there is that.
also, who sends thugs bearing knives with the school logo on them after a guy you are certain will be able to beat the crap out of them? maybe the same guy who TAKES DRUG DELIVERIES IN THE DOJO OFFICE DURING BROAD DAYLIGHT WHILE THE PROTAGONIST WATCHES. i just, what.
ninja 2 gets two symbols for happiness.
2014-01-03
13 assassins
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1436045
13 assassins is essentially a remake of seven samurai with six extra samurai. i do not mean that in a bad way. it is a fine film. also nice, it is an hour shorter than seven samurai. however, the six extra samurai are clearly too much; you cannot keep them all straight, and the introductions take forever. other than the noise about who the bad guy is, this is just an updated version of the kurosawa classic.
13 assassins gets three assassins. for a total of 16. see what i did there? math.
13 assassins is essentially a remake of seven samurai with six extra samurai. i do not mean that in a bad way. it is a fine film. also nice, it is an hour shorter than seven samurai. however, the six extra samurai are clearly too much; you cannot keep them all straight, and the introductions take forever. other than the noise about who the bad guy is, this is just an updated version of the kurosawa classic.
13 assassins gets three assassins. for a total of 16. see what i did there? math.
lovelace
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1426329
lovelace comes off almost as a documentary, but because it obviously was not a documentary, i had a hard time getting into it.
sigh. and before i go any further, let me just add that this review does not contain any double-entendres.
where was i. oh yeah. i was also confused at first because every time i hear "lovelace", i think of *ada* lovelace, not linda. it just goes to show what happens when parents do not bring their children up right. this movie, of course, showed what happens when parents *do* bring their children up right--they go into the porn industry and marry into abusive and exploitative relationships.
lovelace gets two starring roles in a feature film.
lovelace comes off almost as a documentary, but because it obviously was not a documentary, i had a hard time getting into it.
sigh. and before i go any further, let me just add that this review does not contain any double-entendres.
where was i. oh yeah. i was also confused at first because every time i hear "lovelace", i think of *ada* lovelace, not linda. it just goes to show what happens when parents do not bring their children up right. this movie, of course, showed what happens when parents *do* bring their children up right--they go into the porn industry and marry into abusive and exploitative relationships.
lovelace gets two starring roles in a feature film.
serpico
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070666
serpico was not bad, but i had a hard time relating to it. i am slowly coming to believe that the main thing al pacino does is this kind of bug-eyed hangdog wtf expression. now that i have seen it, i cannot unsee it, and it is ruining pretty much every al pacino movie for me. it is like the time i read an article that said THE ROCK only has two modes, nice-guy mode and super-serious-ass-kicker mode. so now, though i still love THE ROCK with every fiber of my being, i cannot watch him in something without categorizing his performance into one of those two buckets. and sometimes into both buckets. have you seen his walking tall remake? god i love THE ROCK. i can even stomach johnny knoxfield a little bit now.
anyway, THE ROCK was not in this movie. serpico gets TWO ROCKS.
serpico was not bad, but i had a hard time relating to it. i am slowly coming to believe that the main thing al pacino does is this kind of bug-eyed hangdog wtf expression. now that i have seen it, i cannot unsee it, and it is ruining pretty much every al pacino movie for me. it is like the time i read an article that said THE ROCK only has two modes, nice-guy mode and super-serious-ass-kicker mode. so now, though i still love THE ROCK with every fiber of my being, i cannot watch him in something without categorizing his performance into one of those two buckets. and sometimes into both buckets. have you seen his walking tall remake? god i love THE ROCK. i can even stomach johnny knoxfield a little bit now.
anyway, THE ROCK was not in this movie. serpico gets TWO ROCKS.
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