http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1706620
in snowpiercer, we have a post-apocalyptic world where the world is frozen and the only people who survived are on board a train that completes a circle on its track once a year. i am going to give you a paragraph break to let that sink in.
really? the last bastion of humanity is a *train*? we were not able to survive anywhere else? and if the train stops moving, everybody dies? what kind of super train is this, anyway? who has been maintaining the track for the last 18 YEARS? i know a thing or two about system reliability, and let me tell you, on an earth where the environment is hostile enough to have extinguished all but a small pocket of human life, the outlier is not going to be a train, and if it is, i guarantee that it is not going to last 18 years. also, 18 years is obviously not long enough for the herd to need to be thinned out by three quarters, especially when it has been thinned on at least two prior occasions. unless, of course, post apocalyptic humans reproduce and mature much more quickly. but enough of the factual nitpicking. the facts are not there to advance the story, they are there to set up the elements that allow this story to function as a metaphor for...whatever it is a metaphor.
i absolutely detest movies that only work as metaphors. get it straight, people. first, the story has to make sense. then, and only then, are you allowed to add layers. metaphors are the challenge mode, not the top line priority. to do otherwise is to make a metaphor where the part which is supposed to be grounded in reality is...deconstructivism or something. you might as well light a match and blow it all to hell.
snowpiercer gets two protein bars. i am awarding a full protein bar for chris evans's recounting of the train's early days because it was that good.
2014-12-05
2014-11-23
rage
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2401807
rage is the kind of [NOUN] where the form is already [ADJECTIVE], you just need to plug in a few specific [PL NOUN]. so no surprise that this is a nicholas cage [NOUN]. one thing that i think would have helped a lot is if [POPULAR ACTOR] had played the role of the [NOUN]. it would really have helped make this [NOUN] suck [ADVERB]. unfortunately, it would also have given away the completely [ADJECTIVE] ending by [PRESENT PARTICIPLE] attention to this otherwise unremarkable [NOUN].
rage gets one gerund.
rage is the kind of [NOUN] where the form is already [ADJECTIVE], you just need to plug in a few specific [PL NOUN]. so no surprise that this is a nicholas cage [NOUN]. one thing that i think would have helped a lot is if [POPULAR ACTOR] had played the role of the [NOUN]. it would really have helped make this [NOUN] suck [ADVERB]. unfortunately, it would also have given away the completely [ADJECTIVE] ending by [PRESENT PARTICIPLE] attention to this otherwise unremarkable [NOUN].
rage gets one gerund.
2014-11-06
the kids are all right
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0842926
this is a crying movie. i think everybody cried, except peeta, who you may recall was genetically engineered to not cry. (they show that part in the after-credit scenes.)
in addition, i suffered no small amount of confusion about the direction this film took in the last half hour or so. i got the part where there was reconciliation and crying, but i am unclear on what is going on with mark ruffalo. did he get his garden? is he the asshole? where is his family? is he still "hitting that?" what are the origins of the phrase "hitting that?"
oh, hey, no. i know what you are thinking, but actually, i am making an incredible hulk reference here. hulk smash.
the kids are all right gets two heirloom tomatoes.
this is a crying movie. i think everybody cried, except peeta, who you may recall was genetically engineered to not cry. (they show that part in the after-credit scenes.)
in addition, i suffered no small amount of confusion about the direction this film took in the last half hour or so. i got the part where there was reconciliation and crying, but i am unclear on what is going on with mark ruffalo. did he get his garden? is he the asshole? where is his family? is he still "hitting that?" what are the origins of the phrase "hitting that?"
oh, hey, no. i know what you are thinking, but actually, i am making an incredible hulk reference here. hulk smash.
the kids are all right gets two heirloom tomatoes.
non-stop
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2024469
i am up in the air about whether i think this was a horrible movie because it was horrible or it was a great movie because it prominently displays everything that is wrong with typical usian attitudes towards so-called security. i am going to go with "horrible" because otherwise i assume the tsa is going to feel me up more than usual the next time i have to fly. no need for any of that, i love america! pass the pringles and let us go root for our favorite sportsball teams!
ugh. and let me tell you, all of these chatty terrorists are killing me. not that i want to give tips to terrorists here, but guys, please. we have to talk. actually, you have to not talk. just whack the protagonist, escape, and blow the plane. if hollywood ever writes a terrorist who can manage to just operate that way, i will give them a dollar. the terrorists do not have to succeed, they just have to not blow it with excessive dialoguing. actually, if they could succeed by not blowing it with excessive dialogue, then i think that would be great because it would establish them as good role models for other hollywood terrorists to look up to.
non-stop gets 150 million dollars in a bank account in my name, or else i will write another horrible review every 20 minutes.
i am up in the air about whether i think this was a horrible movie because it was horrible or it was a great movie because it prominently displays everything that is wrong with typical usian attitudes towards so-called security. i am going to go with "horrible" because otherwise i assume the tsa is going to feel me up more than usual the next time i have to fly. no need for any of that, i love america! pass the pringles and let us go root for our favorite sportsball teams!
ugh. and let me tell you, all of these chatty terrorists are killing me. not that i want to give tips to terrorists here, but guys, please. we have to talk. actually, you have to not talk. just whack the protagonist, escape, and blow the plane. if hollywood ever writes a terrorist who can manage to just operate that way, i will give them a dollar. the terrorists do not have to succeed, they just have to not blow it with excessive dialoguing. actually, if they could succeed by not blowing it with excessive dialogue, then i think that would be great because it would establish them as good role models for other hollywood terrorists to look up to.
non-stop gets 150 million dollars in a bank account in my name, or else i will write another horrible review every 20 minutes.
2014-11-05
the dukes of hazzard
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377818
the good part of watching a piece of crap like this is that by the time you get to the end, you are so messed up that the outtakes seem really funny. however, that is just the endorphins talking. you know, like when you are exercising, and then you stop? let me give you an example. say a bear is chasing you. you climb a tree. bear does not care, knocks the tree down. you run some more. hide in a cave. bear does not care, it is his cave and he finds you. so you run some more. bear still does not care, he catches you and starts mauling you. but then he gets bored and wanders away. that feeling you get, right there, where you are no longer being chased or mauled by an angry bear? endorphins.
the dukes of hazzard gets one flying car.
the good part of watching a piece of crap like this is that by the time you get to the end, you are so messed up that the outtakes seem really funny. however, that is just the endorphins talking. you know, like when you are exercising, and then you stop? let me give you an example. say a bear is chasing you. you climb a tree. bear does not care, knocks the tree down. you run some more. hide in a cave. bear does not care, it is his cave and he finds you. so you run some more. bear still does not care, he catches you and starts mauling you. but then he gets bored and wanders away. that feeling you get, right there, where you are no longer being chased or mauled by an angry bear? endorphins.
the dukes of hazzard gets one flying car.
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