hellboy

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167190/

i just got back from the theatre. i went there to see hellboy. it was lame with a capital f. whatever you do, don't go see it. yea, though ye be hounded on all sides by advocates of hellboy, see it not. here it is as a two act play.

ACT I

[ during WW II ]
soldier: why are we here?
doctor guy: look, bad guys!
bad guys: grah! w3 w1LL 0p3n d00r 2 h3LL!
evil sorceror: grah! 1 0p3n d00r 2 h3LL! h4w!
soldiers: hoo-ray, we win!
doctor guy: look, a little demon boy, i will take him home and raise him as my own.
[ present day ]
fbi guy: hi, i'm new here, whoa, look at all the freaks!
doctor guy: hi, there are a lot of freaks here but they are good freaks and by the way i am going to die, don't tell hellboy
hellboy: grah! i am big and tuff! let's go to the museum and fight tentacle things!
tentacle thing: blub blub
hellboy: h4w! 1 k1LL j00!
tentacle thing: blub blub
hellboy: n0! 1T R355UR3CT! 1 K1LL J00 H4RD3R!
tentacle thing: 0h n0, 1 d13
hellboy: h4w! 1 w1N!
doctor guy: oh no, tentacle thing laid eggs and will resurrect as two of them! also, i magically know that the evil sorceror is behind it!

ACT II
doctor guy: lets go back to the train station to look for eggs
hellboy: oh no, i see someone running off, i go on a wild goose chase while the bad guys kill the agents i'm protecting
tentacle thing 1: blub blub
tentacle thing 2: blub blub
hellboy: h4w! 1 k1LL tentacle thing 1!
tentacle thing 3: blub blub
tentacle thing 4: blub blub
hellboy: oh no the agents are dead!
fbi boss guy: hellboy, you are reckless.
doctor guy: i will now inspect this strange cyborg enemy who mysteriously died
cyborg: grah! 1 4m n0t r34lly d34d! 1 k1LL j00! 4nd 1 l34v3 4 clu3!
hellboy: look, a clue! let's go to russia. don't split up.
fbi guy: oh no! we got split up! let's explore this labyrinth before we get killed.
hellboy: i make friends with fbi boss guy and kill cyborg. grah! now 1 k1LL m0r3 t3nt4cl3 th1ng5! 0h n0! th3r3 4r3 2 m4ny!
pyro chick: h4w! 1 s3t f1r3 2 th3m 4LL! 4nd th31r 3gg5!
bad guys: h4w! w3 g3t j00 4nyw4y!
hellboy: h4w! 1 r3s1st j00 3v3n 1f j00 k1LL pyr0 ch1ck!
evil sorceror: 0h n0, 1 d13! but n0w 1 turn 1nt0 hug3 t3nt4cl3 th1ng!
hellboy: blah blah blah, 1 k1LL j00 4g41n!

THE END