http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/
hansel and gretel is one of those horror movies where the real horror is that in the final minutes, they were clearly lining up a sequel. please, no more. think of the children. not the children in the movie. the children outside the movie. the ones that are in danger of being exposed to such dangerous materials as grand white witches and trolls-with-hearts-of-gold. also, how do you spend your whole life hunting evil witches and still be completely unaware that not only do good witches exist, but that you-or-your-sister is one of them? do not even talk to me about acting, plot, sound, music, lighting, or cinematography.
hansel and gretel get one half witchblade each.
2014-01-23
2014-01-17
the wolf of wall street
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0993846
the wolf of wall street was deeply entertaining for the first two hours. it was unfortunately a three hour movie. for the last hour, you have to watch leonardo circle the drain. after three hours, i do not have the strength to write any more.
the wolf of wall street gets two quaaludes.
the wolf of wall street was deeply entertaining for the first two hours. it was unfortunately a three hour movie. for the last hour, you have to watch leonardo circle the drain. after three hours, i do not have the strength to write any more.
the wolf of wall street gets two quaaludes.
american hustle
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1800241
i love confidence movies. i have a lot of fun guessing who is getting conned at any particular time. i like to imagine what i would do if i was the confidence person. of course, i would be a terrible confidence person. can i lie? no. can i devise a complicated swindle? surely not. am i tall? the jury is in, and they say "not guilty."
american hustle suffered from a failure to decide whether it was a documentary or a confidence movie. i mean, it was a confidence movie, but it was also sort of based on some real event or something, which really cut it off at the knees. confidence movies are fun when the twist goes *bigger* than you expected. american hustle's twist was pretty lame. really? they only wanted to con the feds? and they got no money out of it? booooooring. but that is what happens when you constrain yourself to so-called reality.
american hustle gets two perms.
i love confidence movies. i have a lot of fun guessing who is getting conned at any particular time. i like to imagine what i would do if i was the confidence person. of course, i would be a terrible confidence person. can i lie? no. can i devise a complicated swindle? surely not. am i tall? the jury is in, and they say "not guilty."
american hustle suffered from a failure to decide whether it was a documentary or a confidence movie. i mean, it was a confidence movie, but it was also sort of based on some real event or something, which really cut it off at the knees. confidence movies are fun when the twist goes *bigger* than you expected. american hustle's twist was pretty lame. really? they only wanted to con the feds? and they got no money out of it? booooooring. but that is what happens when you constrain yourself to so-called reality.
american hustle gets two perms.
2014-01-10
bko: bangkok knockout
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1770650
bangkok knockout is one of those arena movies where one or more protagonists make their way through a series of fights. do not look for plot or acting, there is only enough of each to move from one fight to the next. bko's plot was actually better than most of its brethren's, but you still cannot study it too closely without finding lots of nits to pick.
the fights were well done. good choreography, an astonishing amount of variety, and not too predictable in flow or outcome. they were a lot of fun to watch.
bangkok knockout gets four knockouts for knowing what it is, and more importantly, what it is not.
bangkok knockout is one of those arena movies where one or more protagonists make their way through a series of fights. do not look for plot or acting, there is only enough of each to move from one fight to the next. bko's plot was actually better than most of its brethren's, but you still cannot study it too closely without finding lots of nits to pick.
the fights were well done. good choreography, an astonishing amount of variety, and not too predictable in flow or outcome. they were a lot of fun to watch.
bangkok knockout gets four knockouts for knowing what it is, and more importantly, what it is not.
2014-01-05
stand up guys
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1389096
stand up guys is a tired, threadbare plot coupled with lackluster performances. it breaks my heart to see pacino and walken in this heap. i must also, with heavy heart, retract the assertion i have made on numerous occasions that al pacino can make anything great. also, he is apparently pretty short.
stand up guys gets one steak. rare.
stand up guys is a tired, threadbare plot coupled with lackluster performances. it breaks my heart to see pacino and walken in this heap. i must also, with heavy heart, retract the assertion i have made on numerous occasions that al pacino can make anything great. also, he is apparently pretty short.
stand up guys gets one steak. rare.
the bodyguard
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450996
the bodyguard? you mean that movie from the 90s that starred whitney houston and kevin kostner? no, not that one. well then, you must mean the kurosawa movie which is better known as yojimbo? no, not that one either. rather, this is the thai slapstick martial arts movie which distinguishes itself from its contemporaries by aiming for horrible and then wildly exceeding expectations. not in a good way. i sat all the way through it--not proud of that--because at every point i thought to myself that it could not possibly get any worse. as it happens, at every point, i was wrong. so very, very wrong. i am covered in the stench of wrongness, set adrift in a sea of sorrow and regret, captain and crew of a tugboat named misery.
why am i so stupid. netflix recommendations have screwed me time after time, and still, i let myself be intrigued by the things they suggest. here is how netflix described this one: "With plenty of martial arts action and a hefty dose of Thai humor, this crime comedy tells the story of hapless personal bodyguard Wong Kom." they also list tony jaa as the headliner. hoo boy. where do the lies begin? it is hard to tell because there are so many of them.
first of all, tony jaa, who is exceedingly watchable in a fight scene, only appears for a cameo. he shows up to beat down a couple people for no discernible reason, then takes off. this is the kind of movie where that sort of thing happens all the time.
secondly, the "martial arts action" is some of the stupidest stuff i have ever seen. wire work for the sake of wire work? wu shu? kickboxing? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
third, "thai humor" apparently consists of ridiculing homosexuals, poor people, and the mentally handicapped. this aspect was probably the least offensive part of the movie.
the body guard gets one migraine.
the bodyguard? you mean that movie from the 90s that starred whitney houston and kevin kostner? no, not that one. well then, you must mean the kurosawa movie which is better known as yojimbo? no, not that one either. rather, this is the thai slapstick martial arts movie which distinguishes itself from its contemporaries by aiming for horrible and then wildly exceeding expectations. not in a good way. i sat all the way through it--not proud of that--because at every point i thought to myself that it could not possibly get any worse. as it happens, at every point, i was wrong. so very, very wrong. i am covered in the stench of wrongness, set adrift in a sea of sorrow and regret, captain and crew of a tugboat named misery.
why am i so stupid. netflix recommendations have screwed me time after time, and still, i let myself be intrigued by the things they suggest. here is how netflix described this one: "With plenty of martial arts action and a hefty dose of Thai humor, this crime comedy tells the story of hapless personal bodyguard Wong Kom." they also list tony jaa as the headliner. hoo boy. where do the lies begin? it is hard to tell because there are so many of them.
first of all, tony jaa, who is exceedingly watchable in a fight scene, only appears for a cameo. he shows up to beat down a couple people for no discernible reason, then takes off. this is the kind of movie where that sort of thing happens all the time.
secondly, the "martial arts action" is some of the stupidest stuff i have ever seen. wire work for the sake of wire work? wu shu? kickboxing? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
third, "thai humor" apparently consists of ridiculing homosexuals, poor people, and the mentally handicapped. this aspect was probably the least offensive part of the movie.
the body guard gets one migraine.
2014-01-04
ninja 2: shadow of a tear
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2458106
i dunno. ninja basically worked, but ninja 2 took a hard left onto taking itself too seriously street. cutting everything having to do with the dead wife other than the death scene would have gone a long way towards fixing that issue. the pregnancy thing was completely unnecessary. as if the protagonist's personality was nuanced enough to need that extra motivation for revenge.
fight scenes: we got thems. they were plentiful and adequately impressive. i could have done with fewer stutters in the action, though. grimacing and posing do not get the job done. try punching or kicking or something like that. i also could have done with less focus on the stupid barbed wire strangling weapon thing. it was not even that good of a weapon. here is a tip. you want to knock somebody off, just shove them down the stairs or in front of a car. way easier, and it looks accidental. not when you do it to an entire encampment of armed guards, though. there is that.
also, who sends thugs bearing knives with the school logo on them after a guy you are certain will be able to beat the crap out of them? maybe the same guy who TAKES DRUG DELIVERIES IN THE DOJO OFFICE DURING BROAD DAYLIGHT WHILE THE PROTAGONIST WATCHES. i just, what.
ninja 2 gets two symbols for happiness.
i dunno. ninja basically worked, but ninja 2 took a hard left onto taking itself too seriously street. cutting everything having to do with the dead wife other than the death scene would have gone a long way towards fixing that issue. the pregnancy thing was completely unnecessary. as if the protagonist's personality was nuanced enough to need that extra motivation for revenge.
fight scenes: we got thems. they were plentiful and adequately impressive. i could have done with fewer stutters in the action, though. grimacing and posing do not get the job done. try punching or kicking or something like that. i also could have done with less focus on the stupid barbed wire strangling weapon thing. it was not even that good of a weapon. here is a tip. you want to knock somebody off, just shove them down the stairs or in front of a car. way easier, and it looks accidental. not when you do it to an entire encampment of armed guards, though. there is that.
also, who sends thugs bearing knives with the school logo on them after a guy you are certain will be able to beat the crap out of them? maybe the same guy who TAKES DRUG DELIVERIES IN THE DOJO OFFICE DURING BROAD DAYLIGHT WHILE THE PROTAGONIST WATCHES. i just, what.
ninja 2 gets two symbols for happiness.
2014-01-03
13 assassins
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1436045
13 assassins is essentially a remake of seven samurai with six extra samurai. i do not mean that in a bad way. it is a fine film. also nice, it is an hour shorter than seven samurai. however, the six extra samurai are clearly too much; you cannot keep them all straight, and the introductions take forever. other than the noise about who the bad guy is, this is just an updated version of the kurosawa classic.
13 assassins gets three assassins. for a total of 16. see what i did there? math.
13 assassins is essentially a remake of seven samurai with six extra samurai. i do not mean that in a bad way. it is a fine film. also nice, it is an hour shorter than seven samurai. however, the six extra samurai are clearly too much; you cannot keep them all straight, and the introductions take forever. other than the noise about who the bad guy is, this is just an updated version of the kurosawa classic.
13 assassins gets three assassins. for a total of 16. see what i did there? math.
lovelace
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1426329
lovelace comes off almost as a documentary, but because it obviously was not a documentary, i had a hard time getting into it.
sigh. and before i go any further, let me just add that this review does not contain any double-entendres.
where was i. oh yeah. i was also confused at first because every time i hear "lovelace", i think of *ada* lovelace, not linda. it just goes to show what happens when parents do not bring their children up right. this movie, of course, showed what happens when parents *do* bring their children up right--they go into the porn industry and marry into abusive and exploitative relationships.
lovelace gets two starring roles in a feature film.
lovelace comes off almost as a documentary, but because it obviously was not a documentary, i had a hard time getting into it.
sigh. and before i go any further, let me just add that this review does not contain any double-entendres.
where was i. oh yeah. i was also confused at first because every time i hear "lovelace", i think of *ada* lovelace, not linda. it just goes to show what happens when parents do not bring their children up right. this movie, of course, showed what happens when parents *do* bring their children up right--they go into the porn industry and marry into abusive and exploitative relationships.
lovelace gets two starring roles in a feature film.
serpico
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070666
serpico was not bad, but i had a hard time relating to it. i am slowly coming to believe that the main thing al pacino does is this kind of bug-eyed hangdog wtf expression. now that i have seen it, i cannot unsee it, and it is ruining pretty much every al pacino movie for me. it is like the time i read an article that said THE ROCK only has two modes, nice-guy mode and super-serious-ass-kicker mode. so now, though i still love THE ROCK with every fiber of my being, i cannot watch him in something without categorizing his performance into one of those two buckets. and sometimes into both buckets. have you seen his walking tall remake? god i love THE ROCK. i can even stomach johnny knoxfield a little bit now.
anyway, THE ROCK was not in this movie. serpico gets TWO ROCKS.
serpico was not bad, but i had a hard time relating to it. i am slowly coming to believe that the main thing al pacino does is this kind of bug-eyed hangdog wtf expression. now that i have seen it, i cannot unsee it, and it is ruining pretty much every al pacino movie for me. it is like the time i read an article that said THE ROCK only has two modes, nice-guy mode and super-serious-ass-kicker mode. so now, though i still love THE ROCK with every fiber of my being, i cannot watch him in something without categorizing his performance into one of those two buckets. and sometimes into both buckets. have you seen his walking tall remake? god i love THE ROCK. i can even stomach johnny knoxfield a little bit now.
anyway, THE ROCK was not in this movie. serpico gets TWO ROCKS.
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