http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2119474
maximum conviction is about 15 minutes of exposition, 70 minutes of shooting, and 15 minutes of decomposition. there was no pacing, acting, or character development. nobody learned anything. just shooting. bonus: stone cold steve austin does one-liners now!
maximum conviction gets two charges of attempted entertainment.
2013-03-21
2013-03-17
boy wonder
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1456060
boy wonder is helped immensely by having low expectations. you should not take that to mean that i thought it was bad. in fact, i thought just about everything about it was quite reasonable, and the overall package is outright pleasing.
the main thing i want to complain about is the heavy reuse of this screechy background sound in some of the outdoor scenes. it was just enough in the background that i could not quite tell whether it was background in the movie or something happening outside my window. this lead to a comedic series of pause/unpause events where i attempted to determine where the sound was coming from, just in case there was a fire and i needed to evacuate the building or something. some people say you do not *really* need to evacuate unless you can smell smoke, but i am more of an exit-in-an-orderly-manner-long-before-it-is-emergency-time kind of guy.
by the way, hot tip: if you are a vigilante, maybe consider not hanging around the police station too much. you know who is at the police station? the police. idiot. i am not holding it against the movie because the character in question was only 16 or so, which makes this mistake more realistic than stupid. i am only calling it out in case there are any vigilantes reading this review who have not figured that one out yet. schmolli has your back.
boy wonder gets four obscure poison/chemicals.
boy wonder is helped immensely by having low expectations. you should not take that to mean that i thought it was bad. in fact, i thought just about everything about it was quite reasonable, and the overall package is outright pleasing.
the main thing i want to complain about is the heavy reuse of this screechy background sound in some of the outdoor scenes. it was just enough in the background that i could not quite tell whether it was background in the movie or something happening outside my window. this lead to a comedic series of pause/unpause events where i attempted to determine where the sound was coming from, just in case there was a fire and i needed to evacuate the building or something. some people say you do not *really* need to evacuate unless you can smell smoke, but i am more of an exit-in-an-orderly-manner-long-before-it-is-emergency-time kind of guy.
by the way, hot tip: if you are a vigilante, maybe consider not hanging around the police station too much. you know who is at the police station? the police. idiot. i am not holding it against the movie because the character in question was only 16 or so, which makes this mistake more realistic than stupid. i am only calling it out in case there are any vigilantes reading this review who have not figured that one out yet. schmolli has your back.
boy wonder gets four obscure poison/chemicals.
the crow: wicked prayer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0353324
since i watched the third crow movie, i figured i might as well watch the fourth crow movie. i really need to hire somebody to follow me around and slap me silly when i get a stupid idea like that.
i thought there might be trouble when i saw that david boreanaz was the headliner in this movie. however, it was not until the opening credits, when i saw that both tara reid and dennis hopper also starred, that i realized just how bad it was going to be. and then, when i discovered that danny trejo was also in it, i realized it was going to be truly abysmal. unfortunately, this pile of crap fully lived up to my expectations.
i like danny trejo, i really do. he usually plays awesome characters--this movie was an exception to that rule--but he also usually appears in terrible movies. for the other three, i do not like them and they always appear in terrible movies.
anyway, the point is that i give it one horseman. there are so many things i could say, but i feel that the most merciful option is to leave it at that.
since i watched the third crow movie, i figured i might as well watch the fourth crow movie. i really need to hire somebody to follow me around and slap me silly when i get a stupid idea like that.
i thought there might be trouble when i saw that david boreanaz was the headliner in this movie. however, it was not until the opening credits, when i saw that both tara reid and dennis hopper also starred, that i realized just how bad it was going to be. and then, when i discovered that danny trejo was also in it, i realized it was going to be truly abysmal. unfortunately, this pile of crap fully lived up to my expectations.
i like danny trejo, i really do. he usually plays awesome characters--this movie was an exception to that rule--but he also usually appears in terrible movies. for the other three, i do not like them and they always appear in terrible movies.
anyway, the point is that i give it one horseman. there are so many things i could say, but i feel that the most merciful option is to leave it at that.
the crow: salvation
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132910
i loved the first crow movie, and i must have watched it thirty times. i vaguely remember being especially impressed that the "good guy" was not a particularly good guy. also, i was really into the cure at the time.
i saw the second crow movie only once. i was not sleeping much in those days, so all i really remember about it was that the bad guy drank the crow's blood or something like that to become immortal. i have no idea whether my memory corresponds in any way to what actually happened in that one, but anyway, i intensely disliked it.
this is the third crow movie. given the second one, it could only get better, but it was stil not that good. it seemed to me that they recycled too many of the scenes from the first one, or possibly they were trying to do some kind of homage thing. as usual, the bad guy was a shadowy figure who was not directly responsible for the crow guy's death. as usual, the bad guy has a weird sister. as usual, the bad guy and his sister come up with a plan to take away the crow guy's super powers for the big showdown. as usual, the crow guy wins anyway. surprise!
the third crow movie gets two bloody tears.
i loved the first crow movie, and i must have watched it thirty times. i vaguely remember being especially impressed that the "good guy" was not a particularly good guy. also, i was really into the cure at the time.
i saw the second crow movie only once. i was not sleeping much in those days, so all i really remember about it was that the bad guy drank the crow's blood or something like that to become immortal. i have no idea whether my memory corresponds in any way to what actually happened in that one, but anyway, i intensely disliked it.
this is the third crow movie. given the second one, it could only get better, but it was stil not that good. it seemed to me that they recycled too many of the scenes from the first one, or possibly they were trying to do some kind of homage thing. as usual, the bad guy was a shadowy figure who was not directly responsible for the crow guy's death. as usual, the bad guy has a weird sister. as usual, the bad guy and his sister come up with a plan to take away the crow guy's super powers for the big showdown. as usual, the crow guy wins anyway. surprise!
the third crow movie gets two bloody tears.
identity
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0309698
identity was not formulaic, but it was only mildly suspenseful, and the characters were not that interesting. the ending was fairly obvious well before it arrived, though it seemed to me that the killer could have been anybody, including one of the people who had already died. it was that kind of movie.
i give this one two identities. GUESS WHICH ONE IS THE KILLER.
identity was not formulaic, but it was only mildly suspenseful, and the characters were not that interesting. the ending was fairly obvious well before it arrived, though it seemed to me that the killer could have been anybody, including one of the people who had already died. it was that kind of movie.
i give this one two identities. GUESS WHICH ONE IS THE KILLER.
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