[IMDB] [Amazon]
night owls is the kind of movie you watch because even though nobody wants to see it and you all expect very little from it, you are also tired of arguing and the argument about what to watch has gone to a weird place where the heels are dug in *all* the way and people are pulling shit like refusing to watch a good movie because *someone else* in the group already saw it, despite the fact that the someone else says they want to watch it again. when the discussion about what to watch is in that very special weird place, watch out. all of the good movies are going to be thrown violently off the table, and you are going to pick something bad, more or less at random. and then you are going to sit in silence, arms crossed and hating every second of it, but also pointedly pausing the movie any time somebody has to get up to use the shitter or get some water because you are all in it together and there is no way *anybody* is going to escape that miserable train wreck with a few minutes in the bathroom.
night owls delivered exactly according to expectations. it gets one valium.
2016-08-19
event horizon
[IMDB] [Amazon]
i gotta learn to let things go sometimes. i saw event horizon almost 20 years ago, and it has haunted me ever since. off and on, not every day. i am not a psycho. i mean, i am a psycho, but that is not the point. the point is that i always felt that this movie had defeated me in some way, and since i am a sore loser, it bothered me. wait, let me back up for a second and give you some context.
this was back near the end of my time in college. i was all burned out, my classes were hard, and i was working way too many hours. also, at the time, i had my day shifted so i would basically get up at 2 or 3 in the morning--it was part of my brilliant plan to have peace and quiet for doing homework or whatever--except, i also vaguely remember that i would usually not stumble home until after 10 or 12 at night, so no wonder about all the hallucinations. have you ever been chased through the dark by your imagination? do not answer that, i cannot hear you.
anyway. i do not watch a lot of horror movies, and for good reason. my sleep-deprived imagination would latch onto anything even remotely scary and just put that shit on repeat. when i watched blair witch project, i made the mistake of doing so by myself, late at night, in a theater that i had to drive home from. i was halfway home, driving on a narrow, unlit street, when i suddenly realized the significance of the final scene. oh god, i thought, he was STANDING IN THE CORNER. it is a wonder i did not plow into a parked car, what with my sudden panic attack, combined with an equally sudden conviction that the blair witch was IN MY BACK SEAT, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. i "slept" with the lights on that night, and i did not bother trying to sleep for a few days after that. when i was at work the following night, not bothering to sleep, i was convinced that the blair witch was behind me, though what she was doing in the rack with the licensing servers was not something my brain had an explanation for. i kept checking anyway. there was another time when my so-called friend convinced me to go see the exorcist, and that was even worse. i slept with the lights on for a week, and on at least a couple occasions, i woke up, hallucinating that that fucking little girl was spider-walking at me from around the corner of the kitchen island thing.
um. anyway. so, against this backdrop, we have an opportunity to watch a "science fiction" movie called event horizon. now, see, when i procured it, i was not aware that it was a sci-fi/HORROR movie. had i only known, i could have walked away. however, once i had it, i had to watch it. if that sounds wrong, then screw you, completionists are people too.
event horizon took me three sittings to watch, and i watched most of it by playing the movie in one window while i did something else in another window. fucking self-mutilation, man. it really gets to me. when i finally finished it, i felt relief, because mission accomplished, but i also felt defeat. fast-forward to a couple weeks ago, when somebody who absolutely did not know what they were talking about wrote that event horizon, though panned by critics and viewers alike, had some kind of staying power and was much better on a second viewing.
i knew it was a trap, i knew they were full of shit, i knew i was going to hate myself, and i knew i was going to watch it again. goddammit why am i so predictable. my friends and loved ones were very supportive--except my asshole dog, who just wanted food and belly rubs--and every single one of them said i should forget about the movie. just take it out of your queue, you do not have to watch it. why would you do that. you know you will not like it. you know you will regret it forever.
well, i DID take it out of my queue. then i was home alone and could not stop thinking about it and i looked it up and watched it anyway. and that is how i got closure.
event horizon gets one black hole to hell. it was no better the second time around and anybody who suggests otherwise is an idiot. honourable mention to sam neill for being legitimately creepy, at least so far as i could tell from between my fingers, before the part where the mutilations started.
i gotta learn to let things go sometimes. i saw event horizon almost 20 years ago, and it has haunted me ever since. off and on, not every day. i am not a psycho. i mean, i am a psycho, but that is not the point. the point is that i always felt that this movie had defeated me in some way, and since i am a sore loser, it bothered me. wait, let me back up for a second and give you some context.
this was back near the end of my time in college. i was all burned out, my classes were hard, and i was working way too many hours. also, at the time, i had my day shifted so i would basically get up at 2 or 3 in the morning--it was part of my brilliant plan to have peace and quiet for doing homework or whatever--except, i also vaguely remember that i would usually not stumble home until after 10 or 12 at night, so no wonder about all the hallucinations. have you ever been chased through the dark by your imagination? do not answer that, i cannot hear you.
anyway. i do not watch a lot of horror movies, and for good reason. my sleep-deprived imagination would latch onto anything even remotely scary and just put that shit on repeat. when i watched blair witch project, i made the mistake of doing so by myself, late at night, in a theater that i had to drive home from. i was halfway home, driving on a narrow, unlit street, when i suddenly realized the significance of the final scene. oh god, i thought, he was STANDING IN THE CORNER. it is a wonder i did not plow into a parked car, what with my sudden panic attack, combined with an equally sudden conviction that the blair witch was IN MY BACK SEAT, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. i "slept" with the lights on that night, and i did not bother trying to sleep for a few days after that. when i was at work the following night, not bothering to sleep, i was convinced that the blair witch was behind me, though what she was doing in the rack with the licensing servers was not something my brain had an explanation for. i kept checking anyway. there was another time when my so-called friend convinced me to go see the exorcist, and that was even worse. i slept with the lights on for a week, and on at least a couple occasions, i woke up, hallucinating that that fucking little girl was spider-walking at me from around the corner of the kitchen island thing.
um. anyway. so, against this backdrop, we have an opportunity to watch a "science fiction" movie called event horizon. now, see, when i procured it, i was not aware that it was a sci-fi/HORROR movie. had i only known, i could have walked away. however, once i had it, i had to watch it. if that sounds wrong, then screw you, completionists are people too.
event horizon took me three sittings to watch, and i watched most of it by playing the movie in one window while i did something else in another window. fucking self-mutilation, man. it really gets to me. when i finally finished it, i felt relief, because mission accomplished, but i also felt defeat. fast-forward to a couple weeks ago, when somebody who absolutely did not know what they were talking about wrote that event horizon, though panned by critics and viewers alike, had some kind of staying power and was much better on a second viewing.
i knew it was a trap, i knew they were full of shit, i knew i was going to hate myself, and i knew i was going to watch it again. goddammit why am i so predictable. my friends and loved ones were very supportive--except my asshole dog, who just wanted food and belly rubs--and every single one of them said i should forget about the movie. just take it out of your queue, you do not have to watch it. why would you do that. you know you will not like it. you know you will regret it forever.
well, i DID take it out of my queue. then i was home alone and could not stop thinking about it and i looked it up and watched it anyway. and that is how i got closure.
event horizon gets one black hole to hell. it was no better the second time around and anybody who suggests otherwise is an idiot. honourable mention to sam neill for being legitimately creepy, at least so far as i could tell from between my fingers, before the part where the mutilations started.
let's go to prison
[IMDB] [Amazon]
let's go to prison has some cheap laughs, a completely predictable plot arc, and a bunch of unidimensional stereotypes for characters. luckily, they realized they were making low-budget drek and embraced it, otherwise it would have been a real shit show. it is too bad they cut out most of the funny parts and made this a half serious movie.
let's go to prison gets two syringes of boat cleaner.
let's go to prison has some cheap laughs, a completely predictable plot arc, and a bunch of unidimensional stereotypes for characters. luckily, they realized they were making low-budget drek and embraced it, otherwise it would have been a real shit show. it is too bad they cut out most of the funny parts and made this a half serious movie.
let's go to prison gets two syringes of boat cleaner.
2016-08-07
assault on wall street
[IMDB] [Amazon]
assault on wall street was basically a remake of death wish, with wall street bankers in the role of the heartless thugs. i know we were all supposed to identify with the way the evil bankers screwed over the hapless hero guy, but the thing i kept thinking to myself was that if you do not bother to educate yourself about the things you are doing with your money, then maybe you should not be surprised if something bad happens. for example, if you obtain an adjustable rate mortgage, then you had better not be surprised when the rate gets adjusted. it is right there in the name.
assault on wall street was basically a remake of death wish, with wall street bankers in the role of the heartless thugs. i know we were all supposed to identify with the way the evil bankers screwed over the hapless hero guy, but the thing i kept thinking to myself was that if you do not bother to educate yourself about the things you are doing with your money, then maybe you should not be surprised if something bad happens. for example, if you obtain an adjustable rate mortgage, then you had better not be surprised when the rate gets adjusted. it is right there in the name.
it was hard to sympathize with the protagonist because he apparently signed up for every bad-idea investment possible and did not read a goddamn one of the papers he signed. this is not very compassionate of me, but i kind of feel like people need to take responsibility for educating themselves about things that are of critical importance to them. i also feel that if they do not get around to educating themselves, then they do not get to take it out on others. i especially feel that murder should be right out, and i am greatly displeased by a film that depicts this kind of behavior in a favourable light.
assault on wall street gets one cop who looks the other way, like an asshole.
assault on wall street gets one cop who looks the other way, like an asshole.
2016-08-05
the big short
[IMDB] [Amazon]
the big short was sort of entertaining, largely due to ryan gosling's efforts, but also because steve carell was not painful to watch, for a change. i think they were trying to show the protagonists to be just as big a bunch of assholes as the bankers that they were up against, and they portrayed the struggle as if it were between the bankers. however, it was really kind of a self-serving vision. they paid lip service to the common people who both the protagonists and antagonists were *really* up against, and as a result, the cynicism that caked this movie from top to bottom fell flat. i guess this story might have worked better in documentary format? i am probably biased, since i think "based on a true story" is the most useless thing you can say about any work of fiction.
while i am complaining, all this crap with the characters addressing the camera was completely misplaced. i *think* they did it because otherwise the educational materials ("cyril figgis explains how derivatives work") would have been too jarring, but i really only like being addressed by characters that i either like or admire, and i had neither sentiment for any character in this movie. except maybe angry vinny, who would have been my absolute favorite if ryan gosling had not stolen both the show and my heart first. anyway, there was too much entertainment stuffed into the educational materials, and it seemed pitched more so the audience would only clearly understand very simple, biased viewpoints, such as "CDO == bad." this was a supremely annoying dilution of the educational value, and i doubt that very many people really learned anything about the financial instruments in question. as a further data point, i submit to you that i had to pause the movie at least five times to explain something or another to the rest of the audience.
the big short gets three ARMs, barely.
the big short was sort of entertaining, largely due to ryan gosling's efforts, but also because steve carell was not painful to watch, for a change. i think they were trying to show the protagonists to be just as big a bunch of assholes as the bankers that they were up against, and they portrayed the struggle as if it were between the bankers. however, it was really kind of a self-serving vision. they paid lip service to the common people who both the protagonists and antagonists were *really* up against, and as a result, the cynicism that caked this movie from top to bottom fell flat. i guess this story might have worked better in documentary format? i am probably biased, since i think "based on a true story" is the most useless thing you can say about any work of fiction.
while i am complaining, all this crap with the characters addressing the camera was completely misplaced. i *think* they did it because otherwise the educational materials ("cyril figgis explains how derivatives work") would have been too jarring, but i really only like being addressed by characters that i either like or admire, and i had neither sentiment for any character in this movie. except maybe angry vinny, who would have been my absolute favorite if ryan gosling had not stolen both the show and my heart first. anyway, there was too much entertainment stuffed into the educational materials, and it seemed pitched more so the audience would only clearly understand very simple, biased viewpoints, such as "CDO == bad." this was a supremely annoying dilution of the educational value, and i doubt that very many people really learned anything about the financial instruments in question. as a further data point, i submit to you that i had to pause the movie at least five times to explain something or another to the rest of the audience.
the big short gets three ARMs, barely.
2016-08-04
phenomenon
[IMDB] [Amazon]
phenomenon is a story about a creepy stalker who gets all kinds of cool brain powers and uses them to show off. the lesson, clearly, is that if you get cool brain powers, keep quiet and prosper from the shadows. also, if you are looking for lessons, try not to learn anything about how ok it is to be a creepy stalker from this movie.
also, if you have brain powers and are looking for ways to quietly profit, look me up. i promise to only use your powers for good. well, things that i deem good, anyway.
phenomenon gets two books every night.
phenomenon is a story about a creepy stalker who gets all kinds of cool brain powers and uses them to show off. the lesson, clearly, is that if you get cool brain powers, keep quiet and prosper from the shadows. also, if you are looking for lessons, try not to learn anything about how ok it is to be a creepy stalker from this movie.
also, if you have brain powers and are looking for ways to quietly profit, look me up. i promise to only use your powers for good. well, things that i deem good, anyway.
phenomenon gets two books every night.
pandemic
[IMDB] [Amazon]
the only interesting thing about pandemic is the first person camera work. everything else is dumb. and actually, the first person camera work is pretty dumb, too. hilariously, the zombies were kind of smart, but i mean that in the sense that they were intelligent, not that they made this movie better.
it has been forever since i have seen a decent zombie movie. i think the last one was zombie strippers, which came out almost a decade ago. i suppose a decade is a mere blink of an eye for the undead, but i refuse to accept that as an excuse because the zombies are rarely responsible for the overall finished product. maybe that is what went wrong with pandemic.
pandemic gets one school bus, on which the wheels go round and round.
the only interesting thing about pandemic is the first person camera work. everything else is dumb. and actually, the first person camera work is pretty dumb, too. hilariously, the zombies were kind of smart, but i mean that in the sense that they were intelligent, not that they made this movie better.
it has been forever since i have seen a decent zombie movie. i think the last one was zombie strippers, which came out almost a decade ago. i suppose a decade is a mere blink of an eye for the undead, but i refuse to accept that as an excuse because the zombies are rarely responsible for the overall finished product. maybe that is what went wrong with pandemic.
pandemic gets one school bus, on which the wheels go round and round.
2016-07-10
experimenter
[IMDB] [Amazon]
stanley milgram's experiments are pretty monumental, but you have almost certainly already heard of them and the controversy around them. so this movie did not add a whole lot in terms of new information or a new angle on an existing story. the main thing i thought it was trying to add was some form of symbolism in the choice of using photographs of backgrounds instead of backgrounds and an apparent attempt to show many scenes in such a way as to make the viewer watch from behind a partition. i guess they wanted to evoke the feeling of distance, watching from behind a 1-way mirror, like milgram did, or from behind a camera, as he also did. and then they intentionally broke that distancing by having milgram directly address the camera and voiceover. whatever it was they were trying to do, it did not quite work.
experimenter gets two wrong answers.
stanley milgram's experiments are pretty monumental, but you have almost certainly already heard of them and the controversy around them. so this movie did not add a whole lot in terms of new information or a new angle on an existing story. the main thing i thought it was trying to add was some form of symbolism in the choice of using photographs of backgrounds instead of backgrounds and an apparent attempt to show many scenes in such a way as to make the viewer watch from behind a partition. i guess they wanted to evoke the feeling of distance, watching from behind a 1-way mirror, like milgram did, or from behind a camera, as he also did. and then they intentionally broke that distancing by having milgram directly address the camera and voiceover. whatever it was they were trying to do, it did not quite work.
experimenter gets two wrong answers.
get the gringo
[IMDB] [Amazon]
get the gringo is essentially a remake of payback, which also starred mel gibson. get the gringo replaces the city with a jail, the escort-for-hire with a mom, and the dog with a 10-year-old boy. everything else is essentially the same. mel gibson does very well in the gentleman antihero role, and the story is satisfying in its way, though you would not be wrong to also mark it as predictable. if you have the option to watch payback instead, you should absolutely go for it. payback had less of a racist vibe and took itself less seriously.
get the gringo gets three gringos.
get the gringo is essentially a remake of payback, which also starred mel gibson. get the gringo replaces the city with a jail, the escort-for-hire with a mom, and the dog with a 10-year-old boy. everything else is essentially the same. mel gibson does very well in the gentleman antihero role, and the story is satisfying in its way, though you would not be wrong to also mark it as predictable. if you have the option to watch payback instead, you should absolutely go for it. payback had less of a racist vibe and took itself less seriously.
get the gringo gets three gringos.
2016-05-24
hot girls wanted
[IMDB]
hot girls wanted is a frustrating documentary to watch. it gives a window into the online sex industry, and clearly shows how horrible a lot of it is, but it gives very little hope that we can do any better. the crux of the problem is that inexperienced people make bad decisions. throw in a little teenage rebellion and a desire for attention, maybe round it out with an activity that you know will be judged harshly by your usual support network, and you have a perfect recipe for what is colloquially known as "naivety." i dunno, maybe time machines would help.
hot girls wanted gets two one-way tickets to florida.
hot girls wanted is a frustrating documentary to watch. it gives a window into the online sex industry, and clearly shows how horrible a lot of it is, but it gives very little hope that we can do any better. the crux of the problem is that inexperienced people make bad decisions. throw in a little teenage rebellion and a desire for attention, maybe round it out with an activity that you know will be judged harshly by your usual support network, and you have a perfect recipe for what is colloquially known as "naivety." i dunno, maybe time machines would help.
hot girls wanted gets two one-way tickets to florida.
tricked
[IMDB]
tricked is a documentary about the sex slave industry in the us. the main story it is pushing is that there is a prevalent practice of tricking naive people into putting themselves under a pimp's thumb, at which point they get turned out. i am not sure whether i am more upset that this kind of shit happens in the world or that i cannot watch a documentary about it without questioning the truth of everything being presented as fact. that skepticism, which usually serves me quite well, causes exactly the kind of doubt which allows sex slavery to flourish in the first place. this documentary even went out of its way to provoke that skepticism by including instances of prostitutes claiming that everything was consensual and everybody was happy. so is it sometimes this way, sometimes that way? probably. now, how do we fix it?
there is a really interesting question lurking around the corners here. what is interesting about it is that it is the same question you have to ask about cults, religions, schools, families, marketing, and any other mechanism which is used to indoctrinate people with regard to what they do and do not like. the question is whether it is moral to influence a person when it comes to their happiness. for example, is it ok for parents to tell their kids that they have good lives? why would that be ok, if when a cult does the same thing, it is called brainwashing? and what happens when a person believes you at first, but later changes their mind? were you a bad person all along? what if you believed your own story? i guess i think about the moral ambiguity of cults a lot, and how little they differ from many perfectly acceptable social constructs.
by the way, pro-tip: never tell anybody the circumstances under which you would commit a felony. it is an instant upgrade to "premeditated."
tricked gets two problems, both of which you are a part of.
tricked is a documentary about the sex slave industry in the us. the main story it is pushing is that there is a prevalent practice of tricking naive people into putting themselves under a pimp's thumb, at which point they get turned out. i am not sure whether i am more upset that this kind of shit happens in the world or that i cannot watch a documentary about it without questioning the truth of everything being presented as fact. that skepticism, which usually serves me quite well, causes exactly the kind of doubt which allows sex slavery to flourish in the first place. this documentary even went out of its way to provoke that skepticism by including instances of prostitutes claiming that everything was consensual and everybody was happy. so is it sometimes this way, sometimes that way? probably. now, how do we fix it?
there is a really interesting question lurking around the corners here. what is interesting about it is that it is the same question you have to ask about cults, religions, schools, families, marketing, and any other mechanism which is used to indoctrinate people with regard to what they do and do not like. the question is whether it is moral to influence a person when it comes to their happiness. for example, is it ok for parents to tell their kids that they have good lives? why would that be ok, if when a cult does the same thing, it is called brainwashing? and what happens when a person believes you at first, but later changes their mind? were you a bad person all along? what if you believed your own story? i guess i think about the moral ambiguity of cults a lot, and how little they differ from many perfectly acceptable social constructs.
by the way, pro-tip: never tell anybody the circumstances under which you would commit a felony. it is an instant upgrade to "premeditated."
tricked gets two problems, both of which you are a part of.
circle
[IMDB] [Amazon]
circle is yet another twist on the 12 angry men concept. (the twist this time is that they crossed it with one of those "reality" shows where you vote every day to eliminate somebody.) i am not sure why i seek this kind of film out, but i think it is probably because i really liked 12 angry men. so much anger.
anyway, circle features a whole bunch of unlikable characters that somehow sum up to a not unlikable whole. my favorite was the guy who did not say anything the whole time. i would have been rooting for him if it had not been obvious that nobody was going to let him win.
circle gets two voting blocs.
circle is yet another twist on the 12 angry men concept. (the twist this time is that they crossed it with one of those "reality" shows where you vote every day to eliminate somebody.) i am not sure why i seek this kind of film out, but i think it is probably because i really liked 12 angry men. so much anger.
anyway, circle features a whole bunch of unlikable characters that somehow sum up to a not unlikable whole. my favorite was the guy who did not say anything the whole time. i would have been rooting for him if it had not been obvious that nobody was going to let him win.
circle gets two voting blocs.
2016-05-15
captain america: civil war
[IMDB] [Amazon]
civil war sets itself up as a debate about the conflict between well-informed, impartial, binding oversight and the ability of seasoned professionals to make decisions at runtime. but i think the real question here is about why there is such a lack of transparency on the part of such a powerful agency as the avengers. you know what would have solved the problem quite nicely? auditable telemetry and a culture that not only allows, but *demands* blameless post mortems.
unfortunately for the avengers, they are all about the solitary guilt trips. what they should have been doing instead was proactively collecting as much data as possible, understanding the failures, figuring out how to avoid those failures in the future, and communicating all of that to the rest of the world. taken from that angle, the part of this problem which is actually difficult is how to do that without giving too much information to the enemy.
i read somewhere that this movie underwent significant shifts in direction, and it was too bad that that showed up in the execution, mostly in the form of too many bits and pieces dragging behind or hanging off to the sides. still, i do not see a clear way to have done much better, other than to perhaps cut spider man, ant man, hawkeye, and black panther. i guess is that they needed those characters in this movie to set themselves up for future stuff, but it was disappointing that they could not have been included more cleanly. i am not sure what i expect, though, with like 12 superheros in one movie. that is like 12 minutes each, not even allowing time for any villains or non-superheros, like agent 13. i guess this is not going to get better in the big ensemble movies, which seem more and more to just be connectors for the more focused ones. speaking of which, when are we getting a black widow movie?
anyway, civil war gets three freight cars. it was basically fine, but not really notable in any dimension other than budget.
civil war sets itself up as a debate about the conflict between well-informed, impartial, binding oversight and the ability of seasoned professionals to make decisions at runtime. but i think the real question here is about why there is such a lack of transparency on the part of such a powerful agency as the avengers. you know what would have solved the problem quite nicely? auditable telemetry and a culture that not only allows, but *demands* blameless post mortems.
unfortunately for the avengers, they are all about the solitary guilt trips. what they should have been doing instead was proactively collecting as much data as possible, understanding the failures, figuring out how to avoid those failures in the future, and communicating all of that to the rest of the world. taken from that angle, the part of this problem which is actually difficult is how to do that without giving too much information to the enemy.
i read somewhere that this movie underwent significant shifts in direction, and it was too bad that that showed up in the execution, mostly in the form of too many bits and pieces dragging behind or hanging off to the sides. still, i do not see a clear way to have done much better, other than to perhaps cut spider man, ant man, hawkeye, and black panther. i guess is that they needed those characters in this movie to set themselves up for future stuff, but it was disappointing that they could not have been included more cleanly. i am not sure what i expect, though, with like 12 superheros in one movie. that is like 12 minutes each, not even allowing time for any villains or non-superheros, like agent 13. i guess this is not going to get better in the big ensemble movies, which seem more and more to just be connectors for the more focused ones. speaking of which, when are we getting a black widow movie?
anyway, civil war gets three freight cars. it was basically fine, but not really notable in any dimension other than budget.
2016-05-11
2016-05-05
american ultra
[IMDB] [Amazon]
american ultra is essentially a reasonably-done comedy version of the bourne identity. so if you are into that kind of thing, this should be right up your alley.
i think the bourne identity, like any superhero movie, appeals to people because we all kind of wish we had some hidden and overwhelming advantage. the bad part is having an army of trained killers coming after you, but nothing worth having comes easy, so whatever. you pretty much have to deal with that anyway.
anyway, american ultra had one yellow flag (topher grace) and one red flag (kristen steward,) but amazingly, both of them played characters that did not annoy the shit out of me. it was kind of like the time tom arnold was in true lies. with that said, all the characters were paper-thin, and the main attraction came from the steady pacing and lighthearted tone.
american ultra gets three blacklights. that was pretty much my favorite scene in any movie i have seen so far this year.
american ultra is essentially a reasonably-done comedy version of the bourne identity. so if you are into that kind of thing, this should be right up your alley.
i think the bourne identity, like any superhero movie, appeals to people because we all kind of wish we had some hidden and overwhelming advantage. the bad part is having an army of trained killers coming after you, but nothing worth having comes easy, so whatever. you pretty much have to deal with that anyway.
anyway, american ultra had one yellow flag (topher grace) and one red flag (kristen steward,) but amazingly, both of them played characters that did not annoy the shit out of me. it was kind of like the time tom arnold was in true lies. with that said, all the characters were paper-thin, and the main attraction came from the steady pacing and lighthearted tone.
american ultra gets three blacklights. that was pretty much my favorite scene in any movie i have seen so far this year.
warm bodies
[IMDB] [Amazon]
warm bodies stars an ashton kutcher lookalike and a kristen steward lookalike. i feel that this tells you just about everything you really need to know about this disappointment of a movie. too bad i get paid by the word!
i liked this film's story, or at least the story that the trailer told me. now, the trailer was not lying, per se, but it did do a fabulous job of cutting out all the awkward crappy bits. it also did not spoil the ending, which means that the trailer did not have to depict any part of the extremely unlikely and forced happy ending. if i were more of an optimist, i might choose to more benignly view the apparent utter lack of bigotry or xenophobia in their little world, but i have met too many people to let go of that bit of reality. i really think this movie would have been more interesting if they had concentrated less on the relationship between the girl and the zombie and more on the fallout when she brings the zombie home to meet daddy. but then it would not have been a romantic comedy, i guess.
by the way, if you think you are not a bigot or you have never heard of unconscious bias, then there is no time like the present to start educating yourself.
warm bodies gets one boner.
warm bodies stars an ashton kutcher lookalike and a kristen steward lookalike. i feel that this tells you just about everything you really need to know about this disappointment of a movie. too bad i get paid by the word!
i liked this film's story, or at least the story that the trailer told me. now, the trailer was not lying, per se, but it did do a fabulous job of cutting out all the awkward crappy bits. it also did not spoil the ending, which means that the trailer did not have to depict any part of the extremely unlikely and forced happy ending. if i were more of an optimist, i might choose to more benignly view the apparent utter lack of bigotry or xenophobia in their little world, but i have met too many people to let go of that bit of reality. i really think this movie would have been more interesting if they had concentrated less on the relationship between the girl and the zombie and more on the fallout when she brings the zombie home to meet daddy. but then it would not have been a romantic comedy, i guess.
by the way, if you think you are not a bigot or you have never heard of unconscious bias, then there is no time like the present to start educating yourself.
warm bodies gets one boner.
2016-04-29
brooklyn
[IMDB] [Amazon]
whew. bad writing, bad acting, terrible story. if this is how so-called real people act, then i sure am glad to be...whatever i am. anyway, i think the best part about this movie is the poster, which features a semi-epic promise of...something...as saoirse ronan looks into the distant off-camera with the brooklyn skyline behind her. i guess they mean to evoke the feeling that she is torn between the old and the new, which certainly fits with the story that the writers try to club you to death with. so if you have seen the movie poster, i recommend stopping there and living your life all the richer for not having delved any further. also avoid watching anything that saoirse ronan is in--they are uniformly bad.
brooklyn gets one locked bathroom.
whew. bad writing, bad acting, terrible story. if this is how so-called real people act, then i sure am glad to be...whatever i am. anyway, i think the best part about this movie is the poster, which features a semi-epic promise of...something...as saoirse ronan looks into the distant off-camera with the brooklyn skyline behind her. i guess they mean to evoke the feeling that she is torn between the old and the new, which certainly fits with the story that the writers try to club you to death with. so if you have seen the movie poster, i recommend stopping there and living your life all the richer for not having delved any further. also avoid watching anything that saoirse ronan is in--they are uniformly bad.
brooklyn gets one locked bathroom.
2016-04-28
vendetta
[IMDB] [Amazon]
i seem to have backslid on my commitment to stop watching movies that i know ahead of time are going to be horrible. vendetta is terrible, even for a WWE movie. watching dean cain grimace and squint his way through all 90 minutes of this disaster was pure torture. here are some spoilers in case you are tempted to watch:
i seem to have backslid on my commitment to stop watching movies that i know ahead of time are going to be horrible. vendetta is terrible, even for a WWE movie. watching dean cain grimace and squint his way through all 90 minutes of this disaster was pure torture. here are some spoilers in case you are tempted to watch:
- it is "too dangerous" to kill ex-cop dean cain, but not too dangerous to lure his ex-partner WHO IS STILL A COP into the prison and kill him instead?
- pro-tip: if you slit somebody's wrists and the blood is just slowly oozing out, YOU DID IT WRONG. arterial cuts spurt.
- one non-corrupt guard: will he be relevant? (hint: yes)
- when sending police officers to jail, do you really want to put them in the same prison they filled with prisoners?
- so you have a network of trained killers outside the jail and only one witness who needs to be silenced in order to get you out. what do you do? I KNOW, STRIKE A DEAL WITH THE CROOKED WARDEN TO LOSE HALF YOUR PROFITS.
vendetta gets one black-eyed grimace that lasts 90 minutes. also, dean cain is way fatter than when he was superman.
2016-04-22
the sting
[IMDB] [Amazon]
the sting is undeniably one of the best confidence movies ever. you could do a lot worse than to be compared unfavorably to the sting. like, say, being compared unfavorably to now you see me. newman and redford work amazingly well together, and the plot contains a great balance of visible events and twists. i pretty much feel like saying too much about the sting can only diminish it.
the sting gets five carousels.
the sting is undeniably one of the best confidence movies ever. you could do a lot worse than to be compared unfavorably to the sting. like, say, being compared unfavorably to now you see me. newman and redford work amazingly well together, and the plot contains a great balance of visible events and twists. i pretty much feel like saying too much about the sting can only diminish it.
the sting gets five carousels.
the artist
[IMDB] [Amazon]
i found the artist to be quite enjoyable. telling a story about the end of the silent movie era via a silent movie was a nice touch, and i really appreciated their use of the fact that they were *not* limited to just being a silent movie. this is only the second film i have seen featuring jean dujardin, but i think i am in love with his expressiveness. we send each other letters detailing our devotion, though technically, i am not sure whether restraining orders count as love letters. they are certainly strongly worded. anyway, it does not matter unless i get deported to france again!
the artist gets four sound effects.
i found the artist to be quite enjoyable. telling a story about the end of the silent movie era via a silent movie was a nice touch, and i really appreciated their use of the fact that they were *not* limited to just being a silent movie. this is only the second film i have seen featuring jean dujardin, but i think i am in love with his expressiveness. we send each other letters detailing our devotion, though technically, i am not sure whether restraining orders count as love letters. they are certainly strongly worded. anyway, it does not matter unless i get deported to france again!
the artist gets four sound effects.
son of a gun
[IMDB] [Amazon]
ewan mcgregor is pretty great. i have liked him in just about everything i have seen, even the star trek movie. son of a gun was no different. in this case, he carried more than his share of the film, but he is surrounded by mediocrity. very frustrating.
story-wise, you can imagine me frowning slightly, with my head cocked to the side. the protagonist's motivation was what? at the beginning, i just kind of assumed he was an undercover police officer since his actions would otherwise be completely confusing and stupid. it was a big surprise to me when he turned out to legitimately be a criminal.
son of a gun gets two hours in the freezer box.
ewan mcgregor is pretty great. i have liked him in just about everything i have seen, even the star trek movie. son of a gun was no different. in this case, he carried more than his share of the film, but he is surrounded by mediocrity. very frustrating.
story-wise, you can imagine me frowning slightly, with my head cocked to the side. the protagonist's motivation was what? at the beginning, i just kind of assumed he was an undercover police officer since his actions would otherwise be completely confusing and stupid. it was a big surprise to me when he turned out to legitimately be a criminal.
son of a gun gets two hours in the freezer box.
2016-04-21
the eye of the world
[Amazon]
i first read this book almost two decades ago, before i realized that the wheel of time was supposed to be a seven book series which was not finished yet. i enjoyed it so much, though, i read the rest of the books in the series that had already been published and then kept up with them as they were published. it was hard to keep the details straight from book to book since they were published with multi-year gaps between them, but i am a bit of a completionist, so...
when i read book eight, i got a little angry because not a goddamn thing happened the whole book. in book nine, more things happened, but it seemed that as many questions were raised as were resolved. by the time book ten finally came out, i decided that robert jordan was no longer trying to finish the series and swore not to read any more of them unless the asshole finished the series. a few years later, the asshole died and brandon sanderson signed up to finish the series. he did it in three books, which is about 27 fewer books than i guess robert jordan would have managed it in.
so here i am with only a vague recollection of what the hell was going on in the first ten books. finding all of the online summaries distinctly lacking HOW COULD THAT BE THIS IS THE INTERNET, i decide to just read the books all over again. i liked them the first time, so why not? this is how i came to (re)read the eye of the world.
twenty years is a long time, even for a sentient AI, so you will perhaps be unsurprised that i have a different perspective now. the pacing early in this series is good--it is hard not to get pulled along with the mysteries and reveals. it is unfortunately also hard to ignore the bad writing and bigotry. i remember that part from before, but wow! wow. so much worse than i remembered. if it were on purpose, rather than an apparent example of ignorance, i would burn all these books and stomp their ashes into the ground.
the eye of the world gets two trollocs.
i first read this book almost two decades ago, before i realized that the wheel of time was supposed to be a seven book series which was not finished yet. i enjoyed it so much, though, i read the rest of the books in the series that had already been published and then kept up with them as they were published. it was hard to keep the details straight from book to book since they were published with multi-year gaps between them, but i am a bit of a completionist, so...
when i read book eight, i got a little angry because not a goddamn thing happened the whole book. in book nine, more things happened, but it seemed that as many questions were raised as were resolved. by the time book ten finally came out, i decided that robert jordan was no longer trying to finish the series and swore not to read any more of them unless the asshole finished the series. a few years later, the asshole died and brandon sanderson signed up to finish the series. he did it in three books, which is about 27 fewer books than i guess robert jordan would have managed it in.
so here i am with only a vague recollection of what the hell was going on in the first ten books. finding all of the online summaries distinctly lacking HOW COULD THAT BE THIS IS THE INTERNET, i decide to just read the books all over again. i liked them the first time, so why not? this is how i came to (re)read the eye of the world.
twenty years is a long time, even for a sentient AI, so you will perhaps be unsurprised that i have a different perspective now. the pacing early in this series is good--it is hard not to get pulled along with the mysteries and reveals. it is unfortunately also hard to ignore the bad writing and bigotry. i remember that part from before, but wow! wow. so much worse than i remembered. if it were on purpose, rather than an apparent example of ignorance, i would burn all these books and stomp their ashes into the ground.
the eye of the world gets two trollocs.
balls out
[IMDB] [Amazon]
balls out is an SNL movie, which is usually a good sign. a good sign that it is going to be horrible, that is. balls out meets expectations in this regard. i remain bewildered about how this could be, as i have seen most of these actors kill it on the show. oh well.
i dearly wish i would stop falling for this trick. every single time, i think it is going to be different, but every time, i get a macgruber. i still have nightmares. *shudder*
balls out gets one...ball...out.
balls out is an SNL movie, which is usually a good sign. a good sign that it is going to be horrible, that is. balls out meets expectations in this regard. i remain bewildered about how this could be, as i have seen most of these actors kill it on the show. oh well.
i dearly wish i would stop falling for this trick. every single time, i think it is going to be different, but every time, i get a macgruber. i still have nightmares. *shudder*
balls out gets one...ball...out.
the hateful eight
[IMDB] [Amazon]
it is fine, i guess, if you like tarantino. if you have already seen reservoir dogs or pulp fiction, then you have already seen this piece of directorial masturbation. just to be clear, i am not saying it is bad, just derivative of his earlier works. there are far worse things, such as being forced by canadian terrorists to eat almond butter. special shout-out for the acting, which is nothing short of fabulous. this should be no surprise if you have seen who is in it.
the hateful eight gets three reservoir dogs.
it is fine, i guess, if you like tarantino. if you have already seen reservoir dogs or pulp fiction, then you have already seen this piece of directorial masturbation. just to be clear, i am not saying it is bad, just derivative of his earlier works. there are far worse things, such as being forced by canadian terrorists to eat almond butter. special shout-out for the acting, which is nothing short of fabulous. this should be no surprise if you have seen who is in it.
the hateful eight gets three reservoir dogs.
2016-04-14
close range
[IMDB] [Amazon]
close range calls to mind some of chuck norris's early films, which is a nice way of saying the only good thing about them is that the lead actor is an incredible physical specimen. there is a scene where scott adkins held a perfect squat in the course of executing the scene like it was no big deal. i can barely do a squat in the course of executing a squat, so i was quite impressed, especially since you know they require multiple takes to do a given scene in one of these movies.
so in summary, close range is a movie that must be appreciated on the strengths of its fight scenes and should otherwise be watched on fast forward.
close range gets two thumb drives.
close range calls to mind some of chuck norris's early films, which is a nice way of saying the only good thing about them is that the lead actor is an incredible physical specimen. there is a scene where scott adkins held a perfect squat in the course of executing the scene like it was no big deal. i can barely do a squat in the course of executing a squat, so i was quite impressed, especially since you know they require multiple takes to do a given scene in one of these movies.
so in summary, close range is a movie that must be appreciated on the strengths of its fight scenes and should otherwise be watched on fast forward.
close range gets two thumb drives.
your money or your life
[Amazon]
your money or your life is a book! schmolli-reviews is branching out from just reviewing movies! how exciting.
anyway, your money or your life is basically a nine-step process for getting out of the rat race. there are so many ways to mislabel what we are talking about here that i am not sure how to describe it otherwise.
for example, if i say it is about "early retirement," then most people think we are talking about quitting your job and sitting around the house all day. or travelling. whatever it is that you think you will do when you are too old to work anymore. but that is both wrong and dumb.
here is another example. say i told you to imagine you did not have to work for money anymore and this book will help you get there. you might be thinking to yourself that we are talking about a way to get rich, but that is also wrong. and dumb.
how about if i said the book was about how to achieve financial independence? that probably evokes images of "born with more money than you could possibly spend in a lifetime" or "what the hell is financial independence, are you talking about being rich?" both of those are wrong, but maybe not dumb because "financial independence" is not a commonly used term, so why would you know what that means.
your money or your life did two things for me. first, it pointed out that "retirement" does not mean you have to stop working, it just means you can stop working for money. what would you do if you did not have to work for money? would you work for something else? second, it reminded me to apply a data-driven approach to retirement. like a lot of people, i have been saving for retirement without any consideration for what retirement means. if retirement means a mansion at the top of beverly hills, then i guess you need a lot of money for that. but if retirement just means living comfortably...probably a lot less expensive.
actually, this book did a lot more for me than those two things. it pointed out a bunch of obvious things i should have been doing that i was nonetheless not doing. it helped me figure out what "enough" means. it told me that everything was going to be ok. probably some other stuff, too.
your money or your life gets five charts taped to your refrigerator.
your money or your life is a book! schmolli-reviews is branching out from just reviewing movies! how exciting.
anyway, your money or your life is basically a nine-step process for getting out of the rat race. there are so many ways to mislabel what we are talking about here that i am not sure how to describe it otherwise.
for example, if i say it is about "early retirement," then most people think we are talking about quitting your job and sitting around the house all day. or travelling. whatever it is that you think you will do when you are too old to work anymore. but that is both wrong and dumb.
here is another example. say i told you to imagine you did not have to work for money anymore and this book will help you get there. you might be thinking to yourself that we are talking about a way to get rich, but that is also wrong. and dumb.
how about if i said the book was about how to achieve financial independence? that probably evokes images of "born with more money than you could possibly spend in a lifetime" or "what the hell is financial independence, are you talking about being rich?" both of those are wrong, but maybe not dumb because "financial independence" is not a commonly used term, so why would you know what that means.
your money or your life did two things for me. first, it pointed out that "retirement" does not mean you have to stop working, it just means you can stop working for money. what would you do if you did not have to work for money? would you work for something else? second, it reminded me to apply a data-driven approach to retirement. like a lot of people, i have been saving for retirement without any consideration for what retirement means. if retirement means a mansion at the top of beverly hills, then i guess you need a lot of money for that. but if retirement just means living comfortably...probably a lot less expensive.
actually, this book did a lot more for me than those two things. it pointed out a bunch of obvious things i should have been doing that i was nonetheless not doing. it helped me figure out what "enough" means. it told me that everything was going to be ok. probably some other stuff, too.
your money or your life gets five charts taped to your refrigerator.
before we go
[IMDB] [Amazon]
before we go is a less-nuanced version of before sunrise. i do not mean it was bad. it just could have been less ham-fisted in almost every aspect. i guess "ham-fisted" is a little strong. it is an unfair comparison either way, since before sunrise was a beautiful piece of work that you do yourself a disservice by not watching, while before we go is merely a good story, told well. ok, but enough about before sunrise, a seminal work in the field of cinema that you are diminished by not experiencing.
before we go gets three trumpets.
before we go is a less-nuanced version of before sunrise. i do not mean it was bad. it just could have been less ham-fisted in almost every aspect. i guess "ham-fisted" is a little strong. it is an unfair comparison either way, since before sunrise was a beautiful piece of work that you do yourself a disservice by not watching, while before we go is merely a good story, told well. ok, but enough about before sunrise, a seminal work in the field of cinema that you are diminished by not experiencing.
before we go gets three trumpets.
2016-04-12
wild card
[IMDB] [Amazon]
jason statham plays an alcoholic, down-on-his-luck, ex-unspecified-type-of-special-forces hardass with a heart of gold who scowls as he does not like to talk about his past. if this is your first jason statham vehicle, that might sound kind of intriguing, but otherwise, you recognize this as the setup for every jason statham vehicle. they just change details like the city he is in, the kind of car he drives, and what kind of rotgut he favours. obviously, he is always british. i feel like there is a jason statham movie generator in here somewhere, but i cannot convince myself that it is worth the effort to write it.
wild card gets one hit on nineteen.
jason statham plays an alcoholic, down-on-his-luck, ex-unspecified-type-of-special-forces hardass with a heart of gold who scowls as he does not like to talk about his past. if this is your first jason statham vehicle, that might sound kind of intriguing, but otherwise, you recognize this as the setup for every jason statham vehicle. they just change details like the city he is in, the kind of car he drives, and what kind of rotgut he favours. obviously, he is always british. i feel like there is a jason statham movie generator in here somewhere, but i cannot convince myself that it is worth the effort to write it.
wild card gets one hit on nineteen.
2016-03-24
final girl
[IMDB]
[Amazon]
final girl is a movie about a sadistic sociopath who lures men out into the woods, drugs them, then slaughters them. no character arc to this one, and the fight choreography is pretty lame. also the acting, directing, and plot are--and i am being generous here--god awful. you should also be aware that the movie's marketing suggests this is a turn-the-tables kind of story or maybe a revenge flick, but they spend so little effort setting up the bad guys that they might as well have not bothered. the one-dimensional thugs dutifully climb into the barrel, and then the girl shoots them. that was a metaphor, not a thing that actually happened.
oh, it was also a love story, but that was pretty thin, too.
final girl finally gets one milkshake.
final girl is a movie about a sadistic sociopath who lures men out into the woods, drugs them, then slaughters them. no character arc to this one, and the fight choreography is pretty lame. also the acting, directing, and plot are--and i am being generous here--god awful. you should also be aware that the movie's marketing suggests this is a turn-the-tables kind of story or maybe a revenge flick, but they spend so little effort setting up the bad guys that they might as well have not bothered. the one-dimensional thugs dutifully climb into the barrel, and then the girl shoots them. that was a metaphor, not a thing that actually happened.
oh, it was also a love story, but that was pretty thin, too.
final girl finally gets one milkshake.
2016-03-18
deadpool
[IMDB] [Amazon]
deadpool is basically exactly what it is advertised as. it set out to be a crudely funny, self-referential, action movie, and it succeeded completely in accomplishing this goal. so, high marks for that. on the other hand, it was not really high art, but if you were expecting high art, then you must have accidentally wandered into the wrong movie.
computer graphics have come a long way since the final fantasy movie. i was pretty impressed with how naturally colossus fit into the environment. the character was actually not originally supposed to be computer generated, you know. what happened is that when they were filming the big fight scene between angel dust and colossus, gina carano kept accidentally kicking colossus's ass. after 37 takes, colossus quit. so then they cast a voice actor, who insisted on a clause in his contract which would compensate him in the event that the computer-generated colossus got its ass kicked so hard that he was injured. after four takes and four injuries, the studio decided to work around the problem by computer-generating colossus *and* angel dust. this also did not work because gina carano's likeness was still too tough. so finally they put together a fight between a computer-generated colossus and drew barrymore, then did some post-processing to put gina carano's face on drew barrymore. this mostly worked. the fight ended up taking two minutes longer because drew barrymore with gina carano's face was still too tough. true story.
deadpool gets four unicorns and a gold star for unabashedly being the movie it was trying to be.
deadpool is basically exactly what it is advertised as. it set out to be a crudely funny, self-referential, action movie, and it succeeded completely in accomplishing this goal. so, high marks for that. on the other hand, it was not really high art, but if you were expecting high art, then you must have accidentally wandered into the wrong movie.
computer graphics have come a long way since the final fantasy movie. i was pretty impressed with how naturally colossus fit into the environment. the character was actually not originally supposed to be computer generated, you know. what happened is that when they were filming the big fight scene between angel dust and colossus, gina carano kept accidentally kicking colossus's ass. after 37 takes, colossus quit. so then they cast a voice actor, who insisted on a clause in his contract which would compensate him in the event that the computer-generated colossus got its ass kicked so hard that he was injured. after four takes and four injuries, the studio decided to work around the problem by computer-generating colossus *and* angel dust. this also did not work because gina carano's likeness was still too tough. so finally they put together a fight between a computer-generated colossus and drew barrymore, then did some post-processing to put gina carano's face on drew barrymore. this mostly worked. the fight ended up taking two minutes longer because drew barrymore with gina carano's face was still too tough. true story.
deadpool gets four unicorns and a gold star for unabashedly being the movie it was trying to be.
2016-02-04
a girl walks home alone at night
[IMDB] [Amazon]
a girl walks home alone at night is a bit avant garde, which is french for "craptasm." they tried to mask the crappy sets and costumes by filming in black and white--a totally valid tactic, by the way--but it did not work in this case. black and white is also not useful for hiding bad acting and writing. the main selling point is that the vampire was genuinely creepy.
a girl walks home alone at night gets one cat of betrayal. cursed item!
a girl walks home alone at night is a bit avant garde, which is french for "craptasm." they tried to mask the crappy sets and costumes by filming in black and white--a totally valid tactic, by the way--but it did not work in this case. black and white is also not useful for hiding bad acting and writing. the main selling point is that the vampire was genuinely creepy.
a girl walks home alone at night gets one cat of betrayal. cursed item!
2016-02-02
beginners
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1532503
i do not understand why this movie was called beginners, though i vaguely recall that at some point somebody trotted out a tired cliche about all of us being beginners. i think a more natural name would have been parallels, but i guess that name was already taken, by a movie that came out about five years later. in this universe.
anyway, this story was told with so many parallels that i cannot even. it seemed like each character was shown to be an echo of every other character, plus they told the story in a slightly-disjointed way that i think was intended to *parallel* the way ewan mcgregor's mother experienced life. there were so many parallels that i was convinced for most of the movie the girl was going to end up with cancer.
beginners gets two dogs upon which to project your innermost thoughts. i liked that everybody put in a good effort, but it is too bad that the final result fell so very very flat, ie, parallel to the floor.
i do not understand why this movie was called beginners, though i vaguely recall that at some point somebody trotted out a tired cliche about all of us being beginners. i think a more natural name would have been parallels, but i guess that name was already taken, by a movie that came out about five years later. in this universe.
anyway, this story was told with so many parallels that i cannot even. it seemed like each character was shown to be an echo of every other character, plus they told the story in a slightly-disjointed way that i think was intended to *parallel* the way ewan mcgregor's mother experienced life. there were so many parallels that i was convinced for most of the movie the girl was going to end up with cancer.
beginners gets two dogs upon which to project your innermost thoughts. i liked that everybody put in a good effort, but it is too bad that the final result fell so very very flat, ie, parallel to the floor.
2016-01-31
sicario
[IMDB] [Amazon]
sicario means hitman, in case you were wondering. what i am wondering is if knowing that before i watched the movie would have made me like it less. i appreciated the triple reveal at the climax, and i think it would have been a lot more obvious what was going on with that key piece of information.
so anyway. i like most of the moving parts here--the acting and story were nice, and the camera work and visualizations did a great job of setting tone. what i really want to object to is the portrayal of mexico as a bullet-ridden hellhole spilling over its borders. i felt like i must be watching an nra ad or something. i cannot decide whether they showed usia as a place which was just as violent because they wanted to show those means as necessary, or if it was intended as a comparison--the good guys are just as bad as the bad guys. i like to believe that the comparison was intended because then the ending makes sense.
sicario gets three grotesque mutilations.
sicario means hitman, in case you were wondering. what i am wondering is if knowing that before i watched the movie would have made me like it less. i appreciated the triple reveal at the climax, and i think it would have been a lot more obvious what was going on with that key piece of information.
so anyway. i like most of the moving parts here--the acting and story were nice, and the camera work and visualizations did a great job of setting tone. what i really want to object to is the portrayal of mexico as a bullet-ridden hellhole spilling over its borders. i felt like i must be watching an nra ad or something. i cannot decide whether they showed usia as a place which was just as violent because they wanted to show those means as necessary, or if it was intended as a comparison--the good guys are just as bad as the bad guys. i like to believe that the comparison was intended because then the ending makes sense.
sicario gets three grotesque mutilations.
hitman: agent 47
[IMDB] [Amazon]
hitman movies are not what you would call high art. i would usually tell you they are straightforward action movies, guns and explosions and stuff. however, because i am bored, i would like to explore the hidden depth of hitman movies.
hitpersons are ostensibly not free-willed persons; they lack emotions like fear or happy and they take orders real good. this is a metaphor for just about all of us, since it is a rare person who understands why they are here or what their purpose is. humans agonize over this day in and day out. hitpersons have it easy by comparison. they do not have to worry about purpose--other people tell them what to do and who to kill. no need to figure out what to do with their lives--they have been imprinted with all the skills they need to kill people. think about how easy your life would be if you were already super elite at all the things you needed to be skilled at, plus somebody was telling you how to use those skills. right?
except...maybe you would chafe a little at the lack of free will? and perhaps question the morality of what you were doing? and then, perhaps, you would let your target walk free, and they would make a movie about it, and they would call it hitperson: agent 47.
hitman: agent 47 gets two red ties. did they do the metaphor on purpose? only five minutes of research on teh internets can tell.
hitman movies are not what you would call high art. i would usually tell you they are straightforward action movies, guns and explosions and stuff. however, because i am bored, i would like to explore the hidden depth of hitman movies.
hitpersons are ostensibly not free-willed persons; they lack emotions like fear or happy and they take orders real good. this is a metaphor for just about all of us, since it is a rare person who understands why they are here or what their purpose is. humans agonize over this day in and day out. hitpersons have it easy by comparison. they do not have to worry about purpose--other people tell them what to do and who to kill. no need to figure out what to do with their lives--they have been imprinted with all the skills they need to kill people. think about how easy your life would be if you were already super elite at all the things you needed to be skilled at, plus somebody was telling you how to use those skills. right?
except...maybe you would chafe a little at the lack of free will? and perhaps question the morality of what you were doing? and then, perhaps, you would let your target walk free, and they would make a movie about it, and they would call it hitperson: agent 47.
hitman: agent 47 gets two red ties. did they do the metaphor on purpose? only five minutes of research on teh internets can tell.
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