take me

[IMDB] [Amazon]

take me is a tale about nevermind because it does not matter.  the acting was just not good enough to pull this one off. the chemistry was not there, and neither of the leads held the screen very well on their own. do not even get me started on the writing. who signed off on this ridiculous premise?

i actually have a whole bunch of things i could say about running a kidnapping business, but i just cannot believe that i have to say them.  i also want to avoid making any more buzz for this drek fest. so let me summarize by saying that if you are going to kidnap somebody, do try not to be such a fucking amateur about it?

take me gets one preposterously flawed turn of events after another.

the dark tower

[IMDB] [Amazon]

so sure, i read and loved the dark tower books, as well as almost everything else Stephen King has written, but i do not expect anybody to make a movie which translates the books directly to the screen. King has been writing a long time and has a good idea how to fully utilize the novel format, which i expect to make it even harder to make a film which is "true" to the books. so i am not surprised that the filmmakers went a different direction with the assignment, as it were.

still.

what the fuck was that? it was like some kind of crazy mishmash of things that appeared across like eight different Stephen King novels. and Jake has the shine now? seriously. i would have been a lot happier if they had just movieified wolves of the calla or wizard and glass.

the dark tower gets two souls in the man in black's pocket. one of the souls was because i wanted to like it more than it actually deserved.

the babysitter

[IMDB]

i have this new thing i am doing where i shut off bad movies rather than finish watching them. basically acknowledging my extremely finite lifespan and deciding that maybe i should spend it on more worthwhile things than low budget drek. but then i thought to myself, schmolli, what about your readers? and also, what do you have to do that is more important than watching low budget drek?

so anyway, i started watching low budget drek again. you will be pleased to hear that netflix has plenty of it available for streaming, and in fact, they even started producing it, i guess because they want to stop paying royalties on the crap they currently have in their library.

man, when an i going to start taking about this movie? very soon now, i assure you.

i first noticed netflix was funding lower budget stuff while watching standup specials. they started with big names, but now a lot of them could charitably be referred to as... small names. by this point i am pretty well convinced that they would be willing to fund a schmolli standup special, which would probably consist of me standing on a stage reading old movie reviews in my robo-schmolli voice.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. WELL HELLO PITTSBURG. WHAT A GREAT CROWD. LET US GET TO KNOW OUR AUDIENCE. YOU, SIR. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A BABYSITTER. NO, I THOUGHT NOT. JUST AS WELL, I DO NOT KNOW ANY BABYSITTER JOKES.

ANYWHO, I WILL NOW COMMENCE MY ROBO-SCHMOLLI REVIEW COMEDY SPECIAL.

THE BABYSITTER IS SUPPOSEDLY A COMEDY SLASH HORROR MOVIE, BUT I THINK I WOULD CALL IT MORE OF A STEAMING SLASH STINKING MOVIE. AT ANY RATE, NOT FUNNY AND NOT SCARY. ALSO NONE OF THE SEXY STUFF WAS SEXY. NETFLIX PLEASE.

THE BABYSITTER GETS ONE EXTREMELY IMPROBABLE KILL AFTER ANOTHER.

lol zone 2

[IMDB] [Amazon]

autocorrect decided that this movie should be called lol zone 2 instead of kill zone 2, and who am i to argue? in honor of autocorrect continuous and constant fuckups, i have decided to write this entire review without correcting autocorrect. let us see how correct the review ends up being. send to be going really well so far!

i am not going to lie, i watched this movie because Tony has was in it, because i loved him in Ong Bak. and, just like every other Tony has movie i have watched, i was so disappointed. is here trying to act or something? man, go with your strengths! beat some bad guys up!

anyway, they bakery this movie as an action movie, but there is really very little action per unit time. half the fight since are so confusing you cannot tell what is going on anyway. for example, the one where somebody, i thought it was the bad guys, sore up at the surgery and then one of them carves his way through the rest and then take it the cops who were guessing the underling donor guy? my best guess is that actually the guys who showed up were well-dressed cops and there was just one bad guy who was following them in.

another thing i would like to complain about is that so many of these action movies feature fight since where everyone is happy to just do superficial damage. the fights would be over so much more wiggly if anybody was delivering am extra disabling blow when they get a chance. i mean seriously, break s leg or something.

lol zone 2 gets two smartphones that i could not figure out who it belonged to until pretty much the end, except i think it was supposed to be obvious.

the beaver

[IMDB] [Amazon]

the beaver is essentially a remake of dumbo, swapping out dumbo for a human, the magic feather for a beaver puppet, and flying for severe depression.  so, a bit darker than the disney classic.  alas, the beaver brings nothing new to the table, unless you count self-mutilation.  which i do not.

i know the bar is low when it comes to understanding and dealing with mental illness, especially in the movies, so i should probably not be unhappy with the way the beaver portrays things, but i am unhappy with it anyway.  depression is some bad shit, man.  you do not just strap on a beaver and  fix it in a couple weeks.  also, i am pretty sure that what they were showing was a schizophrenic break, which is a whole other can of worms, but take that assessment with a grain of salt because not only am i not a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, i cannot even consistently remember what the difference is between a psychologist and a psychiatrist. one of them can give you drugs?

the beaver gets one hand saw. get it?