http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0126816/
john woo's blackjack features the dumbest heroic weakness ever: fear of the color white. i mean, really? white? oh, but he is ok so long as he keeps his shades on. it was all tied to his father, who was a vegas card-counter. it was just one more thing in a string of things that did not make sense. you know what else does not make sense? me watching all these godawful movies.
blackjack gets an ace of diamonds. you might think that is awesome because an ace is a high-ranking card, but i would remind you that there is another interpretation, which is that it is the "one" card.
2012-11-21
2012-11-14
super mario bros
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108255/
with any luck, this will be the last entry in this fever-induced series of bad judgement calls.
at 1:37 (that is minutes:seconds, not hours:minutes) into the movie, it went from bad to worse. this is a new record. the previous holder of this record was guyver: dark hero, at 4:30.
when a voiceover explains the premise of the film to you in the opening scene, it is a bad sign. when the characters emphasize the plot in their opening scenes, it is a real bad sign. as bad as the plot was, though, it had nothing on the sound, scenery, acting, and costumes.
i made a movie once with some friends when i was in high school. actually, we made several movies. they were awful. what kind of production values do you expect from tenth graders? super mario bros is essentially the movie we would have made if it had occurred to us to rip off video games instead of movies like raiders of the lost ark. actually, there is one major advantage to the movies my friends and i made: they were much shorter.
super mario bros gets one goomba trooper.
with any luck, this will be the last entry in this fever-induced series of bad judgement calls.
at 1:37 (that is minutes:seconds, not hours:minutes) into the movie, it went from bad to worse. this is a new record. the previous holder of this record was guyver: dark hero, at 4:30.
when a voiceover explains the premise of the film to you in the opening scene, it is a bad sign. when the characters emphasize the plot in their opening scenes, it is a real bad sign. as bad as the plot was, though, it had nothing on the sound, scenery, acting, and costumes.
i made a movie once with some friends when i was in high school. actually, we made several movies. they were awful. what kind of production values do you expect from tenth graders? super mario bros is essentially the movie we would have made if it had occurred to us to rip off video games instead of movies like raiders of the lost ark. actually, there is one major advantage to the movies my friends and i made: they were much shorter.
super mario bros gets one goomba trooper.
only the strong
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107750/
troubled kids: threat, or menace? just kidding, this is an uplifting story about how martial arts can turn a troubled kid's life around. usually they do it with karate or something like that, but "only the strong" harnesses the beat-driven power of capoeira. other than flavour, you can really plug any kind of activity that requires discipline into a movie like this. the plot is the same.
so anyway. as far as martial arts films like this go, it had terrible acting, fighting, stunts, and morals. interestingly, they went with the non-standard message that fighting is encouraged. i imagine capoeira practitioners everywhere exercising one big, long, drawn-out wince that lasts the whole movie long.
only the strong gets one handstandy kick to the face. it would be less, but the scale does not go any lower than that. sorry.
troubled kids: threat, or menace? just kidding, this is an uplifting story about how martial arts can turn a troubled kid's life around. usually they do it with karate or something like that, but "only the strong" harnesses the beat-driven power of capoeira. other than flavour, you can really plug any kind of activity that requires discipline into a movie like this. the plot is the same.
so anyway. as far as martial arts films like this go, it had terrible acting, fighting, stunts, and morals. interestingly, they went with the non-standard message that fighting is encouraged. i imagine capoeira practitioners everywhere exercising one big, long, drawn-out wince that lasts the whole movie long.
only the strong gets one handstandy kick to the face. it would be less, but the scale does not go any lower than that. sorry.
armored
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0913354/
the fever-addled movie marathon continues. armored is the story of an all-american hero who is down on his luck and associates with persons of relaxed morals.
if you are going to steal "a lot of money" and you have to split it more than one way, expect problems. this is kind of a universal truth. since this is so well-known, everything about this movie is completely predictable. there were literally no surprises. none. like this review.
armored gets one dollar.
the fever-addled movie marathon continues. armored is the story of an all-american hero who is down on his luck and associates with persons of relaxed morals.
if you are going to steal "a lot of money" and you have to split it more than one way, expect problems. this is kind of a universal truth. since this is so well-known, everything about this movie is completely predictable. there were literally no surprises. none. like this review.
armored gets one dollar.
asylum
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804443/
i am out sick today, and i think the fever has made a mush out of my judgement because i would normally never watch a movie like this. with good reason: they are uniformly terrible. the formula: supernatural monster guy + handful of stereotypical college age kids + creepy setting = crap. the math works out.
as usual, the weaknesses that the evil monster guy will exploit were prominently displayed in the first ten minutes, as well as every device that was needed to propel the story along. dangerous catwalk leading to asylum area? accessed. weird and vaguely creepy groundskeeper? guy with plot-furthering information. strings guy? death by strings. slutty girl? abused as a child, death by...i dunno, something superficially related to that. the closest thing to a plot twist was that the jock douchebag was an ex-glutton (who died by being stabbed in the stomach or something like that.)
asylum gets one lobotomizing spike through the eye. both eyes. whatever.
i am out sick today, and i think the fever has made a mush out of my judgement because i would normally never watch a movie like this. with good reason: they are uniformly terrible. the formula: supernatural monster guy + handful of stereotypical college age kids + creepy setting = crap. the math works out.
as usual, the weaknesses that the evil monster guy will exploit were prominently displayed in the first ten minutes, as well as every device that was needed to propel the story along. dangerous catwalk leading to asylum area? accessed. weird and vaguely creepy groundskeeper? guy with plot-furthering information. strings guy? death by strings. slutty girl? abused as a child, death by...i dunno, something superficially related to that. the closest thing to a plot twist was that the jock douchebag was an ex-glutton (who died by being stabbed in the stomach or something like that.)
asylum gets one lobotomizing spike through the eye. both eyes. whatever.
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