whiteout

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365929

yaaaaaaaaaaawn.  were they making the whiteout metaphorical?  not sure.  who cares.

they completely failed to translate the terror of an actual whiteout to the screen, much in the same way that one movie about the unstoppable train also did not translate well.  how can you be afraid of a big, friendly choo-choo train?  having a fight during a whiteout would be petrifying, of course, it just does does not *sound* scary.  i bet you are doubting me right now, but i am going to help you out.

imagine that canadian terrorists said they were going to make you eat seven almond butter sandwiches.  does not sound so bad, right?  is that the worst they can come up with?  ha!  bring it on!

so ok, you wolf down the first sandwich, smirking *just* a little.  you are going to show those canadians a thing or two, eh?  the second sandwich goes down about the same, and your smirk gets a little bigger.

but then, around the third sandwich, things start to get a little thirsty.  can you have a little milk to wash it down?  sorry, no milk, says the terrorist, and you see that now *she* is starting to smirk.  a cold pit forms in your stomach, and you finish number three a little more slowly, in discomfited silence.  sandwich number four stares you in the face now, and even though you are pretty sure what the answer is going to be, you ask for water, ginger ale, and coconut milk, all to no avail.  there will be no washing down of the almond butter sandwiches.  there are only your mandibles and your saliva, and the saliva is pretty well used up, spent too early and unwisely on those first sandwiches.  sandwich number four draws the remaining moisture from your mouth and now even your eyeballs seem to be drying up.

as you take your first bite of number five, a mad, giggly voice in the back of your head whispers to you that you could always drink your own urine, but no...surely you will not become that desperate?  meanwhile, the first four sandwiches have congealed into a cannonball-like lump in your stomach, and it occurs to you for the first time that you are really, really, really in trouble.  sandwich number five fights you the whole way, and by the time it is over, the only moisture left in your body is south of the small intestine.  resigning yourself to the inevitable, you ask the canadian for a cup.

sorry, she says, evil grin splitting her face wide open.  no cup.

like moisture, there is no surprise left in your body.  you bend over and put your desiccated fingers to work on taking a shoe off.  you will have to drink fast to avoid having too much of the...liquid...soak into the shoe.  you do not even bother to ask for a privacy curtain.

later, when it is all over, you reflect back on your life Before and see how much simpler everything was.  almond butter was tasty, canadians were harmless, and bear grylls memes were funny.  and whiteouts?  they were terrifying.

whiteout gets two almond butter sandwiches.