sherlock holmes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/

a cheerleader suggested that i should go see avatar. whatever, i read the screenplay a while back and was not too impressed. the trailers basically gave away the whole movie anyway. so i went to see sherlock holmes instead.

i am not what you would call a purist when it comes to the translation from book to movie, but i do think that you should maintain the core characteristics in such a translation, unless you change the names and all the characters so everybody realizes you have made a significant departure from the prior art. alas, such a departure has occurred in the new sherlock holmes film.

the movie itself is not bad, one of the better films i have seen in the theater lately. however, that is not saying a lot because the competition is chiefly from atrocities like gi joe and disappointments like 9. anyway, it is your basic action-adventure kind of film with good sets and costumes, a reasonable plot, and good chemistry between the characters. think indiana jones.

what this movie is *not* is a sherlock holmes movie. very little of the cool deductive technique that is the sherlock holmes trademark was present here, having been largely replaced with fist-fighting and explosions. i could overlook a triviality like sherlock plucking the violin instead of playing it, but making him and watson into action heros is much more of a significant shift. it actually seemed like the classic sherlock stuff was just a layer of paint over the top of the film proper. removing all that stuff, including the substory about watson and his fiancee, would have made this movie into a length more appropriate to its content.

also, sherlock's fighting style in this film is ridiculous. i daresay that a cheerleader could kick his ass, no contest.

the samurai princess

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1412334/

this is the best movie that has ever existed.

this film is lacking in all of the classic criteria, such as plot (-1), acting (-1), special effects (-1), sound (-1), music (-1), dialogue (-1), character development (-1), and visuals (-1). you might be thinking to yourself that there is no way it could overcome such a deficit and rise above *every single other film* that exists. well, let me tell you how you are wrong.

the samurai princess includes all of the following:
- a scissors leg (+1)
- a chainsaw leg (+1)
- a detachable breast boomerang-like flying weapon thing (+1)
- cannibalism (+1)
- ninja/samurai cyborgs (+1)
- multiple off-camera mass dismemberments and piles of obviously-fake severed limbs (+1)
- a buddhist nun bent on revenge (+1)
- heavy metal and a guitar that can make windstorms (+1)
- a love triangle (+1)
- hot cyborg on cyborg action (+1)
- a chainsaw rocket (+1)
- staple gun first aid (+1)
- old friends turned bitter enemies (+1)
- a love rhombus (+2)
- samurai swords (+1)
- six different kinds of what the ??!? (+6)
- a cyborg penis that bites things off (+1)
- glowing ethereal sword-wielding arms (+1)

so you can see that that is like +24 from awesomeness, compared to the mere -8 from the classic criteria, for a grand total of +16. that is a lot, especially when you figure in that we are working on a five-point scale. it is simple math.

some people might contest the points for the love rhombus because it is arguably unclear whether the two cyborg hunters have any lesbian leanings. i say, whatever. you can find lesbians anywhere if you look hard enough, so just look harder.

some day, when i rule the world, i am going to dedicate entire countries to this movie. france for sure, unless they shape up and ship me another "banlieue 13." if they blow it and make another "cité des enfants perdus," then they are going straight onto the pile of obviously fake severed limbs, no second chances. i have not really decided on other countries yet, so i will probably pick them from a hat.

for those who are wondering, antarctica is safe from the chainsaws. penguin mistreatment is no laughing matter.