http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109965/
i stopped this one at 4 minutes, 40 seconds. it was that bad. then i thought to myself, "really? is it really that bad?" so i unpaused it and watched an additional 46 seconds before my self-preservation instincts overpowered my driving need for completeness and stopped it again.
my self-preservation instincts are getting smarter, thank goodness. time was, they would have tried to gouge my eyes out instead of simply pushing some variant of the "stop" button. dark days, my friends. dark days.
i give dark guyver one half of a fight scene.
2012-10-31
damage and recoil
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1314177/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1839591/
did you know that stone cold steve austin is in the movies? quite a few of them, actually. as far as i can tell, they are basically all john wayne movies. the main difference is that john wayne always played a man's man, while stone cold steve austin plays a gigantic man mountain with massive meat hooks of steel and a heart of gold.
let us be honest. these are not masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination. you are sure to find yourself completely unsurprised, unsympathetic, unenthusiastic, and unimpressed with anything you see in one of these. these are the kind of films you show to children to deaden them to the world and turn them into serial killers. but who cares? if you love america, apple pie, or your mother, then you should understand that it is your *duty* to watch stone cold steve austin wade through a few double handfuls of bad guys on his way to the denouement. this is not a human law. it is a natural law. from science.
i give both damage and recoil the same score, which is two slices of apple pie. (sorry, mom.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1839591/
did you know that stone cold steve austin is in the movies? quite a few of them, actually. as far as i can tell, they are basically all john wayne movies. the main difference is that john wayne always played a man's man, while stone cold steve austin plays a gigantic man mountain with massive meat hooks of steel and a heart of gold.
let us be honest. these are not masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination. you are sure to find yourself completely unsurprised, unsympathetic, unenthusiastic, and unimpressed with anything you see in one of these. these are the kind of films you show to children to deaden them to the world and turn them into serial killers. but who cares? if you love america, apple pie, or your mother, then you should understand that it is your *duty* to watch stone cold steve austin wade through a few double handfuls of bad guys on his way to the denouement. this is not a human law. it is a natural law. from science.
i give both damage and recoil the same score, which is two slices of apple pie. (sorry, mom.)
2012-10-12
the five year engagement
"this is really painful for me too," is the comment that my movie-watching cohort made to me. that is a great summary for this avalanche of agony. if you wanted to be more verbose, you could add that it was formulaic, predictable, and waaaaayyyy too long. this film could have been one hour and with five fewer actors. actually, 45 minutes, and five actors.
after giving it a little more consideration, i think it could have been 25 minutes and four actors.
actually, really thinking about it now, i could do it by myself in five minutes with a couple sock puppets, a party hat, and a bottle of cheap irish whiskey.
after giving it a little more consideration, i think it could have been 25 minutes and four actors.
actually, really thinking about it now, i could do it by myself in five minutes with a couple sock puppets, a party hat, and a bottle of cheap irish whiskey.
the five year engagement gets one sock puppet.
2012-09-24
2012-09-20
the cabin in the woods
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1259521/
the cabin in the woods is a horror movie, but it is not the horror movie you think it is when you first start watching it. this is made somewhat obvious by the opening moments, so i guess i am not giving a whole lot away here. there was little enough gore that i could bear to watch it, anyway. the dialogue and plot were classic whedon, which is another way of saying it is at least worth watching.
the most interesting part of the film is how the trailer ties into it. if joss whedon were not involved, i would just assume that the people who made the trailers did so without regard for what they were giving away, but since whedon is in the mix, i have to wonder whether he did it on purpose, to further heighten the audience's sense of knowing what is going to happen...when in fact, the audience does *not* know what is going to happen, because, as mentioned earlier, the horror movie you think it is is not the horror movie it actually is. i did not really spend too much time thinking about that because i am too pretty to have deep thoughts, but i am sure there is a thesis in there somewhere.
i give cabin in the woods four mermen.
the cabin in the woods is a horror movie, but it is not the horror movie you think it is when you first start watching it. this is made somewhat obvious by the opening moments, so i guess i am not giving a whole lot away here. there was little enough gore that i could bear to watch it, anyway. the dialogue and plot were classic whedon, which is another way of saying it is at least worth watching.
the most interesting part of the film is how the trailer ties into it. if joss whedon were not involved, i would just assume that the people who made the trailers did so without regard for what they were giving away, but since whedon is in the mix, i have to wonder whether he did it on purpose, to further heighten the audience's sense of knowing what is going to happen...when in fact, the audience does *not* know what is going to happen, because, as mentioned earlier, the horror movie you think it is is not the horror movie it actually is. i did not really spend too much time thinking about that because i am too pretty to have deep thoughts, but i am sure there is a thesis in there somewhere.
i give cabin in the woods four mermen.
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