i paid 23 dollars for two tickets to see jack reacher. this was my first reminder of why i do not go to the movies much anymore. the movie itself served as my second reminder.
jack reacher is, like mission impossible 2, a film which exists entirely to try to make tom cruise look cool. also like mission impossible 2, it ended up being so ridiculously bad that it only succeeded in making tom cruise look like the least incompetent participant in the whole mess.
i usually like to try to point out something positive about a bad movie, if only to provide a contrast for all the bad things i want to say, but i am coming up empty on this one. i cannot even say it was short or that i got to watch it for cheap. the writing was bad, the plot was tired and predictable, the acting was stilted (excepting richard jenkins,) and the scenery, music, and sound were all uninspiring. also, the villain was the absolute worst villain i have ever seen. he was missing eight fingers and an eye, for crying out loud. and he was old. he did not have superpowers of any kind, just a strong will to live. i mean, really, i am not injecting hyperbole of any kind here.
i guess that if i were going to really reach for something positive to say, i could say that the bright spot in this constellation of ookery is that they say some pretty epic things about the titular character. namely, that he 1) is not a hero, 2) only cares about what is right, 3) is a drifter with nothing to lose, and 4) will drink your blood from a boot. if you watched the trailer, i guess you already knew most of that.
speaking of the trailer, the trailer is basically all the best parts of this movie, boiled down and polished up and with all the awkward bits removed. in fact, i would go so far as to say that the trailer constitutes false advertising in that it suggests this is a movie worth watching, while the actual product is a turd sandwich with your least favorite kind of mustard and extra turds on the side. also, the bread is made out of turds. it is a turd wrapped in turds, sitting next to a heaping mound of more turds.
jack reacher gets one turd sandwich. with mustard. your least favorite kind.
