out of reach is another steven seagal vehicle, and you either already know what those are like or you are a very lucky person. i think this chat log says it all:
me: watching old steven seagal movie
out of reach
Jessica: What?
me: from 2004
Jessica: I still haven't seen any
me: it is AMAZINGLY CHEESY
Jessica: I love cheesy...
me: i am 3 minutes in
Jessica: ALL FLAVORS
me: and so far
HE SAVED A BIRD
HE WRITES LETTERS TO AN ORPHAN GIRL IN POLAND
THEY EXCHANGE CIPHERS
HE SENT ONE THAT SAYS FRIENDS 4EVER
Jessica: lolol
me: SHE IS TURNING 16
SISTER ONIDAS HAS "BIG PLANS" FOR HER
WHAT WILL HAPPEN
I WONDER
me: 15 minutes in
seagal is already in poland
the girl is alrady int he hands of the bad guys
the orphanage director is of course part of it
the best friend has been "made an example of"
and we have figured out how to validate the value pointed to by a pointer argument
me: so far seagal has beaten up a room full of cops and a couple thugs
Sent at 7:58 PM on Saturday
Jessica: Was she raped?
Is that what happened?
me: who?
lol
seagal guesses detective's password on first try
he gave her a piercing gaze before he did it
he must be a keen observer of human nature
Jessica: So today us Saturday
Or caturday as the internet calls it
me: its caturday, someboyd post some fuckin' cats
Sent at 8:03 PM on Saturday
Jessica: Lolol
Sent at 8:06 PM on Saturday
me: what is happening
Jessica: ?
me: he is also an electronics expert
"this is a simple problem of digital versus signal transfer"
what does that even mean
Sent at 8:09 PM on Saturday
me: the girl plays chess
NO SURPRISE
Sent at 8:10 PM on Saturday
me: they renamed irana to "lola"
hmm
he is walking into a big open room
must be time for a fight
oops, no fight
for some reason this huge room has phones mounted on the walls
nobody answers them
but a robot does or something?
Jessica: Sounds like a drug trip
me: WILL SEAGAL ROMANCE THE YOUNG BLONDE POLICE DETECTIVE?
Sent at 8:16 PM on Saturday
me: OR WILL THEY MERELY BE COLLEAGUES
HE WILL HAVE TO SAVE HER EITHER WAY, OF COURSE
there we go
shooter hit the cop, missed the seagal
Jessica: Nice
Sharp shooter
me: he is doing surgery on her in the kitchen
Jessica: Lolol
me: why is he even doing this
SHE IS A COP
JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL
Sent at 8:19 PM on Saturday
me: she should totally sue him for malpactice
fucking surgery with a butterknife
if you do surgery on me with a butterknife when there is a perfectly good hospital down the road, i will drop you like a bad habit
Sent at 8:22 PM on Saturday
me: the cops who were after seagal in america are in poland now
connecting with teh bad guy
"we have a shared interesting...in putting an old dog out of his misery"
lulz
the bad guy drugged the girl to beat her at chess
Jessica: What the ef
me: i know, right
ogmomgomg
she encoded a message to seagal in the hors de ourvers
Sent at 8:27 PM on Saturday
me: huh oh
things getting dangerous
seagal sends the cop and kid out of town
Sent at 8:29 PM on Saturday
me: jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez
i am swimming in plot pointers here
Sent at 8:30 PM on Saturday
me: er
what
seagal is suddenly in a whorehouse
he was just at the embassy a second ago
i must have missed something
Jessica: How?
me: ?
Jessica: I think you're making this up
me: HE JUST RENTED A GIRL
I AM SO LOST
Sent at 8:37 PM on Saturday
me: ok i am back
thank goodness there is only about 20 minutes left to this train wreck
the cop and the kid are driving
SURPRISE
THEY ARE GOIG TO TURN AROUND AND GO BACK
Sent at 8:49 PM on Saturday
me: aw
touching reunion
Sent at 8:51 PM on Saturday
me: i feel like my brain is being gang raped
lulz
"how many men can you give me?"
"five should be enough"
FOR STEVEN SEAGAL?
HA!
Sent at 8:53 PM on Saturday
me: SHOOTOUT IN THE WHOREHOUSE
i am nto sure what happened there
four or five of the bad buys went down
but there are still five of the seven left
oh noes
the cop got a bar tipped over on top of her
Sent at 8:58 PM on Saturday
me: luckily steven seagal was able to kill everything that moves
alright
time to go save the girl
finally
XD
they are going to settle it outside "like men"
TREATCHERY
BAD GUY GRABBED A SWORD
WE SAW HIM PRACTICING AND BEING BLOODTHIRSTY AND AWESOME AT IT EARLIER
Sent at 9:01 PM on Saturday
me: this is some of the worst choreography i have ever seen
Sent at 9:03 PM on Saturday
me: i bet you are wondering who won
i will not tell you
i do not want to ruin the movie for you
Sent at 9:05 PM on Saturday
me: hello?
Jessica: Hullo!
Sent at 9:08 PM on Saturday
me: i think i am going to use the chat log as the movie review
i am going to give it one rose
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