[IMDB] [Amazon]
night owls is the kind of movie you watch because even though nobody wants to see it and you all expect very little from it, you are also tired of arguing and the argument about what to watch has gone to a weird place where the heels are dug in *all* the way and people are pulling shit like refusing to watch a good movie because *someone else* in the group already saw it, despite the fact that the someone else says they want to watch it again. when the discussion about what to watch is in that very special weird place, watch out. all of the good movies are going to be thrown violently off the table, and you are going to pick something bad, more or less at random. and then you are going to sit in silence, arms crossed and hating every second of it, but also pointedly pausing the movie any time somebody has to get up to use the shitter or get some water because you are all in it together and there is no way *anybody* is going to escape that miserable train wreck with a few minutes in the bathroom.
night owls delivered exactly according to expectations. it gets one valium.
2016-08-19
event horizon
[IMDB] [Amazon]
i gotta learn to let things go sometimes. i saw event horizon almost 20 years ago, and it has haunted me ever since. off and on, not every day. i am not a psycho. i mean, i am a psycho, but that is not the point. the point is that i always felt that this movie had defeated me in some way, and since i am a sore loser, it bothered me. wait, let me back up for a second and give you some context.
this was back near the end of my time in college. i was all burned out, my classes were hard, and i was working way too many hours. also, at the time, i had my day shifted so i would basically get up at 2 or 3 in the morning--it was part of my brilliant plan to have peace and quiet for doing homework or whatever--except, i also vaguely remember that i would usually not stumble home until after 10 or 12 at night, so no wonder about all the hallucinations. have you ever been chased through the dark by your imagination? do not answer that, i cannot hear you.
anyway. i do not watch a lot of horror movies, and for good reason. my sleep-deprived imagination would latch onto anything even remotely scary and just put that shit on repeat. when i watched blair witch project, i made the mistake of doing so by myself, late at night, in a theater that i had to drive home from. i was halfway home, driving on a narrow, unlit street, when i suddenly realized the significance of the final scene. oh god, i thought, he was STANDING IN THE CORNER. it is a wonder i did not plow into a parked car, what with my sudden panic attack, combined with an equally sudden conviction that the blair witch was IN MY BACK SEAT, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. i "slept" with the lights on that night, and i did not bother trying to sleep for a few days after that. when i was at work the following night, not bothering to sleep, i was convinced that the blair witch was behind me, though what she was doing in the rack with the licensing servers was not something my brain had an explanation for. i kept checking anyway. there was another time when my so-called friend convinced me to go see the exorcist, and that was even worse. i slept with the lights on for a week, and on at least a couple occasions, i woke up, hallucinating that that fucking little girl was spider-walking at me from around the corner of the kitchen island thing.
um. anyway. so, against this backdrop, we have an opportunity to watch a "science fiction" movie called event horizon. now, see, when i procured it, i was not aware that it was a sci-fi/HORROR movie. had i only known, i could have walked away. however, once i had it, i had to watch it. if that sounds wrong, then screw you, completionists are people too.
event horizon took me three sittings to watch, and i watched most of it by playing the movie in one window while i did something else in another window. fucking self-mutilation, man. it really gets to me. when i finally finished it, i felt relief, because mission accomplished, but i also felt defeat. fast-forward to a couple weeks ago, when somebody who absolutely did not know what they were talking about wrote that event horizon, though panned by critics and viewers alike, had some kind of staying power and was much better on a second viewing.
i knew it was a trap, i knew they were full of shit, i knew i was going to hate myself, and i knew i was going to watch it again. goddammit why am i so predictable. my friends and loved ones were very supportive--except my asshole dog, who just wanted food and belly rubs--and every single one of them said i should forget about the movie. just take it out of your queue, you do not have to watch it. why would you do that. you know you will not like it. you know you will regret it forever.
well, i DID take it out of my queue. then i was home alone and could not stop thinking about it and i looked it up and watched it anyway. and that is how i got closure.
event horizon gets one black hole to hell. it was no better the second time around and anybody who suggests otherwise is an idiot. honourable mention to sam neill for being legitimately creepy, at least so far as i could tell from between my fingers, before the part where the mutilations started.
i gotta learn to let things go sometimes. i saw event horizon almost 20 years ago, and it has haunted me ever since. off and on, not every day. i am not a psycho. i mean, i am a psycho, but that is not the point. the point is that i always felt that this movie had defeated me in some way, and since i am a sore loser, it bothered me. wait, let me back up for a second and give you some context.
this was back near the end of my time in college. i was all burned out, my classes were hard, and i was working way too many hours. also, at the time, i had my day shifted so i would basically get up at 2 or 3 in the morning--it was part of my brilliant plan to have peace and quiet for doing homework or whatever--except, i also vaguely remember that i would usually not stumble home until after 10 or 12 at night, so no wonder about all the hallucinations. have you ever been chased through the dark by your imagination? do not answer that, i cannot hear you.
anyway. i do not watch a lot of horror movies, and for good reason. my sleep-deprived imagination would latch onto anything even remotely scary and just put that shit on repeat. when i watched blair witch project, i made the mistake of doing so by myself, late at night, in a theater that i had to drive home from. i was halfway home, driving on a narrow, unlit street, when i suddenly realized the significance of the final scene. oh god, i thought, he was STANDING IN THE CORNER. it is a wonder i did not plow into a parked car, what with my sudden panic attack, combined with an equally sudden conviction that the blair witch was IN MY BACK SEAT, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. i "slept" with the lights on that night, and i did not bother trying to sleep for a few days after that. when i was at work the following night, not bothering to sleep, i was convinced that the blair witch was behind me, though what she was doing in the rack with the licensing servers was not something my brain had an explanation for. i kept checking anyway. there was another time when my so-called friend convinced me to go see the exorcist, and that was even worse. i slept with the lights on for a week, and on at least a couple occasions, i woke up, hallucinating that that fucking little girl was spider-walking at me from around the corner of the kitchen island thing.
um. anyway. so, against this backdrop, we have an opportunity to watch a "science fiction" movie called event horizon. now, see, when i procured it, i was not aware that it was a sci-fi/HORROR movie. had i only known, i could have walked away. however, once i had it, i had to watch it. if that sounds wrong, then screw you, completionists are people too.
event horizon took me three sittings to watch, and i watched most of it by playing the movie in one window while i did something else in another window. fucking self-mutilation, man. it really gets to me. when i finally finished it, i felt relief, because mission accomplished, but i also felt defeat. fast-forward to a couple weeks ago, when somebody who absolutely did not know what they were talking about wrote that event horizon, though panned by critics and viewers alike, had some kind of staying power and was much better on a second viewing.
i knew it was a trap, i knew they were full of shit, i knew i was going to hate myself, and i knew i was going to watch it again. goddammit why am i so predictable. my friends and loved ones were very supportive--except my asshole dog, who just wanted food and belly rubs--and every single one of them said i should forget about the movie. just take it out of your queue, you do not have to watch it. why would you do that. you know you will not like it. you know you will regret it forever.
well, i DID take it out of my queue. then i was home alone and could not stop thinking about it and i looked it up and watched it anyway. and that is how i got closure.
event horizon gets one black hole to hell. it was no better the second time around and anybody who suggests otherwise is an idiot. honourable mention to sam neill for being legitimately creepy, at least so far as i could tell from between my fingers, before the part where the mutilations started.
let's go to prison
[IMDB] [Amazon]
let's go to prison has some cheap laughs, a completely predictable plot arc, and a bunch of unidimensional stereotypes for characters. luckily, they realized they were making low-budget drek and embraced it, otherwise it would have been a real shit show. it is too bad they cut out most of the funny parts and made this a half serious movie.
let's go to prison gets two syringes of boat cleaner.
let's go to prison has some cheap laughs, a completely predictable plot arc, and a bunch of unidimensional stereotypes for characters. luckily, they realized they were making low-budget drek and embraced it, otherwise it would have been a real shit show. it is too bad they cut out most of the funny parts and made this a half serious movie.
let's go to prison gets two syringes of boat cleaner.
2016-08-07
assault on wall street
[IMDB] [Amazon]
assault on wall street was basically a remake of death wish, with wall street bankers in the role of the heartless thugs. i know we were all supposed to identify with the way the evil bankers screwed over the hapless hero guy, but the thing i kept thinking to myself was that if you do not bother to educate yourself about the things you are doing with your money, then maybe you should not be surprised if something bad happens. for example, if you obtain an adjustable rate mortgage, then you had better not be surprised when the rate gets adjusted. it is right there in the name.
assault on wall street was basically a remake of death wish, with wall street bankers in the role of the heartless thugs. i know we were all supposed to identify with the way the evil bankers screwed over the hapless hero guy, but the thing i kept thinking to myself was that if you do not bother to educate yourself about the things you are doing with your money, then maybe you should not be surprised if something bad happens. for example, if you obtain an adjustable rate mortgage, then you had better not be surprised when the rate gets adjusted. it is right there in the name.
it was hard to sympathize with the protagonist because he apparently signed up for every bad-idea investment possible and did not read a goddamn one of the papers he signed. this is not very compassionate of me, but i kind of feel like people need to take responsibility for educating themselves about things that are of critical importance to them. i also feel that if they do not get around to educating themselves, then they do not get to take it out on others. i especially feel that murder should be right out, and i am greatly displeased by a film that depicts this kind of behavior in a favourable light.
assault on wall street gets one cop who looks the other way, like an asshole.
assault on wall street gets one cop who looks the other way, like an asshole.
2016-08-05
the big short
[IMDB] [Amazon]
the big short was sort of entertaining, largely due to ryan gosling's efforts, but also because steve carell was not painful to watch, for a change. i think they were trying to show the protagonists to be just as big a bunch of assholes as the bankers that they were up against, and they portrayed the struggle as if it were between the bankers. however, it was really kind of a self-serving vision. they paid lip service to the common people who both the protagonists and antagonists were *really* up against, and as a result, the cynicism that caked this movie from top to bottom fell flat. i guess this story might have worked better in documentary format? i am probably biased, since i think "based on a true story" is the most useless thing you can say about any work of fiction.
while i am complaining, all this crap with the characters addressing the camera was completely misplaced. i *think* they did it because otherwise the educational materials ("cyril figgis explains how derivatives work") would have been too jarring, but i really only like being addressed by characters that i either like or admire, and i had neither sentiment for any character in this movie. except maybe angry vinny, who would have been my absolute favorite if ryan gosling had not stolen both the show and my heart first. anyway, there was too much entertainment stuffed into the educational materials, and it seemed pitched more so the audience would only clearly understand very simple, biased viewpoints, such as "CDO == bad." this was a supremely annoying dilution of the educational value, and i doubt that very many people really learned anything about the financial instruments in question. as a further data point, i submit to you that i had to pause the movie at least five times to explain something or another to the rest of the audience.
the big short gets three ARMs, barely.
the big short was sort of entertaining, largely due to ryan gosling's efforts, but also because steve carell was not painful to watch, for a change. i think they were trying to show the protagonists to be just as big a bunch of assholes as the bankers that they were up against, and they portrayed the struggle as if it were between the bankers. however, it was really kind of a self-serving vision. they paid lip service to the common people who both the protagonists and antagonists were *really* up against, and as a result, the cynicism that caked this movie from top to bottom fell flat. i guess this story might have worked better in documentary format? i am probably biased, since i think "based on a true story" is the most useless thing you can say about any work of fiction.
while i am complaining, all this crap with the characters addressing the camera was completely misplaced. i *think* they did it because otherwise the educational materials ("cyril figgis explains how derivatives work") would have been too jarring, but i really only like being addressed by characters that i either like or admire, and i had neither sentiment for any character in this movie. except maybe angry vinny, who would have been my absolute favorite if ryan gosling had not stolen both the show and my heart first. anyway, there was too much entertainment stuffed into the educational materials, and it seemed pitched more so the audience would only clearly understand very simple, biased viewpoints, such as "CDO == bad." this was a supremely annoying dilution of the educational value, and i doubt that very many people really learned anything about the financial instruments in question. as a further data point, i submit to you that i had to pause the movie at least five times to explain something or another to the rest of the audience.
the big short gets three ARMs, barely.
2016-08-04
phenomenon
[IMDB] [Amazon]
phenomenon is a story about a creepy stalker who gets all kinds of cool brain powers and uses them to show off. the lesson, clearly, is that if you get cool brain powers, keep quiet and prosper from the shadows. also, if you are looking for lessons, try not to learn anything about how ok it is to be a creepy stalker from this movie.
also, if you have brain powers and are looking for ways to quietly profit, look me up. i promise to only use your powers for good. well, things that i deem good, anyway.
phenomenon gets two books every night.
phenomenon is a story about a creepy stalker who gets all kinds of cool brain powers and uses them to show off. the lesson, clearly, is that if you get cool brain powers, keep quiet and prosper from the shadows. also, if you are looking for lessons, try not to learn anything about how ok it is to be a creepy stalker from this movie.
also, if you have brain powers and are looking for ways to quietly profit, look me up. i promise to only use your powers for good. well, things that i deem good, anyway.
phenomenon gets two books every night.
pandemic
[IMDB] [Amazon]
the only interesting thing about pandemic is the first person camera work. everything else is dumb. and actually, the first person camera work is pretty dumb, too. hilariously, the zombies were kind of smart, but i mean that in the sense that they were intelligent, not that they made this movie better.
it has been forever since i have seen a decent zombie movie. i think the last one was zombie strippers, which came out almost a decade ago. i suppose a decade is a mere blink of an eye for the undead, but i refuse to accept that as an excuse because the zombies are rarely responsible for the overall finished product. maybe that is what went wrong with pandemic.
pandemic gets one school bus, on which the wheels go round and round.
the only interesting thing about pandemic is the first person camera work. everything else is dumb. and actually, the first person camera work is pretty dumb, too. hilariously, the zombies were kind of smart, but i mean that in the sense that they were intelligent, not that they made this movie better.
it has been forever since i have seen a decent zombie movie. i think the last one was zombie strippers, which came out almost a decade ago. i suppose a decade is a mere blink of an eye for the undead, but i refuse to accept that as an excuse because the zombies are rarely responsible for the overall finished product. maybe that is what went wrong with pandemic.
pandemic gets one school bus, on which the wheels go round and round.
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