http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110054/
legend of the red dragon is a fine piece of slapstick wherein jet li tells his son to kill with no mercy and other similar gems in the course of rearing him to be an upstanding young man. this film had it all. mother/daughter hustlers, shaolin kids, fake ghosts, an invincible man, a pit of boiling acid, and a transvestite monk. what else can you even put in a movie? jackie chan? actually, that would have been pretty cool.
legend of the red dragon gets three steel spears.
2012-09-01
2012-08-12
the dark knight rises
this batman movie was basically the same as the last one. except anne hathaway in a cat suit, it had that going for it.
i was immensely disappointed that the voice of bane was not actually max von sydow.
i rate it two (more) plot holes.
2012-07-11
extract
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1225822/
funny, but not too engaging. i was pleasantly surprised by the lack of extract- and ball-related jokes. also pleasantly surprised by how much ben affleck did not suck.
extract gets three gigolos.
funny, but not too engaging. i was pleasantly surprised by the lack of extract- and ball-related jokes. also pleasantly surprised by how much ben affleck did not suck.
extract gets three gigolos.
2012-07-03
prometheus
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1446714/
there was a lot to like about prometheus, which is why it is such a crime that they blew it by using outright stupid science. all you spacefarers, here are a couple pro tips: 1) do not take your helmet off just because the air composition is "breathable." 2) hostile/nervous alien creature approaching? kindly refrain from reaching out to pet it, especially if it looks like a snake that might try to crawl down your throat. those of you who saw tales from the darkside will recall that this rule also applies to cats.
otherwise, pretty enjoyable. i eagerly await the director's cut that will fix the mismatches between prometheus and alien.
there was a lot to like about prometheus, which is why it is such a crime that they blew it by using outright stupid science. all you spacefarers, here are a couple pro tips: 1) do not take your helmet off just because the air composition is "breathable." 2) hostile/nervous alien creature approaching? kindly refrain from reaching out to pet it, especially if it looks like a snake that might try to crawl down your throat. those of you who saw tales from the darkside will recall that this rule also applies to cats.
otherwise, pretty enjoyable. i eagerly await the director's cut that will fix the mismatches between prometheus and alien.
2012-06-18
snow white and the huntsman
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735898/
...and the winner for all-time worst speech, ever (2012), goes to...kristen steward, for the all-time worst speech, ever, that she gave in SWATH. this film also garnered a number of other awards, such as worst momentous statement (the blind dwarf,) worst use of charlize theron's talents (lucy bevan,) and most striking inability to count to seven (the writers.) i am pretty sure that the dwarf they killed off was because they were sitting there filming when the director turned to his pet screenwriter and said,
DIRECTOR: "excuse me, you."
SCREENWRITER: "yes, director?"
DIRECTOR: "do you see anything wrong with this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (not seeing anything, but knowing that the director would not ask if there were nothing to see--probably.) "n-n-no, director?"
DIRECTOR: "well, how many dwarfs would you say there were in 'snow white and the seven dwarfs?'"
SCREENWRITER: "s-s-seven? director, sir?"
DIRECTOR: "s-s-seven? or seven?"
SCREENWRITER: (gulps) "se-se-" (pauses) "seven, director."
DIRECTOR: "indeed." (turning away.) "how many dwarfs do you see in this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (counting) "eight?"
DIRECTOR: "eight WHAT?"
SCREENWRITER: "eight, director! sir!"
DIRECTOR: (nods, chuckling) "yes indeed. kill one of them for me, would you?"
and this is how you get seven dwarfs and a movie called snow white and the huntsman.
...and the winner for all-time worst speech, ever (2012), goes to...kristen steward, for the all-time worst speech, ever, that she gave in SWATH. this film also garnered a number of other awards, such as worst momentous statement (the blind dwarf,) worst use of charlize theron's talents (lucy bevan,) and most striking inability to count to seven (the writers.) i am pretty sure that the dwarf they killed off was because they were sitting there filming when the director turned to his pet screenwriter and said,
DIRECTOR: "excuse me, you."
SCREENWRITER: "yes, director?"
DIRECTOR: "do you see anything wrong with this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (not seeing anything, but knowing that the director would not ask if there were nothing to see--probably.) "n-n-no, director?"
DIRECTOR: "well, how many dwarfs would you say there were in 'snow white and the seven dwarfs?'"
SCREENWRITER: "s-s-seven? director, sir?"
DIRECTOR: "s-s-seven? or seven?"
SCREENWRITER: (gulps) "se-se-" (pauses) "seven, director."
DIRECTOR: "indeed." (turning away.) "how many dwarfs do you see in this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (counting) "eight?"
DIRECTOR: "eight WHAT?"
SCREENWRITER: "eight, director! sir!"
DIRECTOR: (nods, chuckling) "yes indeed. kill one of them for me, would you?"
and this is how you get seven dwarfs and a movie called snow white and the huntsman.
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