butch cassidy and the sundance kid

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064115/

butch cassidy and the sundance kid is the greatest movie ever made.  sound, lighting, effects, it has all of the components that are required to make a movie.  and the actors!  wow.  just, wow.  the one guy and the other guy, they play off of each other like the peanut butter and the chocolate in a reese's peanut butter cup, and it is pretty good.  and the ending!  quite a scene.

but enough about that, let me tell you about a new service i am offering: paid-for movie reviews!

now, you might be thinking to yourself that surely, schmolli is not blatantly offering to write good reviews for movies that he has not even watched, for money.  however, let me assure that this is exactly what i am doing.  my philosophy is that if you are going to go to the trouble of selling out, you should at least make a lot of money off of it.

anyway, here is how it works:

• write review: $1 per star
• require enough research to make it sound like i watched the movie: $1
• actually watch movie: $5
• product placement: $1-$20 (sliding scale based on product and difficulty of placement.)
• deny that review has been paid for: FREE

that reminds me, all the things i said about BCATSK above were completely true and were based off of my viewing of this film.

BCATSK gets twenty sellouts.

pacific rim

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1663662

i hear that pacific rim was not intended to be a good movie, but rather, something of an homage to the japanese big robot movies.  ok, sure.  i agree with the part about it not being a good movie.

i can only take so much nonsense before i give up on a movie.  pacific rim had multiple violations of the most severe magnitudes on multiple axes. for example, what was that crap about analog meaning they are immune to EMP?  did they mean MECHANICAL?  i sure hope not, because they clearly had GLOWY SCREENS onboard that bad boy.  also, they had it on the same comms network as everything else, so i guess it was digital after all.  oh well.

pacific rim gets one analog rim shot.

lucy

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2872732

lucy is an amateur.  she gets up to 50% and starts dissolving?  whatever, i have been using over 250% of my brain for years.  you might think i am joking, but actually, i am notly.  lucy is like the i cannot believe it is not science of butters, if that makes any sense.  i sure hope it does not because that string of words bears only a passing resemblance to something something.

is your mind blown yet?  keep reading.

i invented the usb stick way back in 1970, but the plans were stolen by *supposed* cheese merchants, who were only able to puzzle them out years later.  my original design was able to fit 500 hojillion gigabytes on it, which is over thirty times as much as the one lucy made.  the cheese merchants only managed a few megabytes.

all of this is real.  none of this is fake.

sudo make me a sandwich.

i sort of want to give a thumbs up to this movie for not objectifying the main character, but i cannot really do it because they just switched to objectifying korean mobsters instead.  plus lucy was paper-thin and operating on the thinnest of motivations, so it is still almost objectification.

lucy gets one thumbs up drive.

riddick

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1411250

riddick is an attempt to go back to the formula that worked for the original riddick movie, pitch black.  the tie-in to the previous movie where he took over the necronomicon kingdom was clumsy at best.  it seemed like they were trying extra hard to bring the expectations down a notch, since he was going from fighting a multi-planet kingdom of hardcore pain fanatics in the last movie to fighting a double handful of mercenaries, many of whom were incompetent, in this one.

i leave you with a single question.  on a world filled with ferocious scorpion-monsters that bury themselves in mud and are capable of surviving long dry spells, what do they eat when they wake up?  shirley, the answer is not "mercenaries and gazelle-dogs."   unless the rain clouds themselves are sentient beings that only release moisture when a sufficient number of mercenaries and gazelle-dogs are present to feed the scorpion-monsters.

riddick gets two necromorphs, but only because of big hearts for vin diesel.

2 guns

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1272878

denzel and mark wahlberg are pretty watchable by themselves, but when you put them together, they are just sort of watchable.  kind of like duct tape.  there is a light side and a dark side and in the middle a bunch of stringy bits arrayed in a grid that give the light side and dark side some structure.

two guns should have been more entertaining than it was.  the twists and betrayals were pretty well telegraphed, and ultimately it was only about 43 million dollars.  what was the big deal?  was it really worth burning all those resources for only 43 million dollars?  well maybe.  43 million is kind of a lot of  money.  between you and me, i would probably not have killed quite so many people for only 43 million, though.

two guns gets two guns.