http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1333125
movie 43 is a film whose time has clearly come. the specific time i am referring to is, of course, the end of times.
it has been said that the moviegoing public does not get the experience they wish for, but rather, the one they deserve. movie 43 disproves that statement by virtue of the fact that the moviegoing public would have to be made up completely of serial paedophile necromorph nazi power rangers in order to deserve an atrocity like this.
let me put it another way. suppose you were strapped down to a table while a serial paedophile necromorph nazi power ranger used a pair of pliers to pull out your hairs, fingernails, etc one-by-one, demanding that you laugh uncontrollably the entire time. suppose that he filmed the whole thing from multiple angles. suppose that he edited the resulting film, added a laugh track, and marketed it as a feature film. suppose he called it "movie 43." you might be asking yourself whether this actually happened. the answer is "maybe."
movie 43 gets one fart joke. YOYO!
2013-10-22
2013-10-11
flight
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1907668
flight was great. i may have a teeny, tiny crush on THE DENZEL. just a very small one. FOR THE GREATEST ACTOR WHO HAS EVER LIVED. almost as cool as THE ROCK.
flight was also tragic. i am not sure what would happen if dwayne johnson tried to portray an alcoholic. werenazis, probably.
flight gets four inverted immelmanns.
flight was great. i may have a teeny, tiny crush on THE DENZEL. just a very small one. FOR THE GREATEST ACTOR WHO HAS EVER LIVED. almost as cool as THE ROCK.
flight was also tragic. i am not sure what would happen if dwayne johnson tried to portray an alcoholic. werenazis, probably.
flight gets four inverted immelmanns.
2013-09-27
mud
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1935179/
what i learned from watching mud is that women are precious princesses that need to be protected. with violence, if at all possible. also, that kids are like tiny adults, but wiser, more perceptive, and more honest. also also, that matthew mcconaughey is a wizard. my whole world has been turned upside down.
despite the ridiculousness, mud was a somewhat entertaining film espousing values that were not completely abhorent. it could have been a lot worse. for example, there could have been nazis. or a werewolf. or a werenazi. werenazis are tough, man. no. joke.
mud gets two nazis.
what i learned from watching mud is that women are precious princesses that need to be protected. with violence, if at all possible. also, that kids are like tiny adults, but wiser, more perceptive, and more honest. also also, that matthew mcconaughey is a wizard. my whole world has been turned upside down.
despite the ridiculousness, mud was a somewhat entertaining film espousing values that were not completely abhorent. it could have been a lot worse. for example, there could have been nazis. or a werewolf. or a werenazi. werenazis are tough, man. no. joke.
mud gets two nazis.
2013-09-22
sexy beast
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0203119
i had a hard time figuring out what sexy beast was trying to be about, but i am prepared to believe that i was just being obtuse. anyway, there was nothing exceptional about this film. there were no real surprises plot-wise, and there were *way* too many old fat guys in their underwear.
sexy beast gets two cigarettes.
i had a hard time figuring out what sexy beast was trying to be about, but i am prepared to believe that i was just being obtuse. anyway, there was nothing exceptional about this film. there were no real surprises plot-wise, and there were *way* too many old fat guys in their underwear.
sexy beast gets two cigarettes.
2013-09-14
world war z
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711
when the zombie apocalypse comes, i sure do hope that the zombies are slow. that was my big takeaway from world war z, where the zombies not only rival cheetahs speed-wise, but the transformation from human to zombie takes 12 seconds, tops. or as sun tzu said, there is no combat without movement, nor is there a zombie apocalypse.
world war z had plenty of issues that rendered the overall story incredibly implausible, but it also got me to thinking about how the zombies could possibly be explained as a realistic phenomenon. they said something about a virus in the movie, but i find it difficult to believe that any virus, bacteria, or parasite could have anything like that kind of effect, especially on the 10-12 second time scale. however, since i am basically stupid, i knew i would have to enlist the aid of an expert to really attempt to answer this question. that is how i ended up consulting with "jessica," who claims to have gotten a passing grade in a fungus class she took. we worked it out. the zombies are actually not completely implausible.
first, the pathogen is a fungus. it has to be placed correctly in order to thrive, which is why blood in the mouth was not enough to infect brad pitt. i mean, aside of that the plot called for him to not be infected right at the beginning of the movie. the spores take hold and start producing mycelium, which produces a neurotoxin. the neurotoxin hits the nervous system like a ton of bricks and just makes everything fire. this is the part where the victim is writhing on the ground groaning. there are also some enzymes or something in there that essentially program the reptile part of the brain to GO EAT EVERYTHING THAT SMELLS LIKE A HEALTHY HUMAN. the enzymes have to travel through the blood to get to the brain, but that is ok because the neurotoxin is keeping everything firing, which includes the heart. so that is why you have a bunch of twitching before the thirst for human flesh begins. the programming does not have to do anything complicated with the brain's higher-level functions, which is why zombies do not have memory or emotion or tool use.
i, um, may not have gotten all those details right, but i am far too lazy to have jessica edit my draft before i publish. anyway, the point is that this could kind of work. we could make zombies that were kind of like this. and if we do not do it ourselves, someone else will. that is why i am taking this project to kickstarter. look for it in the coming months! might i suggest the $25K membership level? it will come with a reservation for you and up to two loved ones in a bunker which is guaranteed to be zombie-free at the time the outbreak begins.
world war z gets two satellite phones.
when the zombie apocalypse comes, i sure do hope that the zombies are slow. that was my big takeaway from world war z, where the zombies not only rival cheetahs speed-wise, but the transformation from human to zombie takes 12 seconds, tops. or as sun tzu said, there is no combat without movement, nor is there a zombie apocalypse.
world war z had plenty of issues that rendered the overall story incredibly implausible, but it also got me to thinking about how the zombies could possibly be explained as a realistic phenomenon. they said something about a virus in the movie, but i find it difficult to believe that any virus, bacteria, or parasite could have anything like that kind of effect, especially on the 10-12 second time scale. however, since i am basically stupid, i knew i would have to enlist the aid of an expert to really attempt to answer this question. that is how i ended up consulting with "jessica," who claims to have gotten a passing grade in a fungus class she took. we worked it out. the zombies are actually not completely implausible.
first, the pathogen is a fungus. it has to be placed correctly in order to thrive, which is why blood in the mouth was not enough to infect brad pitt. i mean, aside of that the plot called for him to not be infected right at the beginning of the movie. the spores take hold and start producing mycelium, which produces a neurotoxin. the neurotoxin hits the nervous system like a ton of bricks and just makes everything fire. this is the part where the victim is writhing on the ground groaning. there are also some enzymes or something in there that essentially program the reptile part of the brain to GO EAT EVERYTHING THAT SMELLS LIKE A HEALTHY HUMAN. the enzymes have to travel through the blood to get to the brain, but that is ok because the neurotoxin is keeping everything firing, which includes the heart. so that is why you have a bunch of twitching before the thirst for human flesh begins. the programming does not have to do anything complicated with the brain's higher-level functions, which is why zombies do not have memory or emotion or tool use.
i, um, may not have gotten all those details right, but i am far too lazy to have jessica edit my draft before i publish. anyway, the point is that this could kind of work. we could make zombies that were kind of like this. and if we do not do it ourselves, someone else will. that is why i am taking this project to kickstarter. look for it in the coming months! might i suggest the $25K membership level? it will come with a reservation for you and up to two loved ones in a bunker which is guaranteed to be zombie-free at the time the outbreak begins.
world war z gets two satellite phones.
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