http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1225822/
funny, but not too engaging. i was pleasantly surprised by the lack of extract- and ball-related jokes. also pleasantly surprised by how much ben affleck did not suck.
extract gets three gigolos.
2012-07-11
2012-07-03
prometheus
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1446714/
there was a lot to like about prometheus, which is why it is such a crime that they blew it by using outright stupid science. all you spacefarers, here are a couple pro tips: 1) do not take your helmet off just because the air composition is "breathable." 2) hostile/nervous alien creature approaching? kindly refrain from reaching out to pet it, especially if it looks like a snake that might try to crawl down your throat. those of you who saw tales from the darkside will recall that this rule also applies to cats.
otherwise, pretty enjoyable. i eagerly await the director's cut that will fix the mismatches between prometheus and alien.
there was a lot to like about prometheus, which is why it is such a crime that they blew it by using outright stupid science. all you spacefarers, here are a couple pro tips: 1) do not take your helmet off just because the air composition is "breathable." 2) hostile/nervous alien creature approaching? kindly refrain from reaching out to pet it, especially if it looks like a snake that might try to crawl down your throat. those of you who saw tales from the darkside will recall that this rule also applies to cats.
otherwise, pretty enjoyable. i eagerly await the director's cut that will fix the mismatches between prometheus and alien.
2012-06-18
snow white and the huntsman
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735898/
...and the winner for all-time worst speech, ever (2012), goes to...kristen steward, for the all-time worst speech, ever, that she gave in SWATH. this film also garnered a number of other awards, such as worst momentous statement (the blind dwarf,) worst use of charlize theron's talents (lucy bevan,) and most striking inability to count to seven (the writers.) i am pretty sure that the dwarf they killed off was because they were sitting there filming when the director turned to his pet screenwriter and said,
DIRECTOR: "excuse me, you."
SCREENWRITER: "yes, director?"
DIRECTOR: "do you see anything wrong with this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (not seeing anything, but knowing that the director would not ask if there were nothing to see--probably.) "n-n-no, director?"
DIRECTOR: "well, how many dwarfs would you say there were in 'snow white and the seven dwarfs?'"
SCREENWRITER: "s-s-seven? director, sir?"
DIRECTOR: "s-s-seven? or seven?"
SCREENWRITER: (gulps) "se-se-" (pauses) "seven, director."
DIRECTOR: "indeed." (turning away.) "how many dwarfs do you see in this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (counting) "eight?"
DIRECTOR: "eight WHAT?"
SCREENWRITER: "eight, director! sir!"
DIRECTOR: (nods, chuckling) "yes indeed. kill one of them for me, would you?"
and this is how you get seven dwarfs and a movie called snow white and the huntsman.
...and the winner for all-time worst speech, ever (2012), goes to...kristen steward, for the all-time worst speech, ever, that she gave in SWATH. this film also garnered a number of other awards, such as worst momentous statement (the blind dwarf,) worst use of charlize theron's talents (lucy bevan,) and most striking inability to count to seven (the writers.) i am pretty sure that the dwarf they killed off was because they were sitting there filming when the director turned to his pet screenwriter and said,
DIRECTOR: "excuse me, you."
SCREENWRITER: "yes, director?"
DIRECTOR: "do you see anything wrong with this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (not seeing anything, but knowing that the director would not ask if there were nothing to see--probably.) "n-n-no, director?"
DIRECTOR: "well, how many dwarfs would you say there were in 'snow white and the seven dwarfs?'"
SCREENWRITER: "s-s-seven? director, sir?"
DIRECTOR: "s-s-seven? or seven?"
SCREENWRITER: (gulps) "se-se-" (pauses) "seven, director."
DIRECTOR: "indeed." (turning away.) "how many dwarfs do you see in this scene?"
SCREENWRITER: (counting) "eight?"
DIRECTOR: "eight WHAT?"
SCREENWRITER: "eight, director! sir!"
DIRECTOR: (nods, chuckling) "yes indeed. kill one of them for me, would you?"
and this is how you get seven dwarfs and a movie called snow white and the huntsman.
2012-05-31
american shaolin
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101327/
american shaolin was infantile and racist. also, despite being made in the 90s, everybody had 80s hair.
they did a lot of moves that i am sure were meant to look fancy, but the flow was way off, which made it impossible to enjoy. the protagonist saw the love interest for about 5 minutes during the whole movie, so i am unclear on how he managed to woo her. what were those animated wooden kickboxing dummies, anyway? also, at the end, he took a giant dump on the chest of all the things he supposedly spent the entire movie learning.
this heinousness gets a single kick to the jaw. i would dearly love to kick it a few more times, but i am concerned that people might misconstrue the additional kicks as a higher rating.
american shaolin was infantile and racist. also, despite being made in the 90s, everybody had 80s hair.
they did a lot of moves that i am sure were meant to look fancy, but the flow was way off, which made it impossible to enjoy. the protagonist saw the love interest for about 5 minutes during the whole movie, so i am unclear on how he managed to woo her. what were those animated wooden kickboxing dummies, anyway? also, at the end, he took a giant dump on the chest of all the things he supposedly spent the entire movie learning.
this heinousness gets a single kick to the jaw. i would dearly love to kick it a few more times, but i am concerned that people might misconstrue the additional kicks as a higher rating.
2012-05-30
the avengers
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/
the avengers is pretty much what you would expect it to be: a lot of noise and flashing lights, tastefully arranged with humorous one-liners. it does not aspire to greatness, which is why it does not fail.
many people express a certain amount of incredulity regarding the ability of regular (albeit highly-trained) humans like black widow or hawkeye to contribute meaningfully to a team that also contains gods and indestructible green monsters. well, these people are idiots. the storyteller is god, and they need to shut up and just enjoy the flashing lights.
the avengers gets a left, a right, and an uppercut. body slam!
the avengers is pretty much what you would expect it to be: a lot of noise and flashing lights, tastefully arranged with humorous one-liners. it does not aspire to greatness, which is why it does not fail.
many people express a certain amount of incredulity regarding the ability of regular (albeit highly-trained) humans like black widow or hawkeye to contribute meaningfully to a team that also contains gods and indestructible green monsters. well, these people are idiots. the storyteller is god, and they need to shut up and just enjoy the flashing lights.
the avengers gets a left, a right, and an uppercut. body slam!
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