http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1470023/
macgruber is a strong candidate for worst movie i have ever seen. i generally try to block out any memory of bad movies, so i am hard-pressed to think of its contemporaries. this film was so bad, my wife left me for my dog. you might better appreciate the badness if you also understand that i have neither a wife nor a dog. the movie was *so* bad, a wife and dog were *invented* just so the one could leave me for the other.
2010-12-26
vampires suck
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1666186/
vampires suck is a strong candidate for worst movie i have ever seen. i generally try to block out any memory of bad movies, so i am hard-pressed to think of its contemporaries. watching this film was sort of like when you are cleaning your bedroom and you discover that the cat has shit under the bed, except instead of it being cat shit under the bed, it is cancer.
vampires suck is a strong candidate for worst movie i have ever seen. i generally try to block out any memory of bad movies, so i am hard-pressed to think of its contemporaries. watching this film was sort of like when you are cleaning your bedroom and you discover that the cat has shit under the bed, except instead of it being cat shit under the bed, it is cancer.
meet the spartans
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1073498/
meet the spartans is a strong candidate for worst movie i have ever seen. i generally try to block out any memory of bad movies, so i am hard-pressed to think of its contemporaries. this film was so bad, it temporarily rendered me impotent, probably because watching it makes a person realize that there is no hope for humanity, none.
meet the spartans is a strong candidate for worst movie i have ever seen. i generally try to block out any memory of bad movies, so i am hard-pressed to think of its contemporaries. this film was so bad, it temporarily rendered me impotent, probably because watching it makes a person realize that there is no hope for humanity, none.
2010-12-24
easy a
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1282140/
easy a was surprisingly good, perhaps because of my extremely low expectations. most of the characters, including the protagonist, were unidimensional and completely lacking in meaningful character development, but that consistency, combined with the utter preposterousness of the plot, made it all work.
one thing that really surprised me was that lindsay lohan made a movie that i liked. however, as i discovered just a minute ago, i have once again confused emma stone with lindsay lohan. so that, at least, makes sense.
easy a was surprisingly good, perhaps because of my extremely low expectations. most of the characters, including the protagonist, were unidimensional and completely lacking in meaningful character development, but that consistency, combined with the utter preposterousness of the plot, made it all work.
one thing that really surprised me was that lindsay lohan made a movie that i liked. however, as i discovered just a minute ago, i have once again confused emma stone with lindsay lohan. so that, at least, makes sense.
2010-11-25
red
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1245526/
the word "romp" applies here. at no point did anyone wink at the camera, (except maybe accidentally,) but there was a lot of implicit winking. some people will have you believe that there is something wrong with winking, but it is not so. winking is perfectly natural and provides an excellent vehicle for demonstrating your fine facial motor controls to MOTAS.
anywho. the one thing i regretted about this film was watching the previews. they pretty much revealed all of the neat character things, like the little old lady being a total badass. i mean, they were all badasses, right, but you would expect the little old lady to be the badass communications expert or computer hacker, not the heavy weapons handler. spoilers notwithstanding, it was still enjoyable.
i rate this one four aged super agents.
the word "romp" applies here. at no point did anyone wink at the camera, (except maybe accidentally,) but there was a lot of implicit winking. some people will have you believe that there is something wrong with winking, but it is not so. winking is perfectly natural and provides an excellent vehicle for demonstrating your fine facial motor controls to MOTAS.
anywho. the one thing i regretted about this film was watching the previews. they pretty much revealed all of the neat character things, like the little old lady being a total badass. i mean, they were all badasses, right, but you would expect the little old lady to be the badass communications expert or computer hacker, not the heavy weapons handler. spoilers notwithstanding, it was still enjoyable.
i rate this one four aged super agents.
the town
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0840361/
i did not want to go see this film. however, people kept telling me that it was really good, and then it showed up in a budget theater at a time when i was bored and looking for a movie to go to. this is how i eventually went to see the town.
the town was essentially a remake of heat. if imdb can be believed, there are no connections between the stories, but nonetheless, the plot points are just about identical. the main difference was the accents, and that is, technically, not a plot point. perhaps it should be.
anyway, i am not claiming that heat and the town are in the same class, just that they are telling the same story. heat was way better, but both were definitely above average. if you were kidnapped by terrorists who were holed up in a seedy safehouse watching movies, and they demanded that you choose between heat and the town, pick heat. unless they are speaking with strong bostonian accents, in which case you should pick the town. the difference is not worth getting exploded over.
i did not want to go see this film. however, people kept telling me that it was really good, and then it showed up in a budget theater at a time when i was bored and looking for a movie to go to. this is how i eventually went to see the town.
the town was essentially a remake of heat. if imdb can be believed, there are no connections between the stories, but nonetheless, the plot points are just about identical. the main difference was the accents, and that is, technically, not a plot point. perhaps it should be.
anyway, i am not claiming that heat and the town are in the same class, just that they are telling the same story. heat was way better, but both were definitely above average. if you were kidnapped by terrorists who were holed up in a seedy safehouse watching movies, and they demanded that you choose between heat and the town, pick heat. unless they are speaking with strong bostonian accents, in which case you should pick the town. the difference is not worth getting exploded over.
2010-11-07
zatoichi: the festival of fire
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0164982/
i think this is the third or fourth zatoichi movie i have seen, and i believe i can say at this point that i am pretty much done with the series. the idea of the blind swordsman is kind of a neat one, but it is not enough to sustain interest for more than two or three full-length movies. in festival of fire, they did seem to be trying to give zatoichi some additional dimensions, but ultimately, it always comes down to the mysterious anma swording down heaps of bad guys before emitting a moral lesson. and he always wins at cho-han. i am less clear on the moral lesson there, unless the moral lesson is that it is ok to cheat so long as you do not get caught or are in a position to sword everybody down in the event that you do get caught.
in conclusion, i can recommend watching one or two zatoichi movies, but no more than that, unless you have resilience to tedium. you could also check out the rutger hauer movie "blind fury" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096945/) which is more or less a usian zatoichi.
i think this is the third or fourth zatoichi movie i have seen, and i believe i can say at this point that i am pretty much done with the series. the idea of the blind swordsman is kind of a neat one, but it is not enough to sustain interest for more than two or three full-length movies. in festival of fire, they did seem to be trying to give zatoichi some additional dimensions, but ultimately, it always comes down to the mysterious anma swording down heaps of bad guys before emitting a moral lesson. and he always wins at cho-han. i am less clear on the moral lesson there, unless the moral lesson is that it is ok to cheat so long as you do not get caught or are in a position to sword everybody down in the event that you do get caught.
in conclusion, i can recommend watching one or two zatoichi movies, but no more than that, unless you have resilience to tedium. you could also check out the rutger hauer movie "blind fury" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096945/) which is more or less a usian zatoichi.
2010-09-04
the expendables
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320253/
on the one hand, i want to make disparaging comments about the plot, dialog, and acting, but on the other hand, i have to acknowledge that none of those things should be considered relevant in an action movie.
the expendables set out to be the most epic action movie ever, and it more or less succeeded. you should feel free to argue about the specifics with your movie-nerd friends, though. the sheer number of headliners was staggering, but the resultant effect was pretty neat. usually in an action movie, the protagonist displays his particular brand of bad-assedness, and it gives the movie a certain feel. in *this* action movie, the protagonists all brought their own particular brands of bad-assedness, and it was like some kind of bad-ass potpourri.
on the negative side: it should not have been necessary to have a gun that explodulates the upper body of the person it shoots. thanks to the exploding body content in the expendables, i had to sit through previews for "similar" movies featuring torture-porn and exorcisms. not cool.
on the one hand, i want to make disparaging comments about the plot, dialog, and acting, but on the other hand, i have to acknowledge that none of those things should be considered relevant in an action movie.
the expendables set out to be the most epic action movie ever, and it more or less succeeded. you should feel free to argue about the specifics with your movie-nerd friends, though. the sheer number of headliners was staggering, but the resultant effect was pretty neat. usually in an action movie, the protagonist displays his particular brand of bad-assedness, and it gives the movie a certain feel. in *this* action movie, the protagonists all brought their own particular brands of bad-assedness, and it was like some kind of bad-ass potpourri.
on the negative side: it should not have been necessary to have a gun that explodulates the upper body of the person it shoots. thanks to the exploding body content in the expendables, i had to sit through previews for "similar" movies featuring torture-porn and exorcisms. not cool.
2010-08-25
2010-08-24
open your eyes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0125659/
i sure wish that there had been some sign earlier in the movie that something besides a murder case was going on. that part was not revealed until like 80% of the way through, by which point i had lost interest and fast forwarded through a lot of the details.
i think i heard that vanilla sky was based on this movie. if that is the case, then i can suddenly understand why people kept recommending vanilla sky while only describing it as a movie about a good-looking guy who gets disfigured. what are they going to do, give away the twist? giving away that there is a twist almost gives away the twist.
so anyway, i can understand the problem, but i disapprove of every member in the set of all possible solutions. it is like designing your own proprietary encryption scheme and then depending on secrecy to prevent it from being broken. mmm hmm. word.
i sure wish that there had been some sign earlier in the movie that something besides a murder case was going on. that part was not revealed until like 80% of the way through, by which point i had lost interest and fast forwarded through a lot of the details.
i think i heard that vanilla sky was based on this movie. if that is the case, then i can suddenly understand why people kept recommending vanilla sky while only describing it as a movie about a good-looking guy who gets disfigured. what are they going to do, give away the twist? giving away that there is a twist almost gives away the twist.
so anyway, i can understand the problem, but i disapprove of every member in the set of all possible solutions. it is like designing your own proprietary encryption scheme and then depending on secrecy to prevent it from being broken. mmm hmm. word.
scott pilgrim vs the world
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0446029/
scott pilgrim does for video games what sin city did for comic books. it was extremely cool from the perspective of seeing how they translated video game concepts like leveling up (character development) and progressively tougher bosses (that one was easy, they just got progressively tougher) into a movie. i think they did a great job of doing those translations, but i hasten to add that that does not mean i approve of doing them. the overall effect was entertaining since it is the first time i am seeing it, but it would become grating in a hurry.
i also learned a new word from this movie. "hasbien." you figure it out.
scott pilgrim does for video games what sin city did for comic books. it was extremely cool from the perspective of seeing how they translated video game concepts like leveling up (character development) and progressively tougher bosses (that one was easy, they just got progressively tougher) into a movie. i think they did a great job of doing those translations, but i hasten to add that that does not mean i approve of doing them. the overall effect was entertaining since it is the first time i am seeing it, but it would become grating in a hurry.
i also learned a new word from this movie. "hasbien." you figure it out.
2010-07-24
despicable me
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1323594/
i laughed a few times and of course found the bobble-headed girl absolutely adorable. i am a huge unicorn fan myself, so there was another plus. steve carell was completely unrecognizable as steve carell, for yet another plus. i found the little yellow engineer minion things to be very sympathetic characters, plus one. there were really a lot of pluses here.
all those pluses add up to something, i am sure, but it is something empty and meaningless. you do not need to watch the movie to guess the plot. all of the characters, including the protagonist who goes through the requisite character development, are unidimensional. the humorous bits were delivered with a sort of monotonous regularity. i really need to start avoiding movies that are made for kids. i cannot even get the pleasure of writing a scathing review about them. what, am i going to complain that the movie caters to its audience?
maybe.
the punishment meted out to the villain was shockingly cruel. he was not much of a villain since it was clear that he was really just trying to impress his father. not very much different from the protagonist's attempts to impress his mother. and for his crime of seeking parental approval? sentenced to a slow death by asphyxiation on the moon. pretty gruesome for a kids' movie. get it? "gru"esome? i kill me.
also? you cannot just put the moon up in the sky and call it a day. the moon stays up in the sky because it is *in orbit* around the earth. if you rocket it up into the sky, then shut off the rocket, it will fall back down and kill us all. everybody knows this, even little kids who failed their fingerpainting class. in fact, some kids understand that even *with* the orbit properly set up, the moon might still fall down and kill us all, then feast upon our flesh.
sleep tight, kiddies. with one eye open.
i laughed a few times and of course found the bobble-headed girl absolutely adorable. i am a huge unicorn fan myself, so there was another plus. steve carell was completely unrecognizable as steve carell, for yet another plus. i found the little yellow engineer minion things to be very sympathetic characters, plus one. there were really a lot of pluses here.
all those pluses add up to something, i am sure, but it is something empty and meaningless. you do not need to watch the movie to guess the plot. all of the characters, including the protagonist who goes through the requisite character development, are unidimensional. the humorous bits were delivered with a sort of monotonous regularity. i really need to start avoiding movies that are made for kids. i cannot even get the pleasure of writing a scathing review about them. what, am i going to complain that the movie caters to its audience?
maybe.
the punishment meted out to the villain was shockingly cruel. he was not much of a villain since it was clear that he was really just trying to impress his father. not very much different from the protagonist's attempts to impress his mother. and for his crime of seeking parental approval? sentenced to a slow death by asphyxiation on the moon. pretty gruesome for a kids' movie. get it? "gru"esome? i kill me.
also? you cannot just put the moon up in the sky and call it a day. the moon stays up in the sky because it is *in orbit* around the earth. if you rocket it up into the sky, then shut off the rocket, it will fall back down and kill us all. everybody knows this, even little kids who failed their fingerpainting class. in fact, some kids understand that even *with* the orbit properly set up, the moon might still fall down and kill us all, then feast upon our flesh.
sleep tight, kiddies. with one eye open.
murder on the orient express
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071877/
really, i just want to brag about figuring out what was going on right about the time poirot was interviewing the second passenger. i was able to do this because my brain is *enormous*. happily, predicting the plot did not detract from my enjoyment of watching the rest of the film. twelve thumbs up.
really, i just want to brag about figuring out what was going on right about the time poirot was interviewing the second passenger. i was able to do this because my brain is *enormous*. happily, predicting the plot did not detract from my enjoyment of watching the rest of the film. twelve thumbs up.
2010-07-22
rapid fire
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105219/
the fight choreography was fabulous, very fluid and with none of the awkward pauses or positioning that plague most mainstream fighting movies. the dialog was terrible, though, like -2 stars terrible.
the fight choreography was fabulous, very fluid and with none of the awkward pauses or positioning that plague most mainstream fighting movies. the dialog was terrible, though, like -2 stars terrible.
2010-07-05
bad lieutenant: port of call: new orleans
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1095217/
bad lieutenant was shot entirely with cell phone cameras on the emptied streets of new orleans, in the aftermath of hurricane katrina. they sneaked in extras under cover of darkness to act in various roles and run the cameras. other cost-cutting measures included hiring low-rent actors like nicholas cage and eva mendes to act as the leads and letting cage's kid do all the video editing on his imac.
bad lieutenant was shot entirely with cell phone cameras on the emptied streets of new orleans, in the aftermath of hurricane katrina. they sneaked in extras under cover of darkness to act in various roles and run the cameras. other cost-cutting measures included hiring low-rent actors like nicholas cage and eva mendes to act as the leads and letting cage's kid do all the video editing on his imac.
2010-07-03
the a team
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0429493/
good clean fun, but a bit hollow. i remember laughing a few times and generally being entertained, but i cannot really remember why. they flew a tank, so i guess that should count for something.
good clean fun, but a bit hollow. i remember laughing a few times and generally being entertained, but i cannot really remember why. they flew a tank, so i guess that should count for something.
point break
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102685/
who would win in a fight: patrick swayze or keanu reeves? thanks to point break, we now know that the answer to this question is "patrick swayze, at first, but then keanu reeves, except he will then let patrick swayze go after his moby dick and ultimately win--in life." or death. whatever. it was implied.
the big question in my mind has to do with why netflix recommended this one to me. my working theory is that it noted that i liked the matrix and roadhouse, then concluded that the intersection of keanu reeves and patrick swayze would be something i would really blow my mind. it was right, just not in a good way.
who would win in a fight: patrick swayze or keanu reeves? thanks to point break, we now know that the answer to this question is "patrick swayze, at first, but then keanu reeves, except he will then let patrick swayze go after his moby dick and ultimately win--in life." or death. whatever. it was implied.
the big question in my mind has to do with why netflix recommended this one to me. my working theory is that it noted that i liked the matrix and roadhouse, then concluded that the intersection of keanu reeves and patrick swayze would be something i would really blow my mind. it was right, just not in a good way.
2010-07-02
hoodwinked
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443536/
hoodwinked is a remake of kurosawa's classic, rashomon. it is about twenty times better than rashomon, which is saying a lot because rashomon was awesome. i am actually kind of prevaricating a little about the remake part, but i am confident that i can get away with it because most people will be too lazy to go look it up. i am doubly protected because most people do not know what "prevaricating" means. i guess that matters less nowadays because most people are smart enough to cut and paste words they do not know into a search box and get a quick definition. that is why i am petitioning the intarweb to cancel google and promote more walled gardens. bring back network segregation and petty fiefdoms! i figure if i can get about three and a half billion signatures, i will have a majority, and we will be able to make it happen.
aaaaanyway, hoodwinked was great.
hoodwinked is a remake of kurosawa's classic, rashomon. it is about twenty times better than rashomon, which is saying a lot because rashomon was awesome. i am actually kind of prevaricating a little about the remake part, but i am confident that i can get away with it because most people will be too lazy to go look it up. i am doubly protected because most people do not know what "prevaricating" means. i guess that matters less nowadays because most people are smart enough to cut and paste words they do not know into a search box and get a quick definition. that is why i am petitioning the intarweb to cancel google and promote more walled gardens. bring back network segregation and petty fiefdoms! i figure if i can get about three and a half billion signatures, i will have a majority, and we will be able to make it happen.
aaaaanyway, hoodwinked was great.
2010-06-27
what's eating gilbert grape
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108550/
sadly, the answer to the titular question was not "a mountain lion, in scene two." nor was it "cannibals, in scene two." not even "a chipper/shredder, in scene two." man, where are those zombie strippers when you really need them?
sadly, the answer to the titular question was not "a mountain lion, in scene two." nor was it "cannibals, in scene two." not even "a chipper/shredder, in scene two." man, where are those zombie strippers when you really need them?
knight and day
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1013743/
i understand that "knight" was the tom cruise character's real name, but other than sounding catchy, the name "knight and day" makes no sense. they could have called it "tom cruise: the movie," and i think this would have been at least as accurate, while not revealing plot points. here are a few more names i came up with in case you guys are getting stuck for names to give movies like this:
mission: highly unlikely
super-agents and super-not-agents
lemme hear you say "huh?"
the battery
the girl without the dragon tattoo
planes, automobiles, trains, more automobiles, and a seaplane
skulldriver
note that you can further punch these titles up with tactics like changing all the "s" characters to "z" characters or turning all the "k" characters backwards. you could also replace one or more characters with an apostrophe.
i liked the way most of the crazy action happened off camera, and the super-agent's offhandedness about his stunts was, ah, charming. everything else was balls. (that is "balls" as in, "like the time my cow-orker dumped a box of plastic colored balls all over my desk," not as in "testicles.") cameron diaz should stop being in movies. peter sarsgaard should stop playing characters that are so amazingly lame.
i understand that "knight" was the tom cruise character's real name, but other than sounding catchy, the name "knight and day" makes no sense. they could have called it "tom cruise: the movie," and i think this would have been at least as accurate, while not revealing plot points. here are a few more names i came up with in case you guys are getting stuck for names to give movies like this:
mission: highly unlikely
super-agents and super-not-agents
lemme hear you say "huh?"
the battery
the girl without the dragon tattoo
planes, automobiles, trains, more automobiles, and a seaplane
skulldriver
note that you can further punch these titles up with tactics like changing all the "s" characters to "z" characters or turning all the "k" characters backwards. you could also replace one or more characters with an apostrophe.
i liked the way most of the crazy action happened off camera, and the super-agent's offhandedness about his stunts was, ah, charming. everything else was balls. (that is "balls" as in, "like the time my cow-orker dumped a box of plastic colored balls all over my desk," not as in "testicles.") cameron diaz should stop being in movies. peter sarsgaard should stop playing characters that are so amazingly lame.
2010-06-18
step brothers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0838283/
i give this movie 15 games of solitaire, because that is how many i played--and won--while watching it. the jokes were not offensive enough to be shocking, and they were certainly not funny. the only part that was really likable was mary steenbergen's smile. ms steenbergen's smile also appeared in the proposal and marilyn hotchkiss' ballroom dancing and charm school, either of which i would recommend in place of this waste of time.
i give this movie 15 games of solitaire, because that is how many i played--and won--while watching it. the jokes were not offensive enough to be shocking, and they were certainly not funny. the only part that was really likable was mary steenbergen's smile. ms steenbergen's smile also appeared in the proposal and marilyn hotchkiss' ballroom dancing and charm school, either of which i would recommend in place of this waste of time.
2010-06-03
zombie strippers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960890/
zombie strippers will always have a very special place in my heart. i give it three stars, one each for the zombies, the strippers, and the deep existential questions a film like this raises.
zombie strippers will always have a very special place in my heart. i give it three stars, one each for the zombies, the strippers, and the deep existential questions a film like this raises.
2010-05-31
the informant
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1130080/
i thought this was kind of a boring corporate espionage film until about halfway through, when i suddenly realized it was a remake of the talented mr ripley, just with less blood on screen. at that point, i became riveted to my seat in horror because i was pretty sure matt damon was going to snap and start killing people again.
it was really irresponsible of hollywood to put in him in this kind of psycho killing-people situation again, especially after he learned all those special killing-people skills in the bourne movies. i think there is a strong possibility that this time the violence could spread past the big screen. who would save us then? rambo? he's old. ditto for arnie and jackie chan. if gerard butler and christian bale teamed up, they might hold him back for a few milliseconds. but really, there would be no one who would stand a chance...except, perhaps, river tam.
the informant gets two bits of information. a bit is the atomic unit of information.
i thought this was kind of a boring corporate espionage film until about halfway through, when i suddenly realized it was a remake of the talented mr ripley, just with less blood on screen. at that point, i became riveted to my seat in horror because i was pretty sure matt damon was going to snap and start killing people again.
it was really irresponsible of hollywood to put in him in this kind of psycho killing-people situation again, especially after he learned all those special killing-people skills in the bourne movies. i think there is a strong possibility that this time the violence could spread past the big screen. who would save us then? rambo? he's old. ditto for arnie and jackie chan. if gerard butler and christian bale teamed up, they might hold him back for a few milliseconds. but really, there would be no one who would stand a chance...except, perhaps, river tam.
the informant gets two bits of information. a bit is the atomic unit of information.
2010-05-16
ong bak 2: the beginning
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0785035/
other than tony jaa and lots of fighting, ong bak 2 had nothing to do with ong bak 1. or with the other ong bak 2 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427954/). the plot was completely nonsensical, even by action movie standards. hell, the plot was nonsensical by *porno movie* standards. i think they were going for some kind of revenge thing? but instead of revenge, he got captured and tortured to death? and the guy who raised him and taught him all his fighting skillz turned out to hate him, except not really? and the girl from the dance skool who was as hung up on him as he was on her? i guess he was too busy not getting revenge to go sweep her off her feet. not that he would have had much luck with that because, hey, dancer.
ong bak 2 gets two stars for the extensive fight choreography, but understand that this is two stars mostly because of the sheer amount of effort they put into it, not because it was *good* fight choreography. kind of like how when the guy behind the counter gives you your change and you say "thank you," even though if he tried to keep the change you would probably deliver a flying knee into his face.
other than tony jaa and lots of fighting, ong bak 2 had nothing to do with ong bak 1. or with the other ong bak 2 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427954/). the plot was completely nonsensical, even by action movie standards. hell, the plot was nonsensical by *porno movie* standards. i think they were going for some kind of revenge thing? but instead of revenge, he got captured and tortured to death? and the guy who raised him and taught him all his fighting skillz turned out to hate him, except not really? and the girl from the dance skool who was as hung up on him as he was on her? i guess he was too busy not getting revenge to go sweep her off her feet. not that he would have had much luck with that because, hey, dancer.
ong bak 2 gets two stars for the extensive fight choreography, but understand that this is two stars mostly because of the sheer amount of effort they put into it, not because it was *good* fight choreography. kind of like how when the guy behind the counter gives you your change and you say "thank you," even though if he tried to keep the change you would probably deliver a flying knee into his face.
iron man 2
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1228705/
meh. iron man 2 was entertaining in the tropical fish tank sense, but that was about it.
mickey rourke was awesome. he and the girl who played black widow seemed to be the only people who took their parts seriously. it worked out for blacklash since his character mostly worked with himself and also because mickey rourke has his own personal gravity field. black widow, on the other hand, ended up with nobody to play seriously off of. everybody else seemed to phone in their performances. ha ha, look at me, i am tony stark, i take nothing seriously. well save it, we already saw that one, it was called iron man.
meh. iron man 2 was entertaining in the tropical fish tank sense, but that was about it.
mickey rourke was awesome. he and the girl who played black widow seemed to be the only people who took their parts seriously. it worked out for blacklash since his character mostly worked with himself and also because mickey rourke has his own personal gravity field. black widow, on the other hand, ended up with nobody to play seriously off of. everybody else seemed to phone in their performances. ha ha, look at me, i am tony stark, i take nothing seriously. well save it, we already saw that one, it was called iron man.
2010-04-23
date night
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1279935/
i was lured to see this one by the combined forces of tina fey, mark wahlberg, ray liotta, and, had i only known she was in it ahead of time, gal gadot. you may remember her from the most recent fast and furious movie, where she played the part of Totally Hot Girl. this is the same part she played in date night.
ummmm...anyway, date night unfortunately had steve carell in it, too, which is too bad because steve carell is totally lame. i assume that people find him funny because he plays the same character over and over, like a remix of jim carrey, pet detective. seen jim carrey in anything lately? no, of course not. BECAUSE HE IS STEVE CARELL! witness the truth revealed, only here, on schmolli's movie review blog thing.
i was lured to see this one by the combined forces of tina fey, mark wahlberg, ray liotta, and, had i only known she was in it ahead of time, gal gadot. you may remember her from the most recent fast and furious movie, where she played the part of Totally Hot Girl. this is the same part she played in date night.
ummmm...anyway, date night unfortunately had steve carell in it, too, which is too bad because steve carell is totally lame. i assume that people find him funny because he plays the same character over and over, like a remix of jim carrey, pet detective. seen jim carrey in anything lately? no, of course not. BECAUSE HE IS STEVE CARELL! witness the truth revealed, only here, on schmolli's movie review blog thing.
the rainmaker
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119978/
"MATT, baby. let me tell ya, ya gonna be the next TOM CREWS if you just do TWO THINGS for me. first, ya gotta do a LAWYER movie. second, ya gotta do a JET PILOT movie. i'm bringing a SCRIPT over to ya NOW."
this is what i imagine matt damon's agent said to him to get him to do this film. luckily for his career, he must have fired that agent.
"MATT, baby. let me tell ya, ya gonna be the next TOM CREWS if you just do TWO THINGS for me. first, ya gotta do a LAWYER movie. second, ya gotta do a JET PILOT movie. i'm bringing a SCRIPT over to ya NOW."
this is what i imagine matt damon's agent said to him to get him to do this film. luckily for his career, he must have fired that agent.
franklyn
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0893402/
this is one of those films where multiple story lines come together. they did a good job with it, the stories flowed together pretty well. i got a little lost on what the message was supposed to be with regard to something i should probably not mention if i do not want to give away important plot elements, but my understanding is that you are supposed to watch this one twice. an alternative to watching movies twice is to have a photographic memory. sadly, my memory is *pornographic*.
this is one of those films where multiple story lines come together. they did a good job with it, the stories flowed together pretty well. i got a little lost on what the message was supposed to be with regard to something i should probably not mention if i do not want to give away important plot elements, but my understanding is that you are supposed to watch this one twice. an alternative to watching movies twice is to have a photographic memory. sadly, my memory is *pornographic*.
2010-04-19
kick ass
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1250777/
kick ass was the same movie as observe and report (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1197628/), in much the same way that snatch was the same as lock, stock, and two smoking barrels. and layer cake. and the other one that i can never remember. aside of the obvious plot parallels, the main thing both "kick ass" and "observe and report" had in common was a kind of darkness that lurked behind the scenes and bubbled up unexpectedly. i liked that, as a change of pace, but i hope it does not catch on because its main attraction is its fleetingness. you can only shock somebody so many times before they catch on. i guess you can tie them down and tape the probes on, too, but that usually does not happen in a movie theater kind of situation.
i am not sure what nicholas cage was doing in this film, but i was really happy to see him screaming as he burned alive. as for the "hit girl" character, foul-mouthed pre-teen kunoichis have never been cool. i wish people would stop making them. i can see the fascination--it is the same as when little abigail says "hi mrs marplebee! my daddy says you're fat and useless!"--but it is not a good kind of fascination. as for the main character, i can not really think of anything i want to call out about him, other than the absolute preposterousness of the idea that he would hook up with a girl.
with all that said, i enjoyed the overall film. it was comic book enough that i could overlook the absurdity, laugh at the jokes, and just sort of go along for the ride.
kick ass was the same movie as observe and report (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1197628/), in much the same way that snatch was the same as lock, stock, and two smoking barrels. and layer cake. and the other one that i can never remember. aside of the obvious plot parallels, the main thing both "kick ass" and "observe and report" had in common was a kind of darkness that lurked behind the scenes and bubbled up unexpectedly. i liked that, as a change of pace, but i hope it does not catch on because its main attraction is its fleetingness. you can only shock somebody so many times before they catch on. i guess you can tie them down and tape the probes on, too, but that usually does not happen in a movie theater kind of situation.
i am not sure what nicholas cage was doing in this film, but i was really happy to see him screaming as he burned alive. as for the "hit girl" character, foul-mouthed pre-teen kunoichis have never been cool. i wish people would stop making them. i can see the fascination--it is the same as when little abigail says "hi mrs marplebee! my daddy says you're fat and useless!"--but it is not a good kind of fascination. as for the main character, i can not really think of anything i want to call out about him, other than the absolute preposterousness of the idea that he would hook up with a girl.
with all that said, i enjoyed the overall film. it was comic book enough that i could overlook the absurdity, laugh at the jokes, and just sort of go along for the ride.
2010-03-28
harley davidson and the marlboro man
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102005/
this is the kind of 80s action film my legal guardians would have rented from the local grocery video store when i was a kid. they would have let me watch it, but every time there was a nekkid lady on the screen, they would have made me cover my eyes. at the time, i failed to understand that i was supposed to peek, and thereby gain forbidden knowledge. since they yelled at me every time they thought i was trying to peek, i think they also did not understand this. it was a pretty rough childhood, what with all the misunderstanding about which child care standards we were only supposed to pay lip service to.
trip down amnesia lane aside, there is not a lot to savor here. pretty much every attribute you would care to measure came in somewhere between "lame" and "mundane."
this is the kind of 80s action film my legal guardians would have rented from the local grocery video store when i was a kid. they would have let me watch it, but every time there was a nekkid lady on the screen, they would have made me cover my eyes. at the time, i failed to understand that i was supposed to peek, and thereby gain forbidden knowledge. since they yelled at me every time they thought i was trying to peek, i think they also did not understand this. it was a pretty rough childhood, what with all the misunderstanding about which child care standards we were only supposed to pay lip service to.
trip down amnesia lane aside, there is not a lot to savor here. pretty much every attribute you would care to measure came in somewhere between "lame" and "mundane."
2010-03-20
charlotte sometimes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0284478/
this was a pretty low-budget picture. i guess they call those "indies" these days. the camera work was a little weird. the script was a little weird. the pacing was a little weird. the plot was a little weird. i still do not understand why the one girl was talking to herself on a tape recorder. anyway, all those weirdnesses should have added up to a big fat failure, but somehow they made it perfect instead. it reminded me of last life in the universe, partly because of that perfection, but also because both of them embraced the total nonsensicalness that dominates my existence. without the tedium, i mean.
this was a pretty low-budget picture. i guess they call those "indies" these days. the camera work was a little weird. the script was a little weird. the pacing was a little weird. the plot was a little weird. i still do not understand why the one girl was talking to herself on a tape recorder. anyway, all those weirdnesses should have added up to a big fat failure, but somehow they made it perfect instead. it reminded me of last life in the universe, partly because of that perfection, but also because both of them embraced the total nonsensicalness that dominates my existence. without the tedium, i mean.
2010-03-13
near dark
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093605/
in watching this film, i have learned something important about the close personal friend who recommended it to me, which is that he hates me and is trying to ruin my life.
in watching this film, i have learned something important about the close personal friend who recommended it to me, which is that he hates me and is trying to ruin my life.
2010-03-12
the machine girl
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1050160/
this is the best movie that has ever existed.
the quality is on par with the kind of picture you would make if you filmed it with your cell phone's built-in video recorder, a cast made up of your coworkers, on a set constructed from cardboard boxes from the dumpster out in the back of a nearby apartment complex. the dumpster would also feature prominently in your film.
this is the best movie that has ever existed.
the quality is on par with the kind of picture you would make if you filmed it with your cell phone's built-in video recorder, a cast made up of your coworkers, on a set constructed from cardboard boxes from the dumpster out in the back of a nearby apartment complex. the dumpster would also feature prominently in your film.
2010-03-11
ninja
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1182921/
this film was not so great on the acting, dialogue, or plot fronts, but what do you expect, it is an american ninja movie. you might as well complain about the lack of plot and acting in a porno. people do not watch porn for the awesome acting and provokative plots, nor do they watch american ninja movies for anything other than AWESOME NINJA ACTION.
i am going to be honest with you. "ninja" is not that great of a movie. two stars, maybe. however, i am giving it an extra plus one star and an honorable mention because of the uncompromising ferocity with which they followed--nay, attacked--the way of the american ninja movie:
- white guy in ninja school
- "asian" bad guy who was kicked out of ninja school
- key dialogue spoken in japanese-with-mandatory-english subtitles
- ninja school's teacher killed by bad guy
- japanese heroine who needs to be saved from the bad guy
i could go on, but you know what kind of movie i am talking about here. they even scored a scene where the hero carries the heroine in his arms while she looks up at him adoringly. it was very john wayne, and i nearly cried. well. my eyes were watery because i have allergies, but there was some emotion there. probably.
this film was not so great on the acting, dialogue, or plot fronts, but what do you expect, it is an american ninja movie. you might as well complain about the lack of plot and acting in a porno. people do not watch porn for the awesome acting and provokative plots, nor do they watch american ninja movies for anything other than AWESOME NINJA ACTION.
i am going to be honest with you. "ninja" is not that great of a movie. two stars, maybe. however, i am giving it an extra plus one star and an honorable mention because of the uncompromising ferocity with which they followed--nay, attacked--the way of the american ninja movie:
- white guy in ninja school
- "asian" bad guy who was kicked out of ninja school
- key dialogue spoken in japanese-with-mandatory-english subtitles
- ninja school's teacher killed by bad guy
- japanese heroine who needs to be saved from the bad guy
i could go on, but you know what kind of movie i am talking about here. they even scored a scene where the hero carries the heroine in his arms while she looks up at him adoringly. it was very john wayne, and i nearly cried. well. my eyes were watery because i have allergies, but there was some emotion there. probably.
2010-02-28
2010-02-21
avatar
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/
let me say right off that i did not see avatar, nor am i going to. so stop asking me to write a review of it. i read the screenplay a few years ago and found it to be a standard-issue underdog action flick with extra syrupy feel-goodness slathered on top. the most positive thing i have heard about it was that it was fun to look at, like a tropical fish tank. i cannot imagine being entertained by a tropical fish tank for three hours. the fish tank clocks in at five minutes, tops. you could make it six minutes by adding a big turtle, or a bunch of small ones.
there is a lot i could say about the length of movies, but it really all boils down to that if i am going to see it in the theater, it has to be short enough that my bladder does not explode. i like to stay hydrated, i do not like to stumble around in the dark and miss five minutes in the middle of the show. sure, i could miss less if i chose not to wash my hands, but that would be disgusting. ditto for the idea about peeing on the plants in the lobby instead of going all the way to the restroom. and the idea about using a catheter. using an empty water bottle is right out. anyway, the point is that avatar is too long.
let me say right off that i did not see avatar, nor am i going to. so stop asking me to write a review of it. i read the screenplay a few years ago and found it to be a standard-issue underdog action flick with extra syrupy feel-goodness slathered on top. the most positive thing i have heard about it was that it was fun to look at, like a tropical fish tank. i cannot imagine being entertained by a tropical fish tank for three hours. the fish tank clocks in at five minutes, tops. you could make it six minutes by adding a big turtle, or a bunch of small ones.
there is a lot i could say about the length of movies, but it really all boils down to that if i am going to see it in the theater, it has to be short enough that my bladder does not explode. i like to stay hydrated, i do not like to stumble around in the dark and miss five minutes in the middle of the show. sure, i could miss less if i chose not to wash my hands, but that would be disgusting. ditto for the idea about peeing on the plants in the lobby instead of going all the way to the restroom. and the idea about using a catheter. using an empty water bottle is right out. anyway, the point is that avatar is too long.
timecrimes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480669/
it is hard to explain why i liked this one without giving away critical details, so i will just summarize by saying that this is a well-constructed time-travel movie. i really really want to say additional things about it, but i feel certain that if i did, i would be force to travel back in time to undo that decision.
i can do that, you know. travel back in time. because i am the great and powerful schmolli.
it is hard to explain why i liked this one without giving away critical details, so i will just summarize by saying that this is a well-constructed time-travel movie. i really really want to say additional things about it, but i feel certain that if i did, i would be force to travel back in time to undo that decision.
i can do that, you know. travel back in time. because i am the great and powerful schmolli.
2010-01-23
the big hit; also, vampires
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120609/
is it supposed to be a comedy? an action film? a spoof? hell if i know. it felt like they were trying to be humorous, but none of the material was funny. they had guns and explosions, but the action was totally lame. the main character was so pathetic that i could not figure out how anyone could possibly like him. i mean, sure, it was mark wahlberg, but really.
enough about this crappy movie, i want to talk about something much more important: vampires.
there so many different versions of vampires. wikipedia even has a page full of vampire matrices to help decode the different versions. i never used to worry about vampires, until i read that page. there are so many different kinds, many with completely different vulnerabilities. i knew vampires were hard to kill already, but it has become painfully clear to me that i have been underestimating the difficulty in thinking i merely had to dodge razor sharp claws and teeth long enough to drive a stake into their hearts or kick them through a window and into daylight. no, now i know that there will be a phase to the operation where you have to figure out what *kind* of vampire you are dealing with, and only then can you put a plan into action for destroying the unholy beasts.
speaking of vampires, avoid "vampire$" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120877/) the movie. the book was awesome, though. in fact, read anything by john steakley.
is it supposed to be a comedy? an action film? a spoof? hell if i know. it felt like they were trying to be humorous, but none of the material was funny. they had guns and explosions, but the action was totally lame. the main character was so pathetic that i could not figure out how anyone could possibly like him. i mean, sure, it was mark wahlberg, but really.
enough about this crappy movie, i want to talk about something much more important: vampires.
there so many different versions of vampires. wikipedia even has a page full of vampire matrices to help decode the different versions. i never used to worry about vampires, until i read that page. there are so many different kinds, many with completely different vulnerabilities. i knew vampires were hard to kill already, but it has become painfully clear to me that i have been underestimating the difficulty in thinking i merely had to dodge razor sharp claws and teeth long enough to drive a stake into their hearts or kick them through a window and into daylight. no, now i know that there will be a phase to the operation where you have to figure out what *kind* of vampire you are dealing with, and only then can you put a plan into action for destroying the unholy beasts.
speaking of vampires, avoid "vampire$" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120877/) the movie. the book was awesome, though. in fact, read anything by john steakley.
2010-01-02
shinobi: heart under blade
the netflix summary compared this movie to romeo and juliet, which caused me to immediately expect it to suck. happily, this film differed quite a bit from that drek. the characters were not completely unlikable, they did not go on and on and on and on about how madly in love they were with each other, there was absolutely no singing until the credits, and for the most part, everybody who died did so relatively quickly and quietly, even the characters who had to deliver monologues before punching out. best of all, unlike shakespeare's tripe, just about everybody was a ninja! yeah! ninjas make every movie better.
however, one thing that they did have in common with romeo and juliet is that the two ninja clans had the age-old grudge match thing going on. i never understand inter-generational grudges. people should be smart enough to understand that once the origins of the grudge has been lost in time, it is time to give it up. i know that people do not really work that way, but...i want to believe. unicorns and santa claus have been taken from me already, so the idea that humans can overcome their baser natures is really all i have left now.
superior ninja action motivated by a reasonable plot and acting earns this film a solid four (throwing) stars.
however, one thing that they did have in common with romeo and juliet is that the two ninja clans had the age-old grudge match thing going on. i never understand inter-generational grudges. people should be smart enough to understand that once the origins of the grudge has been lost in time, it is time to give it up. i know that people do not really work that way, but...i want to believe. unicorns and santa claus have been taken from me already, so the idea that humans can overcome their baser natures is really all i have left now.
superior ninja action motivated by a reasonable plot and acting earns this film a solid four (throwing) stars.
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