the bodyguard

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450996

the bodyguard?  you mean that movie from the 90s that starred whitney houston and kevin kostner?  no, not that one.  well then, you must mean the kurosawa movie which is better known as yojimbo?  no, not that one either.  rather, this is the thai slapstick martial arts movie which distinguishes itself from its contemporaries by aiming for horrible and then wildly exceeding expectations.  not in a good way.  i sat all the way through it--not proud of that--because at every point i thought to myself that it could not possibly get any worse.  as it happens, at every point, i was wrong.  so very, very wrong.  i am covered in the stench of wrongness, set adrift in a sea of sorrow and regret, captain and crew of a tugboat named misery.

why am i so stupid.  netflix recommendations have screwed me time after time, and still, i let myself be intrigued by the things they suggest.  here is how netflix described this one: "With plenty of martial arts action and a hefty dose of Thai humor, this crime comedy tells the story of hapless personal bodyguard Wong Kom."  they also list tony jaa as the headliner.  hoo boy.  where do the lies begin?  it is hard to tell because there are so many of them.

first of all, tony jaa, who is exceedingly watchable in a fight scene, only appears for a cameo.  he shows up to beat down a couple people for no discernible reason, then takes off.  this is the kind of movie where that sort of thing happens all the time.

secondly, the "martial arts action" is some of the stupidest stuff i have ever seen.  wire work for the sake of wire work?  wu shu?  kickboxing?  WHAT IS HAPPENING?

third, "thai humor" apparently consists of ridiculing homosexuals, poor people, and the mentally handicapped.  this aspect was probably the least offensive part of the movie.

the body guard gets one migraine.