the samurai princess

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1412334/

this is the best movie that has ever existed.

this film is lacking in all of the classic criteria, such as plot (-1), acting (-1), special effects (-1), sound (-1), music (-1), dialogue (-1), character development (-1), and visuals (-1). you might be thinking to yourself that there is no way it could overcome such a deficit and rise above *every single other film* that exists. well, let me tell you how you are wrong.

the samurai princess includes all of the following:
- a scissors leg (+1)
- a chainsaw leg (+1)
- a detachable breast boomerang-like flying weapon thing (+1)
- cannibalism (+1)
- ninja/samurai cyborgs (+1)
- multiple off-camera mass dismemberments and piles of obviously-fake severed limbs (+1)
- a buddhist nun bent on revenge (+1)
- heavy metal and a guitar that can make windstorms (+1)
- a love triangle (+1)
- hot cyborg on cyborg action (+1)
- a chainsaw rocket (+1)
- staple gun first aid (+1)
- old friends turned bitter enemies (+1)
- a love rhombus (+2)
- samurai swords (+1)
- six different kinds of what the ??!? (+6)
- a cyborg penis that bites things off (+1)
- glowing ethereal sword-wielding arms (+1)

so you can see that that is like +24 from awesomeness, compared to the mere -8 from the classic criteria, for a grand total of +16. that is a lot, especially when you figure in that we are working on a five-point scale. it is simple math.

some people might contest the points for the love rhombus because it is arguably unclear whether the two cyborg hunters have any lesbian leanings. i say, whatever. you can find lesbians anywhere if you look hard enough, so just look harder.

some day, when i rule the world, i am going to dedicate entire countries to this movie. france for sure, unless they shape up and ship me another "banlieue 13." if they blow it and make another "cité des enfants perdus," then they are going straight onto the pile of obviously fake severed limbs, no second chances. i have not really decided on other countries yet, so i will probably pick them from a hat.

for those who are wondering, antarctica is safe from the chainsaws. penguin mistreatment is no laughing matter.