http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109965/
i stopped this one at 4 minutes, 40 seconds. it was that bad. then i thought to myself, "really? is it really that bad?" so i unpaused it and watched an additional 46 seconds before my self-preservation instincts overpowered my driving need for completeness and stopped it again.
my self-preservation instincts are getting smarter, thank goodness. time was, they would have tried to gouge my eyes out instead of simply pushing some variant of the "stop" button. dark days, my friends. dark days.
i give dark guyver one half of a fight scene.
2012-10-31
damage and recoil
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1314177/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1839591/
did you know that stone cold steve austin is in the movies? quite a few of them, actually. as far as i can tell, they are basically all john wayne movies. the main difference is that john wayne always played a man's man, while stone cold steve austin plays a gigantic man mountain with massive meat hooks of steel and a heart of gold.
let us be honest. these are not masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination. you are sure to find yourself completely unsurprised, unsympathetic, unenthusiastic, and unimpressed with anything you see in one of these. these are the kind of films you show to children to deaden them to the world and turn them into serial killers. but who cares? if you love america, apple pie, or your mother, then you should understand that it is your *duty* to watch stone cold steve austin wade through a few double handfuls of bad guys on his way to the denouement. this is not a human law. it is a natural law. from science.
i give both damage and recoil the same score, which is two slices of apple pie. (sorry, mom.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1839591/
did you know that stone cold steve austin is in the movies? quite a few of them, actually. as far as i can tell, they are basically all john wayne movies. the main difference is that john wayne always played a man's man, while stone cold steve austin plays a gigantic man mountain with massive meat hooks of steel and a heart of gold.
let us be honest. these are not masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination. you are sure to find yourself completely unsurprised, unsympathetic, unenthusiastic, and unimpressed with anything you see in one of these. these are the kind of films you show to children to deaden them to the world and turn them into serial killers. but who cares? if you love america, apple pie, or your mother, then you should understand that it is your *duty* to watch stone cold steve austin wade through a few double handfuls of bad guys on his way to the denouement. this is not a human law. it is a natural law. from science.
i give both damage and recoil the same score, which is two slices of apple pie. (sorry, mom.)
2012-10-12
the five year engagement
"this is really painful for me too," is the comment that my movie-watching cohort made to me. that is a great summary for this avalanche of agony. if you wanted to be more verbose, you could add that it was formulaic, predictable, and waaaaayyyy too long. this film could have been one hour and with five fewer actors. actually, 45 minutes, and five actors.
after giving it a little more consideration, i think it could have been 25 minutes and four actors.
actually, really thinking about it now, i could do it by myself in five minutes with a couple sock puppets, a party hat, and a bottle of cheap irish whiskey.
after giving it a little more consideration, i think it could have been 25 minutes and four actors.
actually, really thinking about it now, i could do it by myself in five minutes with a couple sock puppets, a party hat, and a bottle of cheap irish whiskey.
the five year engagement gets one sock puppet.
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