http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735898/
...and the winner for all-time worst speech, ever (2012), goes to...kristen steward, for the all-time worst speech, ever, that she gave in SWATH. this film also garnered a number of other awards, such as worst momentous statement (the blind dwarf,) worst use of charlize theron's talents (lucy bevan,) and most striking inability to count to seven (the writers.) i am pretty sure that the dwarf they killed off was because they were sitting there filming when the director turned to his pet screenwriter and said,
DIRECTOR: "excuse me, you."
SCREENWRITER: "yes, director?"
DIRECTOR: "do you see anything wrong with this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (not seeing anything, but knowing that the director would not ask if there were nothing to see--probably.) "n-n-no, director?"
DIRECTOR: "well, how many dwarfs would you say there were in 'snow white and the seven dwarfs?'"
SCREENWRITER: "s-s-seven? director, sir?"
DIRECTOR: "s-s-seven? or seven?"
SCREENWRITER: (gulps) "se-se-" (pauses) "seven, director."
DIRECTOR: "indeed." (turning away.) "how many dwarfs do you see in this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (counting) "eight?"
DIRECTOR: "eight WHAT?"
SCREENWRITER: "eight, director! sir!"
DIRECTOR: (nods, chuckling) "yes indeed. kill one of them for me, would you?"
and this is how you get seven dwarfs and a movie called snow white and the huntsman.
2012-06-18
2012-05-31
american shaolin
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101327/
american shaolin was infantile and racist. also, despite being made in the 90s, everybody had 80s hair.
they did a lot of moves that i am sure were meant to look fancy, but the flow was way off, which made it impossible to enjoy. the protagonist saw the love interest for about 5 minutes during the whole movie, so i am unclear on how he managed to woo her. what were those animated wooden kickboxing dummies, anyway? also, at the end, he took a giant dump on the chest of all the things he supposedly spent the entire movie learning.
this heinousness gets a single kick to the jaw. i would dearly love to kick it a few more times, but i am concerned that people might misconstrue the additional kicks as a higher rating.
american shaolin was infantile and racist. also, despite being made in the 90s, everybody had 80s hair.
they did a lot of moves that i am sure were meant to look fancy, but the flow was way off, which made it impossible to enjoy. the protagonist saw the love interest for about 5 minutes during the whole movie, so i am unclear on how he managed to woo her. what were those animated wooden kickboxing dummies, anyway? also, at the end, he took a giant dump on the chest of all the things he supposedly spent the entire movie learning.
this heinousness gets a single kick to the jaw. i would dearly love to kick it a few more times, but i am concerned that people might misconstrue the additional kicks as a higher rating.
2012-05-30
the avengers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/
the avengers is pretty much what you would expect it to be: a lot of noise and flashing lights, tastefully arranged with humorous one-liners. it does not aspire to greatness, which is why it does not fail.
many people express a certain amount of incredulity regarding the ability of regular (albeit highly-trained) humans like black widow or hawkeye to contribute meaningfully to a team that also contains gods and indestructible green monsters. well, these people are idiots. the storyteller is god, and they need to shut up and just enjoy the flashing lights.
the avengers gets a left, a right, and an uppercut. body slam!
the avengers is pretty much what you would expect it to be: a lot of noise and flashing lights, tastefully arranged with humorous one-liners. it does not aspire to greatness, which is why it does not fail.
many people express a certain amount of incredulity regarding the ability of regular (albeit highly-trained) humans like black widow or hawkeye to contribute meaningfully to a team that also contains gods and indestructible green monsters. well, these people are idiots. the storyteller is god, and they need to shut up and just enjoy the flashing lights.
the avengers gets a left, a right, and an uppercut. body slam!
2012-05-24
young adult
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1625346/
i love the way charlize theron plays emotional train wrecks. in young adult, she plays the luckier and more socially privileged version of the character she played in monster. so, less with the killing, and more with the harlotry. the main downside was that i do not enjoy watching train wrecks; so while the film did a fine job of showing what it was trying to show, i had difficulty liking it. also, every single character that was not charlize theron was pretty uni-dimensional. that is smart-person talk for "one-dimensional." did you know they have thesauruses online now? a thesaurus is a reference book you can use to find synonyms and antonyms for words. a synonym is a word that means more or less the same thing as the word it is a synonym for. antonyms are the same, except opposite.
they have dictionaries online now, too.
anyway, young adult gets three little toy dogs left in a hotel room all by themselves.
i love the way charlize theron plays emotional train wrecks. in young adult, she plays the luckier and more socially privileged version of the character she played in monster. so, less with the killing, and more with the harlotry. the main downside was that i do not enjoy watching train wrecks; so while the film did a fine job of showing what it was trying to show, i had difficulty liking it. also, every single character that was not charlize theron was pretty uni-dimensional. that is smart-person talk for "one-dimensional." did you know they have thesauruses online now? a thesaurus is a reference book you can use to find synonyms and antonyms for words. a synonym is a word that means more or less the same thing as the word it is a synonym for. antonyms are the same, except opposite.
they have dictionaries online now, too.
anyway, young adult gets three little toy dogs left in a hotel room all by themselves.
2012-05-17
kungfu cyborg: metallic attraction
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1494775/
kungfu cyborg is the story of a cyborg in love and the woman who loves him back, but does not know he is a cyborg. and the other cyborg who loved the same woman when he was a human except then he got killed and the original cyborg rebuilt him out of his original dna and spare parts from a different cyborg. and the human who also loves that same woman, but later falls for her sister instead. her sister is like 16!
it all makes sense if you watch it from the beginning. i give it two hearts not beating as one.
kungfu cyborg is the story of a cyborg in love and the woman who loves him back, but does not know he is a cyborg. and the other cyborg who loved the same woman when he was a human except then he got killed and the original cyborg rebuilt him out of his original dna and spare parts from a different cyborg. and the human who also loves that same woman, but later falls for her sister instead. her sister is like 16!
it all makes sense if you watch it from the beginning. i give it two hearts not beating as one.
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